Tag Archives: MimboloveGolden Globes
Let me start off this post by saying that if you came here for one of my usual Golden Globes fashion recaps, you’re probably going to be disappointed. Here’s the thing: I love talking about what everyone wore the day after a big event like this. I have a tendency to have… let’s say, strong reactions to celebrity ensembles pretty immediately, which means that awards season has always brought me a great deal of joy. For me, it’s never been about making fun of people (I honestly don’t ever try to intentionally be mean, although you may disagree if you follow me on Twitter), it’s more about the conversation that it invokes and the little girl in me that just really still wants to dress up.
But this year is obviously different, and therefore, this post is different. It didn’t feel right to sit here after witnessing such a powerful display of support at the Golden Globes from so many different women (and a few men, although not as many as I would have hoped) on Sunday night and then mock someone for choosing what I believe the wrong shoe. And I will say it again: I love fashion, and I love talking about fashion and why someone chose to wear what they did, and how they wear them, things like that. I also don’t believe that you have to choose to either enjoy talking about clothes or what’s inside a woman’s brain – it is possible to appreciate both.
That’s why one of my favorite blogs is Go Fug Yourself, written by two women that I find to be so smart and witty, and who are able to comment on what celebrities are wearing without being vicious. This interview with them prior to the Golden Globes I think really captures my feelings much more eloquently than I can.
“The idea that being interested in clothing is somehow anti-woman is absurd to me. Men are allowed to be interested in all kinds of things which are patently unserious without it becoming a debate on whether or not their hobby is letting down their gender; fashion is an art form, and the red carpet is often where it gets the greatest amount of exposure to the masses.”
– Jessica Morgan, Go Fug Yourself
So as much as I want to sit back and talk about why Dakota Johnson looks like she doesn’t wash her hair or how Reese always kills it (except for that teal number last year at the Emmys, I literally could not), I also believe that this year, it’s time to do things a bit differently. It’s time to look, but then actually listen to the stories that people are telling and understand where they’re coming from.
So for my 2018 Golden Globes fashion recap, I have chosen to highlight some of the ensembles that I particularly enjoyed, which as you may know was a real stretch for me because of my aversion to wearing all black (my friend Molly literally texted me before the red carpet asking me how angry I was about it). Yes, I may be scarred from working in retail and being forbidden to ever come within ten feet of a pattern, but I’ll let it slide this year for the cause.
I actually think the color restriction made for kind of an interesting red carpet, because as we all know, and LBD is the most versatile thing a woman can wear. It’s one of the few looks that works for everyone but you can also truly make it your own. Also the jewelry designers and makeup artists came to play for this evening, given that these were some of the extra elements you could add to stand out a bit in a sea of black. Check out my own personal squad of women that I thought brought it, while also being totally respectful of the movement:
So thank you ladies, for being so inspiring and thoughtful and well spoken and powerful and just all around amazing, even with a wardrobe constraint. I’m not saying I would mind if we chose maybe another color for the next one (I haven’t heard any definitive plans on if this was for the entire season or just this particular event), but regardless, I will rally behind you with bells and whistles on.
Oh, and also, Time’s Up.
Peace, love, & fashion,
And we’re back! I know that these recaps can be a lot to handle, so it seemed best to take a little breather in between (you can catch up on Part 1 here). But now I’m ready to dive in full force and recap the heck out of the rest of the 2016 Golden Globes, so here we go!
I’m always down for a little sparkle at these events, but just because you’re shining bright like a diamond doesn’t mean you necessarily have earned a spot in the GG hall of fame. I liked the texture of Brie Larson‘s dress, but the fit was so far off it looked like she was the hanger and the dress was wearing her. It like almost crossed the line of pageantry, but at least a Miss USA contestant would have better posture. When I first saw Regina King‘s dress on television, I thought it was kind of fabulous. Then I saw it in photos. Holy King Triton’s half-mermaid wife. Also she took the whole “capes are in” thing way too literally and actually sported a superhero-style accessory that was just flapping around in the back. Anything that requires ridiculous posing on the red carpet is too much for me. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is pretty much a living and breathing statuette anyways, and in this bronze number she basically upstaged Miss Golden Globe (also the award itself). I just wish the bodice was fitted, or at least fitted enough not to leave that extra flap above the waistband. Not like she really needs help looking any more flawless.
