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City of Os-cars, Are You Dressing Just for Me?

Written by Lindsay Scouras

Well people, here we are – the end of award show season. AKA, when I sink fully into my seasonal depression (I’m kidding… sort of). Award shows are pretty much the only good thing about the winter in these parts, and now it’s over 😭 What will I do with all my free time?!

This one was tough for me because more than ever, I really have hardly seen any of the movies. As I’ve mentioned, life on an island is tricky for many reasons, and for a pop culture addict like myself, it’s hard to take in all of the year’s cinematic masterpieces when you have two theaters with one screen each, and film like Moonlight plays exactly TWO times, one of those being at 4 P.M. on a Thursday.

So as usual, I was relying on the fashions to get me through. And unfortunately, I was a little disappointed with last night’s turnout. A lot of safe looks, neutral colors, and… velvet? (My fifth-grade self is overjoyed at this turn of events.)

Someone else who is feeling a little down today? I’m guessing the entire cast of La La Land (one of the films I was actually able to see!). And also Moonlight, for missing out on their moment a bit. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, well, I’m kind of not sure how you got to the blog, but welcome! And if you do know what I’m talking about and want to hear more, you can listen to the podcast that Bowen and I recorded this morning breaking down all the events of last night’s telecast. But ’round these parts we focus on fashion, so here we go!

Like I said, I was a little bummed out by the lack of risks/innovation/color last night, but these ladies stood out as my best of the best. You might not know who Auli’i Cravalho is yet (I certainly didn’t when she arrived on the red carpet early in the evening) but you probably know her voice from Moana. And of of last night, you know her as the sixteen year-old performer who got hit in the face with a flag during her performance in front of like a billion people and totally kept her cool. I will now know her as the girl that could save Hollywood. I mean she is talented and gorgeous and full of class. Help us, Auli’i, you’re our only hope (until Bey and Amal’s twins grow up, of course). I think she looks so beautiful in this white gown. The metallic accents and uneven layers keep it from going “bridal” and girl already has a killer posing arm going on. Live long and prosper. A big winner of the night (finally!) was Viola Davis, who was the only person to sport a color that I really loved. Seriously, I have never see anyone who can dress like a primary crayon and look so damn good. It’s a classic shape, but the halter and sleeves keep it a fresh and different. The Queen of the red carpet for me was most definitely Taraji P. Henson. Cookie slayed from the second she left the limo – between the hair, the slit, the cleavage – and everything just worked for her. Taraji knows exactly how to walk that fine line of sexy vs. skanky, and I was so happy to see that she left her juvenile Grammy look behind for Hollywood’s biggest night. Finally, one of the big winners of the evening was Emma Stone, in more ways than one. If you ask me, she either knew she was going to win or believes in fashion osmosis, and that by dressing the part of a lady Oscar statue, she in turn took home the gold. Just one of my many conspiracy theories for the evening, but you can’t deny that girl looks good. If I had to change one thing (and it’s just a very small one thing), I would say that I wish this gown was a slightly different tone, because I think this color is a little too close to her skin and washes her out a bit. Maybe a more yellow-y gold (I mean, she wore head-to-toe chartreuse last year) or if this had been done in like, a pewter color – that would have been amazing. But her hair and makeup has never looked better.

These ladies are my second in line for being the belles of the ball. I don’t know why Karlie Kloss is there (requisite millennial to show how young/hip the Academy thinks they are?) but she is essentially the only person that can get away with this style of dress. You have to have like one percent body fat and no boobs to even look at this on the hanger. I would like to give her the award for best use of an ACLU ribbon – the blue really pops against the white, as does having it displayed on her protruding hipbone. Ava Duvernay should get some sort of award for looking this amazing less than 48 hours after returning from New Zealand (where my girl Reese was as well). This dress is not only beautifully-crafted, but was created by a Muslim designer in Lebanon. Activism looks darn good on her. I can’t believe that on Saturday I was watching a tween Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit on AMC and on Sunday I was literally bowing down in front of my television for her. This dress is just perfect for her – it’s age appropriate without being immature, and the oh-so dramatic makeup and hair keeps it from going too foo-foo. And Octavia Spencer… I feel like you kind of have to dress like a queen with the name Octavia. I don’t know what to call this color, but it’s just the right shade that keeps it from resembling dirty bath water. Feathers were forecasted to be a big trend for the evening, and Octavia delivered with this fluttery number. I’m not the biggest fan of the top, it’s a little mother-of-the-bride for me, but I think it balanced out the skirt just fine.

