Have you recovered yet from the Grammys last night? Between sitting on the edge of my seat during the red carpet anticipating a potential Kanye/T Swift throwdown and the crushing blow of Adele not nailing every single note (but of course, still sounding ten thousand times better than every other artist that performed), combined with lack of sleep (an award show that goes until 11:30 PM on a Monday night? I can’t) and I’m definitely feeling something similar to a hangover today. Not to mention a total snoozefest of ensembles for what should be one of the most entertaining fashion evenings of the year. Everyone always talks about the Grammys as one of the few big award shows where it’s okay to go a little out there. Which somehow still resulted this year in… black. So much black. Seriously, people? That’s the best you can do? Oh, nevermind, there’s a slit up to your pelvic bone. How innovative!

Also, despite the fact that I started watching the preshow the second I got home from work (because again, it was a MONDAY and some of us can’t tune into your pre-pre-preshow at 4 PM, okay E?), when I went searching for arrival photos, I felt like there was a much smaller pool than usual of big-name stars to choose from. There’s also a lot of crazy people that no one has ever heard of but get an immediate bump in their Google searches from showing up in the craziest thing they can try to pass off as clothing (I hate to break it to you, but this is not a dress). When I was putting together my collages I was shocked at how few photos I actually came up with. And let’s be totally upfront: there was no one that I was so enamored by as to declare a “best dressed.” It’s a scary time we’re living in, people. Scary times.

So of everyone that made an appearance last night, this group is probably the ones that could be considered the most wearable (and colorful – praise Beyonce). Selena Gomez looked beautiful, but I couldn’t help but feel that this dress has been done time and time again, mainly by Sofia Vergara and the last ten years of Miss USA contestants. And I know Selena is hocking Pantene nowadays but I thought there was a bit too much hair happening in the back. Ariana Grande took what could have been a really elegant dress (in my favorite shade) and completely cheapened it with faux buttons on the corset (because…why?) and a really poorly-constructed cup situation. And that damn ponytail is back. Just when we thought she was starting to grow up a little… I think I really like Tori Kelly and this is a fantastic color on her, but I have to wonder – her stylist can see her, right? Why would this dress have not been altered? You could have chopped a foot off the bottom easily and it would probably propel her to best dressed, no problem. She’s like 5’4, and this dress is literally enveloping her (I also thought she should have won Best New Artist, but I guess it just wasn’t her night in more ways than one). I know a lot of people are declaring Taylor Swift to be the fiercest of them all, but I’m kind of on the fence about this. Don’t get me wrong, I love the color blocking (this being one of my favorite outfits ever) but I’m not crazy about the execution. It is a very small top relative to the skirt, which I think makes the red-orange color a little too jarring to look like it’s intentional. I think if you’re going to do it, the fabrics need to be identical or similar, and the skirt is so shiny in comparison. And I’m sorry, but I hate the giant granny underwear. I just don’t think the slit needs to be that high. Also I can’t think of anything less rock and roll than that haircut. I miss these days. I don’t really know much about Kacey Musgraves but I get the sense she’s not afraid of trying new looks, which I appreciate. Unfortunately, they’ve looked like this in the past. Which is why this year, I’m giving her the most improved award. She’s got a busy dress on, so keeping the hair simple was a welcome change for her, and I like the pop of color with her lipstick. I would have liked to see just one piece of jewelry. The decolletage area is just screaming for a (little) bling.

This is one group that is just giving me the sads all over. I like all of them, and I want to like their fashion choices… but alas, ’twas not meant to be. Carrie Underwood has done the Grammys so many times, I would have thought she had this one in the bag (remember the cape?!) She looks like the oldest and snootiest lady on the carpet. I just think this is way too formal for an event like this. Between the gown and the jewels and the hair, she looks like an extra in the party scene of The American President. Speaking of classy ladies, Adele phoned it in with a boring black number (with sleeves, ugh) that does nothing for her fantastic figure. Like, where is her waist? I know she has one! I will say, I was thoroughly digging the fresh and choppy ‘do. It was so nice not to see her with a perfectly coiffed bouffant. I don’t know what Anna Kendrick is wearing, but I’m utterly heartbroken about it because she is one of my absolute favorite people in Hollywood. She has such a fun personality – why is she stifling it into this late ’90s prom dress? Girl should just let Kate Spade dress her all the time.

I don’t usually count “white” as a color variety at award shows but given how little actual color there was this evening, I’ll take what I can get! I love what Chrissy Teigen is wearing here (even though it’s a little bit of a Kim Kardashian kopycat), in fact, I think her overall style is way better preggo than not. It doesn’t hurt that she’s just a genetically blessed human being and doesn’t take herself too seriously. This is probably the first time I’ve seen Ellie Goulding and thought that she looked glamorous. She’s kind of working the “this is actually just a really fancy nightgown” look, but then you see the back and there’s like this insane metal accent that brought a little edge to what could have been a very girly look. Plus her hair + makeup? Perfection. I actually don’t hate Kaley Cuoco‘s white jumpsuit, in fact, this is the type of outfit that works at the Grammys (and only at the Grammys). Plus if I had her abs I would work them into every outfit all the time. I think the messy hair is good for this as well. Sometimes she just looks like she hasn’t discovered dry shampoo yet. Florence Welch is basically wearing an adult version of nightgown that any ’90s girl in her Sailor Moon phase would have coveted. I’m not saying I like it, I’m just saying… it’s a break from all of the black, if nothing else.