I know it technically never goes out of style, but I am never excited about all black or mostly black ensembles on the red carpet. I just think there’s so many times in your life where it is more appropriate to dress like this, so why not have a little more fun, especially at such a boozy and relaxed event like the Globes (I mean, in comparison with the Oscars and stuff)? If you told me that Julie Louis-Dreyfus pulls this exact same dress out of her closet once a year for this event I wouldn’t fight you on it. It’s like oh my god, black lace – how revolutionary. I am unsure if that’s actually a navy sash (which still doesn’t really make it any more exciting) because the clutch seems to have that tone as well. If it is, I don’t really understand why, and if it’s not… well then it’s just off I guess? I can’t believe I even cared that much to question it. Lady Gaga has really been working the (ugh I cringe even saying this) “old Hollywood glamour” thing and frankly I’m surprised she did so wearing another black dress. I’m glad it at least has an interesting element to it with the extra shape at the hips (also way to make your waist look teeny-tiny). I will say I don’t think it’s the best her face has ever looked, there was something about her makeup that just kind of bugged me. I think she could have looked a little softer to compliment the Marilyn hair and the velvety dress. Amy Schumer gets my “slightly” improved award after showing up at the Emmys last year with unbrushed hair and spilling out of a gown with an ill-fitting top. I just never understand why people with so much personality dress like this. Like she is so fun and interesting, and yet she somehow thought it was a good idea to nab this clearance Jessica McClintock prom dress circa 2002. At least it had pockets, I will give her that. I honestly forgot Sophia Bush was a person until I saw her, which is fine, because this ensemble was completely un-rememberable. That dress looked like it could have been made out of jersey or something – I thought it was a maxi dress that she tried to pass off as formal wear by throwing on a necklace that’s worth more than my college education. The most frustrating part had to be her stubby baby ponytail in the back. I’m not knocking the short hair – in fact my ponytail looks very similar right now – but it is not formal event hair. You can throw on as many diamond chokers as you want, it still looks like you’re going to the gym.
If blue was the big color of the night, emerald was like its “should you not be able to fulfill your duties” first runner up. There were only a few gowns, but with such a bold shade, even just two celebs wearing the same hue looks like a trend (not to mention, all of the jade-colored jewelry). Jada Pinkett-Smith looked nice in this flowing green number – I liked that it was a little out of character for her and not so structured. However I don’t think those extra shoulder flaps were at all necessary (it borders on costume-y) and matching shoes are like the the least fashion-forward thing that has ever happened. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were Dyeables (shudder). Heidi Klum has been showing up on red carpets looking all kinds of crazy lately (remember the Big Bird/ice capade number from the Emmys?), but I actually thought this fun fringe wasn’t all that bad on her. It definitely added a little extra weight kind of all over and the band placement was possibly a little off, but I don’t hate it. Now her hair, on the other hand… I sort of didn’t know who Jaimie Alexander was (definitely thought she was the woman from Outlander at first) until I realized she’s the girl in the bag with the tattoos (if you watched NBC from July to October for even five minutes, you know what I’m talking about). She definitely made an impression in this very dramatic gown, but the damsel-in-distress pose that is meant to strategically show off her billion dollar ring was just too damn much. You are not going to get a nomination for best dramatic entrance on the red carpet, so just cool your jets, okay? I personally found the pattern a little distracting, but she has a small enough chest that she could get away with that plunging V and the color overall worked with her pale skin and jet black hair.
I know that Bryce Dallas Howard is now supposed to be regarded as a champion of women everywhere for speaking out agains the unfair standards of the fashion industry when it comes to their itsy bitsy sample sizing, but I’m sorry – this dress itself was nothing to write home about. I thought the shiny texture was interesting but the lace coverup took it straight past her age bracket and right into Mirren territory (who is fabulous, but also, seventy). Also lest we remind ourselves that girlfriend still walked into Neiman’s and dropped $4800 on a dress, so it’s not like she exactly a spokesperson for the everywoman. I always want so much more for Melissa McCarthy, but this ensemble was so shiny and trash-bag like (and with such bad sleeves! ugggghhh), it’s like, what hope can we have for her?! Counterpoint: her hair and makeup were flawless. I dare say I don’t think her hair has ever looked better. So there, I said something nice. Kate Winslet looked pretty, but let’s be real – she has worn this at least six other times already, amirite? If you saw her face when she won the award, you could tell that she did not see this one coming. I think she was trying to fly under the radar this year because she can’t step within a twenty-mile radius of Leonardo DiCaprio without people losing their minds, and she thought “I’ll just wear this safe, simple navy number and crouch behind Harvey Weinstein, nbd.” Sorry, sister. You won, and then we all had to suffer through your weird side bun thing together (which I will refer to moving forward as a “hair tumor”). Julianne Moore is another one that I felt like people were sucking up to last year because she was so clearly going to win that everyone had to pretend that everything she wore was the word and those who dare to argue against it were cast into an eternal hell of polyster and fluorescent lighting (no? Just me?). Well I thought her style was just so-so last year and I stand by it in 2016. She looked like one of those Avatar cat people out for a night on the town. And I’m sorry, but she and Kate Hudson can take those choker things and give them the heave ho back to 1992 where they belong.