Overall, I like the ensembles in the category but… well, let’s start with Teresa Palmer. First of all, who is she and why did someone let her ruin a perfectly good metallic dress with an ugly belt? (Apparently, belts are in too, FYI.) And I don’t know exactly what it is, but I don’t think there is a good boob situation going on here. Like I think the top of this dress is ill-designed (despite the fact that it’s Prada). I did look her up on Instagram and she had a baby like ten weeks ago so you can’t really fault her for anything, can you? Another hot mom in the mix is the always beautiful Halle Berry, who broke records winning her own Oscar in 2002 so you know that she just didn’t give an EFF and will show up however she damn well pleases. I am all for big hair, but this is like, really big. Like Sideshow Bob big. It’s totally distracting and frankly hides a lot of her beautiful face/skin/eternal youth. I like this gown, sorta. I think it’s very flattering, and I wish that I could have seen this top and this bottom as their own dresses because these two were not made for each other. And the bottom part of the black tulle that just is left there, limp and lifeless… no. Just no. Olivia Culpo was one of the quasi-celebrities that E! managed to convince to appear on one of their many several hours of pre-show programming, and they went into this whole story with a video montage of how this dress was made and even though it’s Marchesa it’s somehow also made by Stella Artois, and I don’t know how but they give people clean drinking water when they make beer, so props. I think this dress is gorgeous; it is an engineering masterpiece. So why, WHY would you ruin it with those slicked-to-your-forehead side bangs?! During the pre-show I swear there was one baby bang that was trying to jump ship to the side it rightfully belonged to. It was so distracting, I kept smudging my screen as if I could push it out of the way myself. BTW, the black ribbon was an add-on, and I’m not sure if it’s a necessary one at that. In a world full of beige (I’m coming for you, Kidman), I love that we have a Janelle Monae. She is so kooky and weird but gorgeous and I kind of love her (but could not tell you one song she sings). Yes, this look is crazy, and no, I would never wear it. It’s got everything – a belt, tulle side panels, a Grecian-style headband, strategically-placed appliques. Girl just kept piling it on. But seriously, I found the majority of the red carpet to be so boring, this was almost like a breath of fresh air, and I don’t think anyone else there could wear anything like this other than her.

Okay, here’s where we make a pit-stop in Dulls-ville. I’m not complaining, everyone looks pretty but… there’s just something missing with all of these. When I saw Felicity Jones take to the carpet, I could only see her head, which I swear was just floating around as if detached from her body. Turns out it was just another flesh-toned dress, yawn. I also felt that this was very ill-fitting. Felicity is a tiny British nymph, and something about the cut of this dress made her look much wider than she actually is. Isabelle Huppert looked beautiful (and also mad, but also French), but I felt like she thought all of this was beneath her the whole night. I never saw her smile once… granted, she didn’t win, but still. I don’t mind this dress, and I think it looks great on her… but man, these hanging belts are really killing me. Nicole Kidman has made vast improvements from her other appearances on the red carpet this year (like hey what’s up hello) so I guess it’s okay that this one is kind of boring. But like, could this have been any other color than Nicole Kidman-pinky beige? Also those circular designs are a little hypnotize-y. Whatever, it’s fine, I’ll take it. I am pretty bummed about this Chrissy Teigen look. I kind of don’t get it. The top part was almost like a different color square panel in the middle with tiny bedazzled fireworks on it. There was a cape, there was a front arm sash (just one though), there was (shocker!) a belt, a very high slit, more firework jewels… and the most boring hair to boot. It just wasn’t one of my favorites on her.

I mean, if you wear an all-black dress on the red carpet are you even really trying? Kate McKinnon seems to be suffering from what I call Kristen Wiig Syndrome – a really fun person who wears really boring gowns at award shows. Do you think it’s because so much of their personalities are brought out by wigs and prosthetic noses? Like this is fine, but nothing to write home about. I know that Michelle Williams is a Louis V darling, but I find her to be very hit-or-miss with fashion (she’s a pretty reliable one good year, one bad year type of gal). This dress is literally nothing special – I repeat, nothing. In fact, Emma Roberts showed up in virtually the same thing but didn’t look like a grandmother. And I really miss Michelle’s longer pixie. Again, the hair, the skin, the skirt – everything is the same color and all of it is blah. Salma Hayek is another one I just don’t understand. Did you know that her husband is the CEO of a company that owns Alexander McQueen, Balenciaga, Gucci, and Saint Laurent Paris? So why on earth doesn’t she dress better? This is literally a really long negligee over the highest of high-waisted briefs. And the jeweled headbands – I can’t. As discussed, Emma Roberts was basically twinning it with Michelle Williams (hopefully unintentionally, but hey, one never knows). I think I like this version better because it’s not so old looking, despite being vintage. The boob area is very small so I was a little nervous about that, but overall I think this is a much better-executed look than the previous. But the Jessica Rabbit hair? Eesh. If we could just go back to this, that would be great. Finally, Alicia Vikander, who is one of those award show darlings that I just do not understand. She has the body of a Chinese gymnast, and yet she always somehow ends up in very heavy looks that totally overwhelm her small frame (I will never forget that freakin’ daffodil bubble hem from last year). She looks like a really boring version of the flamenco dancer Emoji with hair that she just like, what – tied up after leaving the gym? But don’t worry guys, she managed to throw on probably a million dollars worth of diamonds to really tie the whole look together.

When weird dresses attack! Seriously, I don’t know what to say here. Again, prefacing this with the fact that all these women are gorgeous and sometimes there is a just something that doesn’t work. But you can see the vision and get that it was going somewhere, and then you just feel bad that the people that tell them how good they look are being paid handsomely to do so. Leslie Mann could not be missed in this highlighter yellow number, complete with bunches and ties and well… that’s pretty much it. But it’s a lot. It kinda reminds me of a homemade costume for a community theater production of Beauty and the Beast. If she’s gunning for a role in the remake, someone may want to let her know that ship has sailed. It’s strange though – there’s something about this that I actually like and I want it to succeed. I want this dress to be one of those Project Runway challenges where they have to make a bad dress into a good one. Also it’s a bit much for presenter, no? Jessica Biel has never been at the top of any of my lists (yes I know it’s not ethical but I just can’t explain why I don’t like her and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). Gold sequins and red carpets go together like Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling… so why doesn’t this work? Well, let’s start with the fact that she looks like she came straight from a drag production of The Lion King, where she may have been actually mauled by someone named Tigress. If you take off the necklace and leave the sequins in tact, this has some semblance of a beautiful dress. Unfortunately, it’s been destroyed. I want to like Kirsten Dunst’s look, after all, she’s kind of been out of the spotlight for a while. This dress is fine (albeit kind of boring and old for her) and the choker is to die for, but the hair is so messy and disheveled, it totally throws off the kind of old-Hollywood class that I assume she was going for (I mean, she is wearing a close-toed shoe). The proportions are very odd here, with the waist so small and all the extra fabric at the skirt… and are we done with this high-low hem thing yet? Speaking of high-low – how is one supposed to understand their feelings about Naomi Harris’ look? So beautiful from the top up, the dress fits like a dream, it has just enough trendy items (a cape! underboob cutout!), and then… a pencil skirt? Like, what am I looking at here? And I’m sorry, I know it’s intentional but the mismatched jewels on the shoes are really throwing me for a loop (but I appreciate the pop of color). STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS, NAOMI. Don’t we get enough of that with Moonlight?!

