Man, I’m getting old. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – these award shows on Sunday nights are killing me. I mean it takes a whole day to recover from just watching the show itself (which is minimum three hours, not including pre-show coverage on E! and of course, the two-hour countdown to the pre-show that I also insist on watching as well), and then days to construct a blog post (well it normally doesn’t take days, but I’ve been super distracted this week). Well despite my sleepiness, I couldn’t leave you guys hanging, so here we are: Lindsay’s Look’s official 2017 Grammy Awards fashion recap!

Let’s get one thing out on the table before we get started – obviously the story of the night that goes way beyond fashion (gasp I never knew it was possible) is the whole Adele vs. Beyonce (which I hate to even say, because I’m pretty convinced it’s not a competition between these two ladies themselves) saga that continues to dominate every website I frequent and even ones that I don’t (thank you for your ground-breaking commentary, Barstool Sports). I have my own feelings about the situation, but ultimately I just want to put it out there that I love both artists equally and having to pick who is more deserving of an award over the other feels like musical Sophie’s Choice. If you want to go more in-depth on the show as a whole, my friend Bowen and I actually did a podcast sharing our thoughts on the entire Grammy Awards telecast, which you can listen to here (or our 2016 year in review here and our Golden Globes recap as well).

I’m choosing to focus on style for this post, as I’ve always done on the blog following an award show. So here we go!

I’m going to start off by saying that I had very few overall “best dressed” picks for the evening. Was anyone else as disappointed as I was with the red carpet looks for this particular show? I know that overall the Grammys are a funkier crowd simply because musicians seem to be a little more out there in terms of fashion than the more “serious” acting crowd.

One of the biggest trends of the evening, which as it turns out were the gowns I like the most, were the ones featuring this “boob window” (which I had to learn that expression from a male friend – some fashionista over here). I always like the balance of exposing some parts while keeping others a bit covered up, and let’s face it – the Grammys aren’t particularly known for their modesty when it comes to red carpet style. I love love LOVED the color and sparkle of Carrie Underwood’s dress, but I wanted to rip those stupid sleeves right off her. I feel like if you’re going to do a statement sleeve (which maybe wasn’t necessary with the glitter and the slit and the exposed sternum), it has to be all or nothing – I would have preferred it to be regular or like, a full on ruffle, flamenco dancer style. The shape of this thing looks like something the angel on top of your Christmas tree should be wearing. When I saw Demi Lovato on the carpet, I honestly had to do a double take – from certain angles she could easily have been mistaken for a Kardashian. I actually really enjoyed her departure from last year’s look, which was quite mature for her and perhaps a bit harsh. Her makeup is gorgeous and the color of that dress looks amazing on her skin tone. The one thing I will say is I think the hair is just a smidge too long. I think a few inches off the bottom would have been a lot fresher and would have shown off her dress a bit more (also, the sparkly jumpsuit during her performance? Ah-mazing). Jennifer Lopez can’t help but put it all out there it seems, and with that body I mean, why the hell not? But is anyone else sick of the Jolie leg pose from her? I’m definitely getting there. Again, just a little more hair than I would like to see, especially when it’s almost conflicting with the giant tulle flower she’s got over her shoulder. I know some people didn’t love this look, but I thought it was sort of amazing. The color is divine on her skin tone and the giant appendage reminds me of a Carrie Bradshaw throwback. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed in a gown. One that I was surprised to see that I enjoyed was Faith Hill, as she’s definitely been towing the line of good taste over the last few years. I have always loved red on the red carpet and the fit is just perfection.