Ugh more black. At least they tried, what with all the cleavage and sparkles and stuff. I was totally sad about Uzo Aduba‘s sparkly yet drab frock (who even knew that was possible?). It actually reminded me of the number that Whoopi wears in Sister Act when she returns to the stage as a jazzy nun. The sleeves were nothing short of awful and I actually missed the days when she wore a million tiny buns on her head and you could see her face. You’re better than this, Crazy Eyes! As for Rachel McAdams, all I’m saying is if I knew my super-hot ex who now has a baby with another woman was going to be seated so close to me in the same room, I would have made more of an effort to rub in how hot I obviously still was as well. Giant old lady flowers doesn’t really do the trick (but then again, he did love her even when she wore pink streaks in her hair and and a mini dress on the red carpet). My point is she is young and gorgeous and this is just way to old for her. Kirsten Dunst and her… globes were totally out to play on Sunday night, and I’m still not sure how I feel about this one. She was definitely channeling her Interview with a Vampire days with the super-pale skin and black velvet, but also reminded us that she is way grown up and also, would you like to see her breasts? I know that there were a lot of plunging necklines that evening, but they were all on super flat-chested women which I think is what keeps it from almost looking…dare I say, vulgar? Also those little strappies were certainly not pulling their weight, pretending like they were being all supportive. I’m on to you. When I woke up yesterday morning and was compiling my event photos, I actually thought to myself that there was no trace of Taylor Schilling. Well the joke was on me, because she was there and she looked a mess. I am all for menswear on women, but it’s such a tricky thing that the tailoring has to be impeccable. The pant length was wrong, the jacket looked like she borrowed it from her dad (if her dad was Liberace), and her hair looked dirty and not in a cool, edgy way.
I don’t know if white is considered a “trend” or if it’s just a color that goes with everything so every year, without fail, it shows up in droves on the red carpet. All day, all anyone talked about was the new “it” girl Alicia Vikander and how she’s probably going to win the Oscar (depending on what category she’s nominated in) and how she’s having such a moment right now and that everyone wants to dress her. Well I don’t know who came up with this white pinafore-looking thing, but I know that Samantha Parkington’s birthday dress is incomplete without it. You can’t tell in this photo, but she was straddling the line of appropriate side boob coverage all night. This dress is meant for a super formal (and super boring) garden party, not your first major red carpet event. Eva Longoria is working every angle she can right now promoting her new NBC sitcom, and I think that hustling continued right into her Globes gown. Unfortunately for her, like a telenovela, there was a lot going on and it was all distracting. Like why does there need to be two bows? And what woman (no matter how tiny) wants all that attention on the hip area? (Bonus points for the best damn smoky eyes I’ve ever seen.) Taraji P. Henson went the total opposite route with something simple I was actually worried that the spirit of Cookie had left her body… that is, until I saw her posing. I think even Tyra would agree that there is almost too much smizing happening here. Like she is bringing it so hard and trying to be so fierce that she almost looks kind of crazy, no? Her choppy bob is giving me life, tho. Saoirse Ronan is another young ingenue who did the red carpet thing already at the same time as navigating puberty, so by age twenty-one she’s already the epitome of class and grace at an event like this. I don’t think there was technically anything awe-inspiring about it, but you know she’s not going to end up on any worst-dressed lists. Another one who might need a Miss Jay lesson in posing is Lily James. It almost looked as if the gathered sheer panels were pulling her shoulders in awkward directions. Theoretically, she looks good, although I think she was actually wearing too much makeup when the rest of her look was so soft (and what are we calling that hair color, I mean, really?).
Another mini-trending color of the evening was merlot, which sometimes I think can be a nice alternative to a vibrant red (but can also tend to skew a little old). That’s the main issue I had with Zendaya. I think the dress was architecturally stunning but way too mature for her (and also, ill-fitting – I kept hoping a tailor would pop out of the shadows to nip in her entire right side immediately). I could see this on a Diane Kreuger or someone equally fashion-minded. Amber Heard sported a more subdued shade but looked no less serious about… well everything, like a doll that will be trapped in that pose for all eternity. That dress looked like it used to be white and then she fell in the grape stomping bin in an I Love Lucy episode. At least it fanned out nicely. Finally, Olivia Wilde had the whole “right color, wrong execution” thing going on in this slinky number. I don’t know what it is about this dress, I just cannot put my finger on it. It’s a little Vegas lounge singer-esque, and I thought the choker was absolutely terrible and completely wrong with the neckline of the dress. Plus her boyfriend was wearing sneakers so I immediately deducted points from her for her support of that decision.
So who were your favorites? Sound off in the comments, and please: don’t hold back. You know I never do.
All photos courtesy of PopSugar.
Welcome back, party people! Anyone else feel like the Golden Globes were perfectly-timed this year? It took me pretty much all of last week to get back on track after being away for the holidays, and having an award show to look forward to on Sunday night kept me on target for unpacking, getting organized, and coming back to the blog just in time for award season to pick up. It was my first-time ever hosting a small gathering at my place to watch the festivities, which many of you know is not normally how I spend my award show evenings.
I was a little stressed about trying to get our apartment ready for human occupancy (we moved in finally in November but have been taking our sweet time putting everything together), keeping up with my live Facebook and Twitter updates, and of course, enjoying the actual show itself. Thankfully, I had my number one live-in personal chef to help me, and in just one day we organized our lives (i.e. strategically hid all of our crap) and put together a party platter that rivals whatever Wolfgang Puck prepared for the drunkards at the Globes.