I’m running out of steam to describe how celebrities almost nail it and then something goes wrong. Charlize Theron has always been a picture of cool style, and this dress could be great, but I wish the metallic skewed more gold instead of green. Also, you can’t tell in this photo, but her hair is very well-styled in the front and then it’s a ponytail in the back. They didn’t even wrap the hair tie! AAAARRGGGH. It’s literally infuriating. Also hi, sorry – the top on this doesn’t fit. Ginnifer Go0dwin was having a tough time with the very recent passing of her Big Love co-star Bill Paxton… so I think I’m going to leave this one alone for now. It’s a great color. That is all. Brie Larson really confused me here. She was so bright and vibrant and fresh last year, and now she’s like, a blondie zombie version of Angelina Jolie. This dress is nice (I think?) but it’s very dark (black velvet will do that to ya) and quite Elvira-esque. The blank stare doesn’t help. And Giuliana Rancic… there’s a lot of folds here, huh? (That’s literally all I have.) Also I hate dresses that need choreography in order to show how they’re “supposed” to look on the red carpet. If you can’t sit, stand, walk up the stairs, walk down a carpet, or dine at In N Out Burger with it… pick something else.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for – the worst dressed of the evening (yes, we’re horrible people – please stay as long as you like, you are among friends). Ruth Negga was the first person I saw on the red carpet and I was afraid that the whole evening was shot. She is so beautiful, why, oh why, did she choose to dress like a harlequin from a Civil War movie? I know I said I love red at award shows… well maybe i should have been more specific. She literally looks like she’s on fire, and not in a good way. And I hate that her earrings, headband (again, ick), and lipstick are all in competing shades of crimson. Nothing goes and I’m dying. There goes Priyanka Chopra again, showing up at things. Bowen and I have this theory that she should only do hair commercials, as we feel her acting is subpar and I don’t know a single person that watches Quantico (but who knows, maybe our minds and hearts will be swayed by her upcoming role in… the Baywatch reboot?). Again, a beautiful girl who didn’t do herself any favors by wearing what is basically the underside of your Nana’s quilt to the Oscars. This pattern hurts me in more ways than one. Another pattern-offender is Scarlett Johansson. I don’t even know how to describe what is happening on this dress, I just know all of it’s bad and a studded biker belt doesn’t help. And like Charlize’s dress, the top does not fit. Is there like, some kind of tailoring shortage in Hollywood right now?! Finally, my worst of the worst, so bad your grandma doesn’t even want it: Dakota Johnson. The sheen of this hurts my eyes, and the crotch bow is abhorrently dreadful. I feel like I have to use words like that because I believe she stole this straight from Maggie Smith’s bedroom in Downtown Abbey. In what stratosphere is this a good color on anyone? Don’t worry guys – she accessorized with a big fat chintzy necklace over the neck ruffle. Now it’s all okay. EXCEPT NONE OF THIS WAS EVER OKAY. I can’t.

And there you have it! Thank you so much to everyone who followed along with me this award show season. I know there’s a lot happening out there right now, and in no way am I saying that any of this is more important than what’s going on in our country and the fight that is being fought every single day. But if I can provide even a little bit of a temporary distraction from all the crazy, well then… that’s what it’s all for. And also because I like it and it’s fun and if I hold the snark in I may just poison myself from the inside, ‘kay?

Until next time,

L

Better Call Grammy with the Good Hair

Written by Lindsay Scouras

Man, I’m getting old. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – these award shows on Sunday nights are killing me. I mean it takes a whole day to recover from just watching the show itself (which is minimum three hours, not including pre-show coverage on E! and of course, the two-hour countdown to the pre-show that I also insist on watching as well), and then days to construct a blog post (well it normally doesn’t take days, but I’ve been super distracted this week). Well despite my sleepiness, I couldn’t leave you guys hanging, so here we are: Lindsay’s Look’s official 2017 Grammy Awards fashion recap!

Let’s get one thing out on the table before we get started – obviously the story of the night that goes way beyond fashion (gasp I never knew it was possible) is the whole Adele vs. Beyonce (which I hate to even say, because I’m pretty convinced it’s not a competition between these two ladies themselves) saga that continues to dominate every website I frequent and even ones that I don’t (thank you for your ground-breaking commentary, Barstool Sports). I have my own feelings about the situation, but ultimately I just want to put it out there that I love both artists equally and having to pick who is more deserving of an award over the other feels like musical Sophie’s Choice. If you want to go more in-depth on the show as a whole, my friend Bowen and I actually did a podcast sharing our thoughts on the entire Grammy Awards telecast, which you can listen to here (or our 2016 year in review here and our Golden Globes recap as well).

