Ladies and guidos, break out your pickles and tease up your poofs, because everyone’s favorite Seaside posse are back. Let’s recap tonight’s Season 4 premiere, which brought the fist-pumping friends on their first ever Roman Holiday.
We opened with our beloved Snooki, who had to stand on top of the photographer’s lighting case just to make it into her own Passport photo. The rest of the passport photo shoots reminded us all of what we love (and hate maybe?) about our favorite guidos and guidettes. Pauly pretended to DJ his photo session (what exactly is this “international license” he claimed to have?); Deena once again asked an old man if he “liked the boobs” (PLEASE let this girl discover another catchphrase this season); The Situation exhibited his usual amount of douchery (again, let’s remind ourselves that HE IS 30!); J Woww showed of her new and improved… features?; Ronnie tried to convince everyone (including himself) that Single Ronnie was BACK; and Sammi showed us what a world traveler she is because she is apparently the only one that didn’t need a passport. Oh, and she’s over Ron, too. Duh.
One of the highlights for me was when we met Snooki’s latest juicehead, Jionni, who she has been dating for 6 months now, which let’s face it, is longer than she’s ever held onto anything that wasn’t an STD. However I was shocked to find that Jionni was actually quite attractive and that he and Snooki are being filed in my MISMATCHED celebrity couple database. He is gorgeous and she is a Weeble (who later wobbled AND fell down) who helps her pack up her nasty panties with other dudes names on them (although I did laugh out loud, by myself, when she held up her “I <3 Vinny” drawers to the camera behind Jionni’s back).
In what I am anticipating is the only endearing moment this entire season, the boys and the girls each had sleepovers at each other’s family’s houses on the eve of their Italian pilgrimage. This I found to be utterly adorable, as the boys got dirty language lessons from Vinny’s sketchy uncle and the girls ate dinner with Deena’s parents while encouraging her father to be their male stripper, I thought “awww.” After all the years of fighting, smushing, and partying, it seemed like they did come out like a little family at the end.
After stumbling through their way through the Milan airport and educating us on foreign currency, the boys and the girls separately raced through Italia to be the first to get to the prospective house, because let’s face it- no one wants to be left to room with either Ron or Sam because you know you’re going to end up living with the drunken orange reincarnation of Ike and Tina. Their “castle” ended up having two very long flights of stairs, which I am already dreaming about the night that Snooki has a little too much vino and tumbles off her stripper shoes down the 40 steps. Vinny and Pauly pair up, as do Mike and Ron, which we all know is going to somehow end up with The Situation in a neck brace. Dina bunked with the V and P of MVP, while “Single Sam” stuck with her girls, whom she will likely end up throwing punches with as well. BTW, I’m changing my name to “Married Lindsay.”
Finally, it was their first Italian t-shirt time! But it wasn’t all fun and pre-gaming as Pauly discovered that *gasp* his blowdryer kept shorting out, despite changing the voltage and bringing extra foreign adapters. The fact that someone on this show even knew to do that almost knocked me off my sectional. We learned the seriousness of this issue due to the General Hospital-ish music in the background. Somehow they pulled through, and with much needed voltage advice from Deena, his blowout prevailed.
As the roommates went out for the first time in “the motherland,” they explored a charming square in Florence where it appeared that people on the street were running to get away from them. I mean, did you see the faces of the spectators in the background?! I’ve never seen more people less desperate to be on TV. After discovering that both Deena and Snooki don’t know the difference between a Ferris wheel and a carousel, they headed back to their humble abode for some quality roommate time. Single Ron reminded us why he is single as he continued to get bombed long after his roommates had stopped drinking. If Snooki tells you you’re a “weirdo” for getting drunk by yourself, you may have hit rock bottom.
Finally, Snooki was useful, because she was the only girl who could drive stick. Oh, the irony. But between the foreign GPS and the small streets, they lost the boys and forfeited breakfast and the G of GTL. Rest assured, Snooki has developed a serious workout routine where she essentially looks like she is having sex with herself, as Pauly pointed out.
At last, the crew was finally going “out,” like Karma out, but in Italy, which looked kinda the same as going out on the Shore, except the bar was on fire. Oh and the club going girls weren’t hungry camera whores that were willing to slobber all over Mike to get on camera, so all the guys had to rely on Interpreter Vinny to relay their game to all the bellas. Since none of them seemed to be getting anywhere, The Situation attempted to lay one on Snooki while Deena ordered Pauly to make out with her. Only instead of kissing, it was all lip sucking and tongue humping, piercings and all. And BAM. Episode ends. And then I vomited.
After seeing the scenes for the rest of this upcoming season, I am positively giddy with excitement. Snooki’s car accident, Mike and Ron’s brawl, every one’s butchering of the Italian language.
And now, in honor of this history making television event, I bring you my favorite quotes of the premiere episode:
Deena: In Italy I’m expecting to bring a guy home, but I won’t do sex, you know, maybe just like figure them out? And then do sex later.
Vinny: I don’t know if any of the housemates are going to recognize me with this beard. I’m so much more better looking.
Jenni: Follow my weave!
Snooki: It’s hard for all of us, I mean, we can’t luggage all that sh*t.
Snooki: Is that where I get pesos?
Jenni: I am down a can of bronzer. I only have about 8 cans left, and in my world, that’ll last about 10 days.
Pauly D: The streets are so small and the alleys are so narrow, Ronnie’s not even going to be able to fit through the alleys, he’s gonna have to turn himself sideways.
If I have missed any other memorable quotes, please, enlighten me. I would love to hear everyone’s favorite moments and what you’re looking forward to most this season. Peace out, Gorillas.