Award show essentials: Laptop, festive cocktail napkins, paper straws, and of course, mini bubbles.
Steve offered to put together a charcuterie platter for our friends, which despite all of his actual cooking abilities, is one of my favorite “meals” that he does.
I mean, c’mon.
But enough about that, let’s get to the really good stuff! (And I’m not just talking about cheese.) Fashion!
As usual, we start with the best.
Anyone else see midnight blue coming? Cause I sure didn’t. This shade just screams evening glamour, and these ladies did it right. Viola Davis looked like a starry, starry night in this gorgeous and age appropriate (she rocked some sleeves but a little cleavage kept the top from looking dowdy). I loved how the jewels faded from the bodice down the length of the dress. Gina Rodriguez was the first celeb I saw hit the carpet, and it was obvious that as last year’s surprise winner she now has her pick of the litter when it comes to stylists, gowns, hair and makeup teams, the works. This is a gown that you could look at in twenty years and it will still stand the test of time. As half of the world’s hottest celebrity couple, Jenna Dewan Tatum absolutely shined (especially next to Channing’s hair, oof). It’s kind of like the younger version of Viola’s gown. I wonder if these two ever ran into each other last night and stared stealthily across the room muttering “bitch stole my look” under their breath. Both of them seem pretty classy, so I’m guessing no, but hey, a girl can dream.
Amy Adams looked so relaxed last night, probably because she didn’t have the worry of being nominated and not winning again (seriously, she is the female Leonardo DiCaprio). She defies the ridiculous stereotype that redheads can’t wear red, in fact I think this is one of the best auburn shades she’s sported in quite some time. Who ever knew that the color of rust could be so flattering? I’m not sure why Kate Bosworth was there but I’m so glad she came to win in the glittery pink number, looking ten times better than most of the people who actually had a purpose for being at the event. I just wish her hair weren’t so severe all the time. She’s so tiny, and she suffers from a self-inflicting bobblehead syndrome constantly with her tightly wound ‘dos. I know that red on the red carpet could be considered overdone at this point, but come on – Emmy Rossum looked flawless. Like so elegant and poised, well beyond her years. And that necklace. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. There was quite a bit of extra fabric there at the bottom, but I’m giving her a complete pass because, hot damn.
I don’t mind repeat outfits if someone knows what works really well for them and sticks with it (with the exception of J.Lo, because by now she has to have cornered the market on nearly naked sparkly illusion dresses). I think Laverne Cox knows she looks bangin’ in white, so she keeps wearing white, and I’m okay with it. Her green accessories were super on-trend as we saw throughout the evening, but if I had to say anything about this look (and you know I have to) then I’m going to ask for a slightly less goth lip. She looked so ethereal and goddess-like and the deep crimson kind of broke it up for me. Malin Ackerman completely surprised me because I saw her on the red carpet for all of four seconds and then I don’t remember ever seeing her again the rest of the evening. This icy pale blue gown made her look like Elsa’s much more sophisticated older sister and I can’t let it go. I would however like to hack off about two feet of fabric from the bottom of that dress that is literally folded in half above her feet. I do not ever understand while celebrities that have money and teams at their fingertips don’t just get their dresses tailored. It’s literally mind-blowing. Speaking of seeing stars, my fashion prayers have finally been answered and in a miraculous feat performed by God himself Jennifer Lopez opted to coverup both her butt and her boobs at the same time. Don’t get me rock, girl is gorgeous and we should carve her some sort of monument so we can celebrate her body every damn day, but frankly, I was beginning to think she was looking a little bit desperate from being so revealing all the time. I think that’s all well and good for performing and things like that, but this look from last night is exactly what I’ve been wanting to see from her. She looked classy, but with a slight edge. That hair was so fresh and the jewels are absolutely on point, full J.Lo glamour-style. The Angelina leg was a little intense and I’m kind of worried about her ankles, but you know that she probably had slit cut even higher because for all we know, she suffers from a yet-unknown condition where as much of her body has to be exposed as possible, or she suffocates and dies. And finally, the Queen (as in Latifah) discovered what is truly the best color she has ever worn. I think she should throw out her entire wardrobe and buy all new clothes only in this color (including pajamas, underwear, sneakers, you name it). I don’t think she’s ever looked better. I have literally nothing else to say because that is just like, it. Done, mic drop, we can all go home now.
Just kidding. There’s more fun to be had here!