I’m choosing to focus on style for this post, as I’ve always done on the blog following an award show. So here we go!

I’m going to start off by saying that I had very few overall “best dressed” picks for the evening. Was anyone else as disappointed as I was with the red carpet looks for this particular show? I know that overall the Grammys are a funkier crowd simply because musicians seem to be a little more out there in terms of fashion than the more “serious” acting crowd.

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One of the biggest trends of the evening, which as it turns out were the gowns I like the most, were the ones featuring this “boob window” (which I had to learn that expression from a male friend – some fashionista over here). I always like the balance of exposing some parts while keeping others a bit covered up, and let’s face it – the Grammys aren’t particularly known for their modesty when it comes to red carpet style. I love love LOVED the color and sparkle of Carrie Underwood’s dress, but I wanted to rip those stupid sleeves right off her. I feel like if you’re going to do a statement sleeve (which maybe wasn’t necessary with the glitter and the slit and the exposed sternum), it has to be all or nothing – I would have preferred it to be regular or like, a full on ruffle, flamenco dancer style. The shape of this thing looks like something the angel on top of your Christmas tree should be wearing. When I saw Demi Lovato on the carpet, I honestly had to do a double take – from certain angles she could easily have been mistaken for a Kardashian. I actually really enjoyed her departure from last year’s look, which was quite mature for her and perhaps a bit harsh. Her makeup is gorgeous and the color of that dress looks amazing on her skin tone. The one thing I will say is I think the hair is just a smidge too long. I think a few inches off the bottom would have been a lot fresher and would have shown off her dress a bit more (also, the sparkly jumpsuit during her performance? Ah-mazing). Jennifer Lopez can’t help but put it all out there it seems, and with that body I mean, why the hell not? But is anyone else sick of the Jolie leg pose from her? I’m definitely getting there. Again, just a little more hair than I would like to see, especially when it’s almost conflicting with the giant tulle flower she’s got over her shoulder. I know some people didn’t love this look, but I thought it was sort of amazing. The color is divine on her skin tone and the giant appendage reminds me of a Carrie Bradshaw throwback. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed in a gown. One that I was surprised to see that I enjoyed was Faith Hill, as she’s definitely been towing the line of good taste over the last few years. I have always loved red on the red carpet and the fit is just perfection.

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This group is another where I like the looks mostly, but then there’s something that just throws them off for me. I kind of surprised myself by liking Solange‘s number (a metallic version of what my mother would call “inside out caterpillar guts” green) because I think it actually really works for her. There’s approximately twelve people in the world that can pull off that color, and she is one of them. The only thing I’m not totally vibing on is that arm/back ruffle. I just think it’s too much with the color and the pleating. I feel like she is about to be eaten by a giant cupcake wrapper. I think as far as dresses go, Giuliana Rancic looks fine, but girl looks like she’s headed to her springtime bridal shower or something. I’m not saying you can’t rock a short dress at the Grammys, but this white lacy number seems too sweet for what is known as the most outlandish red carpet of the season. The look on Maren Morris’ face says everything I feel about this dress: pretty, but scared. Like be careful if a big gust of wind comes along and blows that crotch panel square up in your face! I mean that is a weird curtain, right? When she walked up on stage to accept her award, she kept picking it up and trying to move it to one side or another, and after realizing she couldn’t, she kind of just held it in front of her. I like the overall concept but I don’t think a real skirt would have hurt anyone here. And finally, Adele. Goddess of the evening, in a color that is apparently now referred to as “Adele green” because it just looks that good on her that none of us are allowed to wear it. Again, not an easy color to wear for most, but it just works for her. And I’m sorry, but has her hair and makeup ever looked better? (The answer is no in case you haven’t figured it out yet.) I’m not going to lie though, I don’t love the criss cross pattern on the bodice. It reminds me of those seatbelt purses that kind of had a moment in what, the early 2000s? I don’t think it’s flattering and like others at the Grammys that evening, it’s unnecessary. There’s like four different materials going on in this thing and all of them are going every which way. My poor eyes don’t know where they’re supposed to look.

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It just goes to show you there is no such thing anymore as a little black dress. Chrissy Teigen looked super cool in this kind of gothic gown, although it sort of confuses me as to how she actually got into it. I’m not a super fan of the sort of wet hair style – in fact it actually kind of reminds me of the “before” look in her TRESemmé commercial. Lady Gaga… I mean, what is there to say, really. Would you believe me if I said I didn’t hate this on her? Like only Gaga could make this work. Let us remind ourselves, exactly a week ago she was being lowered in the the Super Bowl stadium wearing nothing but glittery panties and bedazzled football pads. At the Grammys she was performing a Metallica song… with Metallica. When you think about it that way, this outfit actually makes perfect sense. I have a soft spot for a girl that commits to a theme. On the opposite end we have Kristin Cavallari, who was on-hand to host the pre-pre show which basically consisted of the easiest celebrity parlor games I have ever seen (and trust me, I watched all two hours in its entirety), in what is possibly the most boring gown I have ever seen, in spite of the fact that it’s basically cut down to her navel. I was actually a little concerned seeing her. Maybe it’s just been a while, but I thought she looked very gaunt on television (so I can only imagine how she looks in real life). She’s also a victim of what I think is recent epidemic: over-contouring (which could also explain why her facial structure looks so different). There is a LOT of bronzer happening here. I’m going to call this the Kardashian effect and suggest that we start to tone it down a bit, ladies. To me, she’s looks like she’s in need of both sides of a Ponds wife and a Clarisonic Mia stat. The always lovely Laverne Cox was kind of feeling the rocker vibe too, and while I think she’s gorgeous and can wear everything, I’m partial to her glowing goddess look versus hardcore liner and a tight pony. But again, definitely on theme with the evening (and she got to meet Beyonce so she’s probably going to be wearing this outfit every day for the rest of her life).