I mean, I guess you can’t say that these dresses are boring. So if that’s what they’re going for, they’ve succeeded. I know that Bella Hadid is a fashion golden child (I prefer Gigi myself), but I just think she always looks angry/tired/hungry. And in this, she looks cold too. It’s just like an Elvira costume, minus about two yards of fabric. Ciara‘s dress just make me nervous. I have a fear that some prankster is going to reach over and undo that tiny strip of fabric that is holding this whole business together. I sometimes feel like these award shows are providing an acceptable forum for celebs to try and out-slit each other. Forget Angelina’s leg – we’re showing full-fledged pelvic bone up in here. Like where else is there to go? Can we just declare Ciara to be some sort of winner and bring the hemlines back down a smidge (like seriously, it’s just not that interesting anymore). Vanessa Lachey seems to have gone the negative fabric route horizontally instead of vertically, but to me, it really just looks like she accidentally pulled one of her “night out” tops from her closet instead of the dress she intended to reach for. First of all, I cannot believe she is even there. Sure, she is married to a singer, but when was the last time you found yourself hearing a Nick Lachey tune? (If it’s anywhere than on Muzak in a coffee shop somewhere, then I don’t even know you anymore).

Okay, so there’s boring black dresses and then there’s just BAD black dresses. I’m always really sad when newbies come to the Grammys and just bite it before they’ve even had a chance to really try. Elle King, you are one of those people. I just want to say I think she is a cool-ass chick, which is why I’m shocked that she went with this aging lounge singer number. The fringe details are horribly placed, culminating with a hem that is a full foot too long for her petite frame. And I know it’s her first time, but can we get Miss Jay up in here for a five minute posing lesson? I actually felt sorry for Meghan Trainor when she won Best New Artist that night because I could not believe that she looked like a forty-five year old woman the night she won her Grammy. Again, what is with these sassy ladies and their inability to showcase their personalities through their clothing? I liked her better when she had those stupid pieces of tulle tied to her head, at least she looked like she was having a good time. Between the dress and the blah hair color (I appreciate the fresh chop though, because those extensions were looking haggard before this) this is just one big bore with a capital B. Now Janelle Monáe actually does have a personality, unfortunately it is not the bellhop/matador/inmate that she seems to be representing here. I miss the suits! Where’s a good cumberbund when you need it? Finally, Tove Lo‘s dress didn’t surprise me since she pretty much looks like this… always, but it’s the Grammys, and this is underwear. Not even like, sexy underwear, but like under your full length funeral gown granny underwear, with a bad shoe.

Okay, I’m not quite sure what to do with these ladies, but they didn’t fit with any of the others so they go together (like rama lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong). The common denominator? Menswear-inspired suits. I know people LOVE Zendaya as like the poster girl for mixing it up and taking fashion risks, but I actually wish she had pushed the boundaries a little further with this. Sure, she’s rocking a mullet in 2016 (if that doesn’t scream “risk” than I don’t know what does), but she’s also got on a very high cut suit jacket with a button up shirt done practically all the way to her throat. I think she looks rather uncomfortable and restricted, and not particularly rock and/or roll. I like the idea of the suit, but this could have easily been done a little cuter. I don’t even feel like there’s anything to say about Lady Gaga. I mean, we get it. We know what you’re doing. Pod people in space know what you’re doing. I am just surprised that everything was so… literal. From the suit to the hair to the performance, it was just like DO YOU GET IT? I’M DAVID BOWIE!!! She gets a pass on this one, but then we’re going to have to send this one to the Haus of Gaga archives, ‘kay? And last but not least, Demi Lovato. Girl BLEW me away with her performance that night (no matter how dumb I thought a Lionel Richie tribute was… lest we forget, he’s still alive). This outfit is kind of everything Zendaya’s isn’t. It’s sexy and there’s lots of accessories, but I don’t know that I’m sold on it yet. It’s a really mature look for her, I might have almost preferred it to be like shorts or something? I swear I had a less slutty version of that skirt for my high school chorus concerts. When I looked at her, all I could think about was this. I also could have done without the extensions – I think her short choppy ‘do is so much cooler and edgier, which this ensemble could have used.

So what did you think overall? Did it seem like there weren’t that many outfits to critique? (Do you think that means they’re onto us?) Truthfully, I was a bit disappointed, but look on the bright side – this means the Oscars are less than two weeks away. Eeeeeeeeeeeee! That is me squealing, in digital form.

Until then,

~L

 Photos: E Online