I love when people just go for it as far as color is concerned on the red carpet. Life is short! You can wear black dresses for the rest of eternity. If anyone is up for a good time, it’s obviously Jennifer Lawrence. Hollywood’s BFF has to eat, sleep, breathe and crap Dior for the foreseeable future, so we’re only going to see so much variety for her in the next few years. I was glad to see her in something more structured than that bed sheet she rolled around in last year. She was channeling Charlize Theron in a way I think (also a Dior muse, what a coincidence). Everything is very structured and angular, it sort of makes me think this is what people in the 1960s thought humans would be wearing in 2016. I think I liked this outfit overall (the necklace gets all the points) but it’s a tad severe and I would really love to see some schematics of what is going on underneath that flap to keep everything in place, cause Lord knows, she’s a tripper. I don’t know if Jennifer Lopez is pissed that America Ferrera is in almost the same shade of mustard that she is (because what are the odds that like all two of the three Latina actresses at this thing would show up in the same color?) but I hate to say… I think J.Lo wins this one. America looked pretty and all, but her top was lacking in structure and her hair was real boring. Another dullish hairdo belonged to Joanne Froggatt, but her muted lavender gown may have made up for it by being the only shade of it’s kind on the carpet that evening. I’m not crazy about those “we’re not even pretending to hide this” illusion panels, but in general she looked pretty and floaty and British so we’ll call this one a win.
I know that “rose quartz” is one of the Pantone colors of the year for 2016, but just because a color is in, doesn’t mean that everyone deserves to wear it. It’s a tough shade, and I don’t think these particular hues did these ladies any favors last night. Leslie Mann was killing me from head-to-toe in the worst way. If it wasn’t the too-big top, then it was the seaweed-looking doodads traveling south of her waist. Let’s not forget another hideous choker (seriously… why so many that evening?). I have gotten into actual arguments with people in the past about Cate Blanchett, because I think I may be the only person in the world that just does not care about her. I get that she’s never going to show up looking like Beyonce or something, and that she’s all about wearable art or whatever, but c’mon: this was a dress made out of pink hair, am I right? Like I thought it was fringe but the more I saw it move on television, I’m thinking that there is a bald unicorn running around somewhere. Katy Perry surprised me in more ways than one. Not only does she literally have no reason to be there, but she was seated at the front table last night. We’re talking miles beyond Leo and J.Law and actual actors from television and movies. I heard she got a new stylist for this event and was all excited about trying something new. I hate to say it, but I miss the days when she wore beach ball bikini tops and her date was Left Shark. She looked like a cross between a Fem-bot from Austin Powers and Elvira of Halloween beer commercial fame. And don’t get me started on the Bump-It. I think the “least improved” award had to go to Kate Hudson. She has looked flawless at the last few Golden Globes ceremonies (her white cage dress last year was basically a feat of architectural genius), so for her to show up in this was beyond a disappointment. Actually, I was kind of outraged. Like, how could you do this to us? How could you wear a sequined peach racer-back dress complete with a choker, crop top and skirt that are secretly connected? Don’t you love us, Kate? Do you want us to be happy?!
I think the entire fashion industry and every Pinterest user let out a collective gasp when they saw this hideous art project that Olivia Palermo showed up in. Fashionistas everywhere were personally offended that their icon had fallen so far from grace. For starters, she looks as wide as a house, which is the complete opposite of everything about her body in real life. Also this has to be one of the worst color combinations that has ever existed. Throw in a bad choker and you have one steaming pile of ick. Jane Fonda reminded me of one of those scary porcelain clowns that you get as a gift from your great aunt and even though it terrified you, your mom made you keep it on a shelf in your bedroom until you were sixteen years old. If I have to say something nice… well whatever was underneath the four layers of toilet paper fit very well. Also her earrings were bomb. Natalie Dormer thoroughly disappointed me because I think of her as being kind of cool and edgy and this dress was neither of those things. The dress was actually kind of marmy on it’s own (I could see a much older woman wearing it) but then they added this weird bracket and it looked like she was wearing an old-school bedazzled back brace. Does anyone else think that Rooney Mara and Debbie Downer are long lost siblings? I just imagine being at a party and everyone is having a good time and then Rooney walks in and it goes silent, like the fun has just been sucked out of the room. This is literally a shredded nude bodystocking. It’s a more formal version of Kanye’s garbage Adidas “line” that was comprised solely of undergarments. You can’t see it in this photo, but the live footage of her getting out of the limo with a giant mohawk braid on the back of her head just about killed me.
This may be all of the excitement I can handle for tonight. Tune in tomorrow when we continue with the fashion f yeahs and the faux pas of the 2016 Golden Globes! Until then,
All photos courtesy of PopSugar.
Ah, the Golden Globes. One of the highlights of award season, because well, there’s booze there. And it shows.
All kidding aside, what makes the Globes so great is the atmosphere. It’s like there’s TV people, movie people, all forced to mingle in the same room (in the case this year, a very sweaty room). It’s a semi-serious award, so even the big-named stars still feel compelled to show up, not to mention, there’s twice as many categories (so if you were nominated in the musical/comedy category, your chances are usually much higher for taking home a statue than at those stuff Oscars).
Of course, the thing we all care about is the fashion. And this year was a doozy, mainly because the stifling humidity was so obvious on all of the A-lister’s hair and faces (stars! They really are just like us). But even a little frizz wasn’t enough to rain on many of these celebs parades. So once again, it’s time for my annual review of the good, the bad, and the ugly.