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I’m just not sure about this group. I don’t immediately hate everything that everyone is wearing, but there’s just something about all of these looks that just isn’t quite right. Katharine McPhee looks like she’s going to a company party or something. Like that is seriously one of the most boring Grammys outfits I have ever seen. I was pleasantly surprised to see Charlie XCX class it up a little bit – as much as I love her kind of crazy style, I was also shocked at how beautiful she is when she’s not wearing like, lingerie as clothing. I just wish the fabric of this dress didn’t so closely resemble a tablecloth (although this color does look gorg on her) and the draping in the front gives me the sads. With Paris Jackson I don’t quite know where to look. First of all, how odd that her dress and the top half of Katharine McPhee’s are so similar?! Secondly, these criss-cross rainbow panels hanging every which way make me worried about a potential wardrobe malfunction. I do LOVE that little geometric clutch though. And Lea Michele… I swear she showed up on the Grammy red carpet still wearing Hester’s back brace from season one of Scream Queens. I think the dress itself is very pretty, but between the crop top and the very thick collar (can you have both a halter and a turtleneck at the same time?), there is just something about this that is not working. Also she made that Wednesday Addams face the entire time on the red carpet. I can’t look at this picture for too long without having nightmares. And she’s another one I want to add to my too much bronzer/contouring club. I thought her cheeks looked like they were stained with actual dirt. Less is more, girl!

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Sigh. Ladies, what do we have here? A hot mess (minus the hot), that’s what. I was shocked to see Elle King show up in something so overly girly, with a hideous matching flower crown and all. I mean, she’s normally so bad-ass. And this isn’t even like, a good girly dress, like Gwyneth’s Oscar gown of 1999, this is like a convenience store brand princess Halloween costume. Given that she was high for the entirety of the Grammy red carpet this kind of makes sense – at least there’s a reason for that dopey look on her face. Maybe that explains the dress choice too. I am actually kind of offended by Taraji P. Henson because usually she is so on point with her style, I just cannot believe she showed up at the Grammy Awards in this Bat Mitzvah dress. Seriously – this dress is made for a wealthy teenager that just got back from space camp. It is too short, too tight, and has more flair then a denim jacket on a member of the Brat Pack. Tori Kelly is literally drowning in what I can only imagine is twenty-five pounds of jungle green jersey knit ruffles. She’s gotta be, what – 5’2? She should only be wearing this dress barefoot on vacation in Cancun, not on the Grammy red carpet. And of course, Heidi Klum showed up wearing basically a shirt, which is sort of fine because her legs are so damn amazing, but then it’s also like hey girl – where are your pants?! Seriously, I’m bored with this sort of thing from her. It is the GRAMMY Awards! Nothing is shocking anymore! At this point wearing something that short just seems like she is trying really, really hard. And she doesn’t have to, she’s a GD Angel (both literally and figuratively).

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And this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The worst of the worst of the 2017 Grammy Awards red carpet. It had to be someone… I just was really hoping it wasn’t Katy Perry. We’ve been waiting for so long for her to come back on the scene with some new music, and then the first time we see her she’s gunning for a role as the feather duster in the new Beauty and the Beast. Actually, you know what? I’m not hating on the feathers. I don’t mind a fun twist on an award show outfit. I do mind however, when it’s the same shade as a paper bag. Seriously, this is one of the worst colors to put on a human being. Everything about this dress fits incorrectly and it’s doing not one favor for Ms. Perry’s rockin’ bod. And I’m sorry, I know she’s a hair color chameleon but I hate the blonde hair on her. It’s just not how I see my Katy Kat. Celine Dion is a treasure of the world, but here she looks more like a present. A really hideous, cheesy Christmas present. C’mon, the only time a dress like this is acceptable is on the annual holiday Barbie. Plus Celine is all about the hair! I miss that big, voluminous mane of hers. I know Halsey is not like your everyday pop princess, so she’s not going to show up in anything expected or girly. However I do wish that she had just worn actual clothes. Wasn’t the pajama thing like coming and going three years ago? And hello, if you are going to wear a silk pj set on the Grammy Awards red carpet, do us all a favor and give them a quick steam first? And capping it off in what I can only describe as an audition to be the fourth Sanderson sister in a Hocus Pocus remake… Rihanna. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember her red Alaia number a few years ago? Gone. Gone are those days of glamour, replaced by an orange chest plate and a poofy ruffled skirt that even Scarlett O’Hara wouldn’t be caught dead in. This ensemble would drive me to drink too.

Another one down, and you know what that means… in just ONE WEEK the mother of all red carpets – the Oscars!

And remember, if waiting  week for a blog post is too long for you, make sure to follow along in real time on the night of over on my Facebook page, Twitter, and depending on how much I decide to annoy my husband, Snapchat.

Until then,

~L

All photos via E! Online.

To Grammys House We Go

Written by Lindsay Scouras

Another winter day, another award show. Don’t you just love this time of year? (Minus the ten feet of snow for New Englanders… and constant state of drizzle here on Nantucket.)