This group is another where I like the looks mostly, but then there’s something that just throws them off for me. I kind of surprised myself by liking Solange‘s number (a metallic version of what my mother would call “inside out caterpillar guts” green) because I think it actually really works for her. There’s approximately twelve people in the world that can pull off that color, and she is one of them. The only thing I’m not totally vibing on is that arm/back ruffle. I just think it’s too much with the color and the pleating. I feel like she is about to be eaten by a giant cupcake wrapper. I think as far as dresses go, Giuliana Rancic looks fine, but girl looks like she’s headed to her springtime bridal shower or something. I’m not saying you can’t rock a short dress at the Grammys, but this white lacy number seems too sweet for what is known as the most outlandish red carpet of the season. The look on Maren Morris’ face says everything I feel about this dress: pretty, but scared. Like be careful if a big gust of wind comes along and blows that crotch panel square up in your face! I mean that is a weird curtain, right? When she walked up on stage to accept her award, she kept picking it up and trying to move it to one side or another, and after realizing she couldn’t, she kind of just held it in front of her. I like the overall concept but I don’t think a real skirt would have hurt anyone here. And finally, Adele. Goddess of the evening, in a color that is apparently now referred to as “Adele green” because it just looks that good on her that none of us are allowed to wear it. Again, not an easy color to wear for most, but it just works for her. And I’m sorry, but has her hair and makeup ever looked better? (The answer is no in case you haven’t figured it out yet.) I’m not going to lie though, I don’t love the criss cross pattern on the bodice. It reminds me of those seatbelt purses that kind of had a moment in what, the early 2000s? I don’t think it’s flattering and like others at the Grammys that evening, it’s unnecessary. There’s like four different materials going on in this thing and all of them are going every which way. My poor eyes don’t know where they’re supposed to look.

It just goes to show you there is no such thing anymore as a little black dress. Chrissy Teigen looked super cool in this kind of gothic gown, although it sort of confuses me as to how she actually got into it. I’m not a super fan of the sort of wet hair style – in fact it actually kind of reminds me of the “before” look in her TRESemmé commercial. Lady Gaga… I mean, what is there to say, really. Would you believe me if I said I didn’t hate this on her? Like only Gaga could make this work. Let us remind ourselves, exactly a week ago she was being lowered in the the Super Bowl stadium wearing nothing but glittery panties and bedazzled football pads. At the Grammys she was performing a Metallica song… with Metallica. When you think about it that way, this outfit actually makes perfect sense. I have a soft spot for a girl that commits to a theme. On the opposite end we have Kristin Cavallari, who was on-hand to host the pre-pre show which basically consisted of the easiest celebrity parlor games I have ever seen (and trust me, I watched all two hours in its entirety), in what is possibly the most boring gown I have ever seen, in spite of the fact that it’s basically cut down to her navel. I was actually a little concerned seeing her. Maybe it’s just been a while, but I thought she looked very gaunt on television (so I can only imagine how she looks in real life). She’s also a victim of what I think is recent epidemic: over-contouring (which could also explain why her facial structure looks so different). There is a LOT of bronzer happening here. I’m going to call this the Kardashian effect and suggest that we start to tone it down a bit, ladies. To me, she’s looks like she’s in need of both sides of a Ponds wife and a Clarisonic Mia stat. The always lovely Laverne Cox was kind of feeling the rocker vibe too, and while I think she’s gorgeous and can wear everything, I’m partial to her glowing goddess look versus hardcore liner and a tight pony. But again, definitely on theme with the evening (and she got to meet Beyonce so she’s probably going to be wearing this outfit every day for the rest of her life).

I’m just not sure about this group. I don’t immediately hate everything that everyone is wearing, but there’s just something about all of these looks that just isn’t quite right. Katharine McPhee looks like she’s going to a company party or something. Like that is seriously one of the most boring Grammys outfits I have ever seen. I was pleasantly surprised to see Charlie XCX class it up a little bit – as much as I love her kind of crazy style, I was also shocked at how beautiful she is when she’s not wearing like, lingerie as clothing. I just wish the fabric of this dress didn’t so closely resemble a tablecloth (although this color does look gorg on her) and the draping in the front gives me the sads. With Paris Jackson I don’t quite know where to look. First of all, how odd that her dress and the top half of Katharine McPhee’s are so similar?! Secondly, these criss-cross rainbow panels hanging every which way make me worried about a potential wardrobe malfunction. I do LOVE that little geometric clutch though. And Lea Michele… I swear she showed up on the Grammy red carpet still wearing Hester’s back brace from season one of Scream Queens. I think the dress itself is very pretty, but between the crop top and the very thick collar (can you have both a halter and a turtleneck at the same time?), there is just something about this that is not working. Also she made that Wednesday Addams face the entire time on the red carpet. I can’t look at this picture for too long without having nightmares. And she’s another one I want to add to my too much bronzer/contouring club. I thought her cheeks looked like they were stained with actual dirt. Less is more, girl!