First up, the Girls (I’m sorry, it’s just so easy to put them all together). Usually, Allison Williams is one of the best dressed at these sort of things, but I sort of thought she just looked like a very pretty Christmas ornament. Fortunately, that’s light years ahead of her costar Jemima Kirke, who looks like an extra from Star Wars and/or the leader of one of those weird cults where you shouldn’t drink from the communal punch bowl. And poor Lena Dunham. That girl just can’t quite get it right, can she? Every year there is just something questionable about her look. This year I’m going to have to say it’s the business lunch shoe and the totally weird seams on the front of her dress. What’s with that line at the top – does Lululemon now sell evening wear? (Props to whoever chose this color – it’s magnificent on her.) Zosia Mamet… I mean, I really don’t have words. Between Gwyneth Palthrow’s ’99 Oscar dress on the bottom and that fetching shade of paper bag on the top (otherwise known as faccata), there’s just really no hope for this unfortunate ensemble.
Now this is how you do it, ladies. It may be obvious by now that I have a thing for sparkles at award shows (and yes, I realize they’re all blonde – in the wise words of Elle Woods, we have to stick together as a hair color minority). Sometimes I look at Diane Kreuger, and I suddenly believe in reincarnation, because there’s no way that girl wasn’t Grace Kelly in her past life (although I couldn’t name one movie she’s been in for probably the last three years). And Reese Witherspoon. MY GOD. I know I’m totally biased because she’s my all-time favorite actress, but seriously, this is the best she has ever looked, ever. She should probably divorce Jim Toth and marry Calvin Klein so they can continue to make beautiful music together for the rest of their lives. Finally, I put Anna Faris in there because this is the first time I thought she really brought it to the red carpet, and I thought this dress was perfect for her. It’s like a little boho-esque, which isn’t my favorite style, but I think it works for her and she somehow looks both glamorous and comfortable.
Ugh, ladies. What is happening here? You’re all beautiful women! You have money, stylists, mirrors (I assume). How could this happen? First and foremost, Claire Danes, to quote Regina George, “that is the ugliest effing dress I have ever seen.” I hate everything about this. It’s the most old ladiest gown there ever was. Melissa McCarthy has really been off the mark the past few years, which is surprising, since her background is in fashion. I heard her saying that she took apart two different outfits and put them together with her stylist to make this. So if this is an improvement, I can only imagine what each of these looked like before. Keira Knightley is my nightmare right now, it’s like she got pregnant and now she has to dress like a marm. This looks like an undergarment to and American Girl dress, and don’t even get me started on the fishing lures or whatever that print is. Also, Mariah would like her oversized butterfly accessory back, thanks. As for Kerry Washington, is there any way to explain this? She looks like a piece that came out of Barbie’s motherboard. That shoe makes no sense, and then only reasoning I can come up with is that her severe cleavage is cutting off the oxygen supply to her brain and she just threw on whatever heels she could find so she could get out the door. Kristen Wiig is another repeat offender in my book. It’s like she always either has something totally boring on, unwashed hair, or just the most oddball dress that she pulled out of someone’s attic. In this case, the Charlie’s Angels reject collection circa 1976.
Red is my favorite color, and one of the best shades you can wear on the carpet (hello, coordination). But there’s good way and very bad ways to do it, and these ladies get my thumbs down in the red category (which happened to be the most popular color of the evening). One way not to wear crimson? In the form of a tea-length dress made from a tablecloth. I’m talking to you, Julianna Margulies. I am so over that brocade fabric that seems to stand up on its own. As for Kate Mara, there’s almost nothing wrong with dress (although I am surprised by the placement of those two vertical ruffles), but she definitely needed to abide by the “take one thing off before you leave the house” rule. A wide peach satin belt? Over a red dress. If you could see my face right now, it looks a little something like this. Neither Viola Davis not Catherine Zeta-Jones have done anything particularly offensive, but I feel like they’re both waiting for their dates for the junior prom. I swear, my sister and I each wore those dresses to formal dances in high school.
Alright, we’re getting warmer. Or should I say, redder. Even more red? Whatever it is, we’re there. I do think Allison Janney looks lovely, however, I feel like this high-neck bow dress just needs to be off-limits forever, because no matter how many years have gone by or how many other people have worn it (cough, cough – Emma Stone), it will never not remind me of Nicole Kidman’s 2007 Academy Awards gown. In fact, this is like a summer cover up version of that. Is it made of jersey? I don’t hate Heidi Klum‘s sexy scarlet number, despite the empathy I feel for her right breast as it’s clearly trying to escape the clutches of that bodice. It’s a great color on her, it’s this much pageant, but it’s leaps and bounds ahead of some of the crap she’s been sporting lately. Christine Baranski shied away from the super vibrant shade, but looks crazy awesome in this Merlot number. It’s appropriate for her age, but somehow still looks better than a lot of the girls that are half of that. Speaking of women of a certain age, I’m pretty confident that Helen Mirren makes my best dressed list every year. I mean, was she born into an evening gown? It’s like everything she puts on is a second skin, fitted perfectly to her form.