First of all, I have to come out and admit that I missed a majority of the red carpet. 2014’s slightly off award season schedule (due to the Olympics) really messed with my mental calendar this year, and I was committed to help out at a work even right in the middle of prime arrival time. Luckily, the internet exists and it is my friend, and at 7 P.M. I promptly booked it out of there and delved right into it, without hesitating to remove my coat. Eventually I put on my tuxedo t-shirt and settled into my usual spot on the couch, ready to judge like I’ve never judged before. After all, the Grammys are the slightly eccentric aunt of the entire award show season. Those musicians… you never know what sort of hijinks they’ll get into!

But seriously, you have permission to kook it up a little bit at this one (except for in 2013, when a strongly worded memo tried to dissuade stars like Jennifer Lopez leaving so little to the imagination – as you can imagine, that worked out swimmingly). So why did so many celebs show up this year in way-too-basic black sequins? One never knows. But don’t take my word for it – I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

In the Black

This is what I’m talking about. I started having PTSD-style flashbacks to my days in retail seeing all these goth frock cross the red carpet. Theoretically, they’re not so wrong. Take Jessie J, for example. It’s a pretty dress, and it looks great on her body, but to be honest, I’m kind of over this whole see-through dress/granny panty thing. We get it – you want everyone to know your sexy and classy, both at the same time. Nicki Minaj is suffering from a similar ailment, but in two obviously different ways (i.e., her boobs). I know this is kind of tame for her, but that’s what I think the problem is. This is not the Nicki we know and love (sometimes… at least, until she speaks). I know she’s been trying to class it up now that she’s an “actress,” but girl, this is the Grammys. This is your scene. Show ’em what to do! I feel like Nicole Kidman has been keeping it real mum lately, and then randomly surfaces and you’re like oh… she’s married to the guy with the bob. She looks fine, actually probably less robotic than usual, but nothing to really write home about. And oh, Beyonce. Where is our Queen? I take back everything I ever said about that white and black pant combo from two years ago – at least that gave us something to talk about! Why this boring, shapeless frock? Oh I’m sorry, your skirt is see-through? How edgy. Please, hold my calls while I alert the media to this fashion revelation. Even the House of Dereon has more intrigue than this. Finally, I know I’m supposed to automatically root for Meghan Trainor because of her Nantucket roots, but I was kind of glad we didn’t have to see Morticia’s prom gown up on stage any more than we did during her snoozy banter with the hot Jonas (“well Nick, it’s safe to say you made a lot of girls ‘Jealous’ this year…” kill me now). I do like her and her kooky style, and I just thought this dress was all wrong for her. First, there’s more of this sheer evening gown/underwear surprise, and second, the underwire cup of her bra looks is totally visible, kind of ruining the whole nude illusion thing. I’d rather see her rock some kitty cat sequins any day.

Blacked Out

Oh, you thought those were the only stars attending a funeral that evening? Nope. There’s a whole other slew of depressing duds to sift through. Although if you’re going to go all black, you might as well look as good as Gwen Stefani in this cropped jumpsuit. I don’t even care if that top is pulling her boobs in two different directions, she looks so good. I do miss the red lip though. I feel like that could have really made the outfit. As for Miley Cyrus… well what is there even really to say. Props for being as covered as you are? Thank you for not wearing fourteen tiny Crazy Eyes buns across your head? I’m sorry, I just have a really hard time complimenting this girl on anything. I wish I knew why Ciara was so mad, but if I had to guess, I’m going to say it’s because her stylist insisted on covering up her insane calf muscles with eighteen pounds of tulle. Girl, you gotta speak up about these things. I do not by any means hate what Anna Kendrick has on, but for someone who is so fun and so spunky, I really feel like she could have done more with this safe (albeit slamming) black suit. She’s the spokesperson for Kate Spade, for Pete’s sake. Grab a whimsical clutch! A bold colored heel! Give us something, girl! Lastly, Miranda Lambert kind of let me down with this boring black frock. A hot pink strap does not an interesting dress make. Also that limp hair is killing me. You’re a country singer! Isn’t your personal mantra the bigger the hair, the closer to God?

White Out

It seems like with the past three or four award shows, there’s always a bevy of ladies working the white. I don’t blame them, especially these women – it’s heaven on their skin tone (where as I would look like I am basically invisible). I don’t quite understand what is happening with Ariana Grande‘s dress though… between the very restricting strap and the haphazard scrap of silver mesh, it looks like she was in the bottom half of a Project Runway “use everything you have” challenge. And after seeing her performance, I’m convinced she robbed a Sephora and spent her afternoon on Pinterest researching “Scotch tape winged eyeliner tutorials.” I was happy to see new It Girl Gina Rodriguez there, dazzling in white, and I especially appreciate the turquoise accent. Also, applause for a center slit that ends in an appropriate place (I’m looking at you, Kim). Chrissy Teigen looks fine and all, and I’m certainly glad that she washed her hair, but holy underboob. Is that even legal?! I’m a firm believer in the adage that if you’re going to show a major body part, cover everything else up, but my God (but seriously, how rocking is that clutch?). And finally, Jennifer Hudson. I have this theory that she still paying the price for that brown slip dress/cosmic space jacket combo that she wore the year she won her Oscar, and she has to be extra on her game like, all the time. But seriously, her body looks slamming, as usual. I think the choker is cool, but I would have preferred a longer necklace for the low neckline of the dress.