Sigh. Ladies, what do we have here? A hot mess (minus the hot), that’s what. I was shocked to see Elle King show up in something so overly girly, with a hideous matching flower crown and all. I mean, she’s normally so bad-ass. And this isn’t even like, a good girly dress, like Gwyneth’s Oscar gown of 1999, this is like a convenience store brand princess Halloween costume. Given that she was high for the entirety of the Grammy red carpet this kind of makes sense – at least there’s a reason for that dopey look on her face. Maybe that explains the dress choice too. I am actually kind of offended by Taraji P. Henson because usually she is so on point with her style, I just cannot believe she showed up at the Grammy Awards in this Bat Mitzvah dress. Seriously – this dress is made for a wealthy teenager that just got back from space camp. It is too short, too tight, and has more flair then a denim jacket on a member of the Brat Pack. Tori Kelly is literally drowning in what I can only imagine is twenty-five pounds of jungle green jersey knit ruffles. She’s gotta be, what – 5’2? She should only be wearing this dress barefoot on vacation in Cancun, not on the Grammy red carpet. And of course, Heidi Klum showed up wearing basically a shirt, which is sort of fine because her legs are so damn amazing, but then it’s also like hey girl – where are your pants?! Seriously, I’m bored with this sort of thing from her. It is the GRAMMY Awards! Nothing is shocking anymore! At this point wearing something that short just seems like she is trying really, really hard. And she doesn’t have to, she’s a GD Angel (both literally and figuratively).

And this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The worst of the worst of the 2017 Grammy Awards red carpet. It had to be someone… I just was really hoping it wasn’t Katy Perry. We’ve been waiting for so long for her to come back on the scene with some new music, and then the first time we see her she’s gunning for a role as the feather duster in the new Beauty and the Beast. Actually, you know what? I’m not hating on the feathers. I don’t mind a fun twist on an award show outfit. I do mind however, when it’s the same shade as a paper bag. Seriously, this is one of the worst colors to put on a human being. Everything about this dress fits incorrectly and it’s doing not one favor for Ms. Perry’s rockin’ bod. And I’m sorry, I know she’s a hair color chameleon but I hate the blonde hair on her. It’s just not how I see my Katy Kat. Celine Dion is a treasure of the world, but here she looks more like a present. A really hideous, cheesy Christmas present. C’mon, the only time a dress like this is acceptable is on the annual holiday Barbie. Plus Celine is all about the hair! I miss that big, voluminous mane of hers. I know Halsey is not like your everyday pop princess, so she’s not going to show up in anything expected or girly. However I do wish that she had just worn actual clothes. Wasn’t the pajama thing like coming and going three years ago? And hello, if you are going to wear a silk pj set on the Grammy Awards red carpet, do us all a favor and give them a quick steam first? And capping it off in what I can only describe as an audition to be the fourth Sanderson sister in a Hocus Pocus remake… Rihanna. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember her red Alaia number a few years ago? Gone. Gone are those days of glamour, replaced by an orange chest plate and a poofy ruffled skirt that even Scarlett O’Hara wouldn’t be caught dead in. This ensemble would drive me to drink too.

Another one down, and you know what that means… in just ONE WEEK the mother of all red carpets – the Oscars!

And remember, if waiting  week for a blog post is too long for you, make sure to follow along in real time on the night of over on my Facebook page, Twitter, and depending on how much I decide to annoy my husband, Snapchat.

Until then,

~L

All photos via E! Online.