Every year, there’s a handful of women that just look… okay. Kind of playing it safe, not thinking too much outside of the box. Which really bothers me, because I don’t have too much to say one way or another, and we know that’s a foreign concept for someone like myself. I loved that Gina Rodriguez won (she’s Jane the Virgin, if you don’t know, now you know! I love that show) but I wish she had slightly more pizzazz in her dress. One of the best things about her is she seems like she has a fun, fresh personality, and this dress shows nothing of that. Props for the hair and earrings, though. Perfection. I kind of thought Katherine Heigl had gotten the memo that nobody wants her to come to things, but I guess the rules change when you’re on the network that happens to be hosting the show that year, so yes, all NBCers get a free pass I suppose. Again, this dress is fine, but what are we calling the extra fabric in the front? Is that like a reverse mermaid skirt or something. Whatever, I don’t care enough to figure it out. Maggie Gyllenhaal must have contacted that company that makes those dyeable bridesmaid shoes and begged them to do a dress in their loveliest shade of rust, because that’s all I think when I look at this. And Katie Holmes – who let her out of the house? Oh wait, she’s divorced and is now allowed to roam freely (depending on Suri’s mood that day, of course). There’s nothing so wrong with this dress, but I’m totally distracted by the ponytail. I’m convinced it came from an actual horse given the sheer length of it. Finally, Patricia Arquette. She won big that night (and it only took twelve years of acting!), but looks like she’d rather be anywhere else other than on a red carpet. You’d think she’d be used to it by now? I’m convinced her clothes are just wearing her by now, not the other way around.
I’m very excited to announce that this is the first award show where I have actually seen Orange is the New Black (thank you to my sister for graciously sharing her Netflix password after I dropped hints seventeen times). Is there anything more satisfying at an award show than seeing someone who wears baggy khaki prison uniforms everyday all dolled up on the red carpet? It’s like when I was in high school and I used to wear sweatpants for the two weeks leading up until the prom. You’d think some of these girls would pull it together a bit more, given this opportunity to show off their banging bods. Laura Prepon went for straight up Elvira, while Natasha Lyonne really turned it out in cobalt (but I’m sorry, the smirk has got to go). Uzo Aduba is everything in this dark sparkly number, like I’m seriously obsessed with how amazing she looks (she definitely gets the #1 transformation award). Taylor Schilling is in the color of the night, but I’m really uncomfortable with her super prominent concave chest thing she has going on. I know the food in prison is bad, but yikes. I just want her and Giuliana to grab a burger (or five) together. Finally, Taryn Manning. That girl just will always look like a mess. Do you thinks she’s dying to do a job where she’s not a crackhead? This looks like the super glamorous trash bag that she crawled out of.
Like clockwork, there’s always a few that just baffle me. Like I spend a lot of time thinking about what I might wear should I ever have the opportunity to go to something like this. Some of these women, I have to wonder if they look at these dresses and a bulb goes off somewhere that they think it’s like, a great idea. Unfortunately, this year that meant our beloved host Tina Fey, who graced us with her presence, but unfortunately, it was in a penguin suit. Like does this shape even have a name? What is the purpose a skirt that could take flight? Thankfully, she spent little time in this due to her hosting duties. Unfortunately, Lana del Ray spent the whole damn evening in this cheap-looking seafoam green disaster. We get it, you think you’re Priscilla Presley. However, you are not, and it’s also 2015. Also, did she pick this dress up at Deb in the mall? One person who will never visit a mall probably ever again is Amal Alamuddin. I feel like because she’s not a Hollywood person, she watched like Breakfast at Tiffany’s or something and thought “this is how celebrities dress!” Which is cray, because she has the most amazing style on her own. I’m sorry, I really felt she could have done without the scrunchy opera gloves. I know she’s Mrs. Clooney and therefore untouchable by association, but to me, she looked like she was wearing a costume (and trying to figure out if it really was the butler who did it in the parlor with a candlestick). And finally, without fail, there is one dress every year that the public collectively loves and I’m the only weirdo that is like, wtf. So this year, that goes to Sienna Miller. This dress is just too much of everything, and nothing at the same time. However, that hair? It’s kind of perfect.
The second most popular color of the evening had to be white, which can really go either way. Emily Blunt was kind of meh in this cut out Grecian frock (with one of my least favorite trends of all time, those damn milkmaid braids), but I love when people choose to accent white with green or turquoise jewelry. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is also nothing to write home about, other than the fact that her body looks banging in this straight one-shouldered whatever (ugh, and are middle parts happening?). Salma Hayek must have gone shopping with Julianna Margulies, as she is also sporting the tablecloth stand up dress that seems to plague at least one person on the red carpet every year (or in this case, two). And Rosamund Pike. In the words of The Continental, wow wow wee wow. I’m so conflicted about this dress – from some angles it’s so angelic and flowy, and others I’m like shocked at how risqué it is. I mean, the side boob risk would be a known and constant concern for me, and she’s the one who had a baby five weeks ago!