Glitterati

I love me some award show sparkle. However, not all of these ladies get my gold star. First, Rita Ora may as well be wearing a suit of armor – seriously, have you ever seen her more covered up? I do not feel that a turtleneck was a necessary addition to that dress. I appreciate the theory, just not the execution. Ugh and WHY was Paris Hilton even there? I forgot she existed and I swear she pops up at this particular award show every year and threatens to drop another “album.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I think she probably does the worst illusion paneling on a semi-consistent basis (you know, when they let her in places). But Katy Perry… you are my everything. Seriously, I loved this outfit on her. It defies everything we know as a species – gravity, science, hair color found in nature – but she does it so, so well. But since I can’t just let it be I have to say… I’m not crazy about that shoe. I’m sorry, I know, I have a problem. But points all around, Katy! Also how do we think my office would feel about lavender hair? Now there is such a thing as dripping in sparkles in a bad way, and that way is Kim Kardashian. First of all, I’m annoyed that she has a legitimate reason to be at this award show. I know everyone has said it all already: she’s wearing Liberace’s bathrobe, she could be Joan Collins double from Dynasty, yada yada yada. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the sheer size of everything. Yes, she’s curvy, but she’s also like 5’2. Why in the world would she need a shoulder embellishment that large and sleeves that long? And the pockets – everything is just heavy. I’m exhausted just looking at her, thinking about carrying that crap around all night. And don’t even get me started on the slit. I swear, we’ve seen her vagina so much lately that I’m surprised she’s even covered up this much at all. I’m kind of conflicted about Lady Gaga‘s look. I like seeing a non-crazy phase of her, but I feel like she’s still doing that to some degree. It’s no meat dress, but now it’s like she’s trying to play a 1940s sex pot, emphasis on trying… really really hard. It’s a little desperate, no? Also that pancake boob thing with those kind of dresses is pretty much one of my least favorite fashion faux pas, right behind visible panty lines. And the tan? Yikes. Even Snooki’s like “damn girl, tone it down.”

Seriously

This is where I’m just like…wtf? Like what can I even say? I know Sia is an “artist” and she has this whole greater meaning behind everything she does, but then I guess… I just don’t understand art. And is the reason she’s going everywhere with Maddie from Dance Moms is because she needs her to guide her around and make sure she doesn’t walk off a stage or something with that wig covering her eyes? Because then all of this makes a lot more sense. I had such high hopes for Iggy Azalea, and she definitely delivered in the dress department – this gown reminded me of a sexy swimsuit or something – but what.the.hell. is sitting atop her head? She looks like an extra from Star Wars. Who knew they even made braided toupées? And well… they don’t call her Princess Riri for nothing I guess. I saw the dresses from this particular Giambattista Valli runway and thought that they were beautiful in a way, like a piece of art really but…not at all wearable for any normal person. Well, luckily Rihanna is not normal and is like, eff you guys – I’m going to wear that cupcake thing like a boss. And she did I guess, I mean, you could practically see the thing from space. So, mission accomplished, I guess? (But ahhhhh oh my God, do I hate that hair. Wispies are literally the bane of my existence.)

Emotions

These three have got me feeling all sorts of feelings, and I can’t make sense of any of them. Dare I say… I like them a little bit? First of all, props to Jane Fonda – who knows why you’re even there, but God love you for getting back into the Spandex and reminding us why we should buy your VHS aerobics tapes the next time we find ourselves at the Goodwill. I know, this is kind of crazy, but I think that’s why I love it. She is a lady of a certain age; she couldn’t give any less F’s about any of this. But she looks so good, I’m like, “maybe I do need a gold fringe necklace that comes down to my pelvis.” Jane, I salute you. And Taylor Swift… I don’t know what’s happening, because there are so many elements of this that are against many of the things I feel about fashion. Between the high-low skirt, the straps that serve no purpose, the black opal paraiba earrings (like, seriously?) and the peacock ombre – there’s so many things about this dress that shouldn’t work, and then they do. Also I want those purple heels like, yesterday. As for Katharine McPhee, I am so conflicted about this number. It’s like there’s something about the silhouette of it that I love, but I’m also scared that she may have stolen part of Bane’s mask to construct it. I sort of like the color, and yet at the same time I feel like it’s a color that no one could wear. I do know one thing – that hair definitely leaves something to be desired. The wet look should be reserved for immediately exiting the swim-up bar at the pool and that is it.

Terrible

Blech, this had to happen at some point. So some things were strange or boring or ill-fitting, and others were just downright heinous (I live for these moments. Why? Because no one’s going to try to pull this stuff at the freaking Oscars). I don’t really know who Kat Graham is, but she’s working my least favorite trend of the evening and only enhancing its awfulness by doing the appliqués in white. I think it’s supposed to be a flower, but it looks like it’s exploding and then crying all over her, which is exactly how I feel right now. I’m also not really sure who Jenny Lewis is, but I vaguely remember a music video with Anne Hathaway and Kristen Stewart also wearing white suits and playing her music, so if she’s friends with those two, I’m sure she’s a real blast to hang with. Also I’m not sure if she’s actually on the red carpet or if Shia LaBeouf’s having an acid trip and we can all see her too. I actually would have been fine with a white suit, but we’ve got to work on the hem of these pants, people. Poor Zendaya. Did you know that she’s eighteen?! Eighteen! Yes, she technically looks beautiful, but whose idea was it to age her by thirty years with that hair and the Mrs. Roper dress? Charli XCX is a mess, but for a whole slew of other reasons. Is she the new Ke$ha? Like was she out partying all night and woke up late and grabbed a guy’s suit and just ran out the door? I think I’m most offended by the hair (shudder). And finally… Madonna. What can we say about the Material Mom that hasn’t already been said? So many great looks are combing here: first a matador, with a splash of Moulin Rouge, finished off with some dominatrix boots. Oh, and in case you were wondering, it’s assless underneath. So there’s that. Listen, I get that she reinvents herself, and there’s a new look and persona every few years, but this is ridiculous. She has run out of people to be and now she’s just going backwards and ripping off herself. And lets just say that the 1994 Madge in the ‘Take a Bow” video wore it better.