It’s always kind of weird to see such springy dresses at these award shows given that it’s January, but then I remember that it’s LA and the fashion world is always like a season and a half ahead of us losers. I don’t love this half and half thing that Camila Alves has going on (I just don’t understand why anyone would intentionally make their body that shape), but that color is divine on her. I want to give Quvenzhané Wallis a standing ovation for dressing so cute and appropriate for her age, but mainly because she finally gave up on the puppy purses. I don’t know what it is about beautiful women like Chrissy Teigen, but I feel like they think that because they’re so gorgeous, they can just walk onto a red carpet with a messy pony and everything is fine. Okay, she does look amazing, but I’m not convinced about the seams on that dress. The wavy lines in her crotch area remind me of the wing of an overnight maxi pad or something. And Lupita Nyong’o… oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember last year, when she was the constant belle of the ball? Now here she is, looking like a walking 1950s bathing cap. And I’m sorry, but I really don’t like her new hair. She just looked so striking last year, and now, there’s just a lot happening and none of it is great.
And on the third day, God invented glitter. Well, at least in my version he did. I feel I should have put money on Jennifer Lopez showing up in a Zuhair Murad number, but alas, award show gambling really hasn’t taken off yet. Obviously, she looks amazing, but there is just so much skin showing, I think it almost distracts from how beautiful she is. Between the plunging neckline and dangerously high slit, there’s literally about six inches of gauze and beading holding this thing together (and that’s definitely her nipple showing, right?). Julianne Moore seams to have gone the opposite route, with what I think is the most conservative, full coverage, bedazzled gown since Whoopi in Sister Act. I’m not a big fan of the ombre sequins, and ombre sequins + ostrich feathers makes me think that she got this dress in one of the gift shops at Caesar’s Palace. As for Emma Stone, she’s probably one of the only people at this show that is actually cool enough to pull off a pair of formal high-waisted trousers. And I love the idea of a bedazzled top and tuxedo pants, but I don’t like the execution in this particular case. Also, the point of wearing pants is that they’re not a dress, and therefore, IT SHOULDN’T HAVE A TRAIN. It’s just silly. I like the idea of a newcomer like Dakota Johnson being clothed head-to-toe in sparkles, I’m just not sure that I wanted it to be from two different dresses. And last but not least, Kate Beckinsale. I feel like I say this every year, but how does she keep getting invited to these things? Like, when was the last time she worked? I mean she always looks amazing so I guess it doesn’t really matter, but it’s almost like they keep inviting her to these award shows to keep everyone on their toes in the wardrobe department.
What can I say, these women are all beauties. And some definitely scored more than others in the wardrobe category, but ultimately, they’re all winners (well actually, only Amy Adams is a winner, but you get the idea). First, Naomi Watts. She looks.. fine, but there’s three things that are bothering me. 1) The criss-cross draping on the top half. 2) The rhinestone doodad on the belt. 3) The diamond cobra wrapped around her neck, which I’m sure a month from now will be in every fashion magazine, because this probably means that snakes are in. Amy Adams does look pretty amazing with her retro hair and periwinkle gown… like a really beautiful Smurf or something. Felicity Jones is a newcomer to all this red carpet business, and she’s very pretty, but that top is so weirdly shaped that is sort of makes her look like an upside-down triangle. Or as Steve would say, she looks like the President of the Celibacy Club (i.e., what he says to me every time I wear a button down under a crew neck sweater). And my girl, Anna Kendrick. I think she looks really cute, but I’m not going to go easy on her just because she’s so dam adorable. I think the hair is a little severe for her and the color of her dress is too close to her skin tone and makes her look washed out. I almost wish it was a brighter nude, or even a pale pink. Jenna Dewan-Tatum seems to be very ready for Easter in this buttercup yellow gown that is accented by some sort of origami folds. She does look beautiful but I’m not dying over this look or anything.
And then, things got dark. First up, Jennifer Aniston seems to be reliving her late 90s days of glory in this black halter dress. Didn’t we learn anything from Anne Hathaway at the Oscars? Stop trying to make halter tops happen. They’re not going to happen (on a positive note, thank you for finally responding to my years of begging for you to do something different with your hair). Jessica Rabbit also made an appearance… I mean, Jessica Chastain. Can you say va va voom? Who knew such a vixen was hiding underneath that baby blue sack she wore in 2013? The only thing I’m not sure about is those boobs. Maybe it’s necessary for such a dress, but they’re so high and squished together, I’m not even sure how she’s still smiling. And last but certainly not least, our little Lorde. It was predicted that she was going to wear some sort of pant, but no one said anything about gauzy palazzos that weren’t even hemmed (and let’s be real, if they’re too long for Lorde than what freak of nature could these possibly have been meant for?). No wonder she looks so glum.
Well Globetrotters, that’s it for my first award show wrap up on the new and improved Lindsay’s Look! Stop by again soon for more fashion recaps, after all – tis the season.