Phew! I don’t know about you guys, but I’m spent. Who took your breath away, and who left you feeling dizzy? I cannot believe we are now less than two weeks away from the Oscars. Enjoy your bad white tuxedos while you can… it’s about to get real.

~L

Going for the Golden Globes

Written by Lindsay Scouras

Ah, the Golden Globes. One of the highlights of award season, because well, there’s booze there. And it shows.

All kidding aside, what makes the Globes so great is the atmosphere. It’s like there’s TV people, movie people, all forced to mingle in the same room (in the case this year, a very sweaty room). It’s a semi-serious award, so even the big-named stars still feel compelled to show up, not to mention, there’s twice as many categories (so if you were nominated in the musical/comedy category, your chances are usually much higher for taking home a statue than at those stuff Oscars).

Of course, the thing we all care about is the fashion. And this year was a doozy, mainly because the stifling humidity was so obvious on all of the A-lister’s hair and faces (stars! They really are just like us). But even a little frizz wasn’t enough to rain on many of these celebs parades. So once again, it’s time for my annual review of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Girls

First up, the Girls (I’m sorry, it’s just so easy to put them all together). Usually, Allison Williams is one of the best dressed at these sort of things, but I sort of thought she just looked like a very pretty Christmas ornament. Fortunately, that’s light years ahead of her costar Jemima Kirke, who looks like an extra from Star Wars and/or the leader of one of those weird cults where you shouldn’t drink from the communal punch bowl. And poor Lena Dunham. That girl just can’t quite get it right, can she? Every year there is just something questionable about her look. This year I’m going to have to say it’s the business lunch shoe and the totally weird seams on the front of her dress. What’s with that line at the top – does Lululemon now sell evening wear? (Props to whoever chose this color – it’s magnificent on her.) Zosia Mamet… I mean, I really don’t have words. Between Gwyneth Palthrow’s ’99 Oscar dress on the bottom and that fetching shade of paper bag on the top (otherwise known as faccata), there’s just really no hope for this unfortunate ensemble.

Favorite

Now this is how you do it, ladies. It may be obvious by now that I have a thing for sparkles at award shows (and yes, I realize they’re all blonde – in the wise words of Elle Woods, we have to stick together as a hair color minority). Sometimes I look at Diane Kreuger, and I suddenly believe in reincarnation, because there’s no way that girl wasn’t Grace Kelly in her past life (although I couldn’t name one movie she’s been in for probably the last three years). And Reese Witherspoon. MY GOD. I know I’m totally biased because she’s my all-time favorite actress, but seriously, this is the best she has ever looked, ever. She should probably divorce Jim Toth and marry Calvin Klein so they can continue to make beautiful music together for the rest of their lives. Finally, I put Anna Faris in there because this is the first time I thought she really brought it to the red carpet, and I thought this dress was perfect for her. It’s like a little boho-esque, which isn’t my favorite style, but I think it works for her and she somehow looks both glamorous and comfortable.

GoAway

Ugh, ladies. What is happening here? You’re all beautiful women! You have money, stylists, mirrors (I assume). How could this happen? First and foremost, Claire Danes, to quote Regina George, “that is the ugliest effing dress I have ever seen.” I hate everything about this. It’s the most old ladiest gown there ever was. Melissa McCarthy has really been off the mark the past few years, which is surprising, since her background is in fashion. I heard her saying that she took apart two different outfits and put them together with her stylist to make this. So if this is an improvement, I can only imagine what each of these looked like before. Keira Knightley is my nightmare right now, it’s like she got pregnant and now she has to dress like a marm. This looks like an undergarment to and American Girl dress, and don’t even get me started on the fishing lures or whatever that print is. Also, Mariah would like her oversized butterfly accessory back, thanks. As for Kerry Washington, is there any way to explain this? She looks like a piece that came out of Barbie’s motherboard. That shoe makes no sense, and then only reasoning I can come up with is that her severe cleavage is cutting off the oxygen supply to her brain and she just threw on whatever heels she could find so she could get out the door. Kristen Wiig is another repeat offender in my book. It’s like she always either has something totally boring on, unwashed hair, or just the most oddball dress that she pulled out of someone’s attic. In this case, the Charlie’s Angels reject collection circa 1976.

Red-dy

Red is my favorite color, and one of the best shades you can wear on the carpet (hello, coordination). But there’s good way and very bad ways to do it, and these ladies get my thumbs down in the red category (which happened to be the most popular color of the evening). One way not to wear crimson? In the form of a tea-length dress made from a tablecloth. I’m talking to you, Julianna Margulies. I am so over that brocade fabric that seems to stand up on its own. As for Kate Mara, there’s almost nothing wrong with dress (although I am surprised by the placement of those two vertical ruffles), but she definitely needed to abide by the “take one thing off before you leave the house” rule. A wide peach satin belt? Over a red dress. If you could see my face right now, it looks a little something like this. Neither Viola Davis not Catherine Zeta-Jones have done anything particularly offensive, but I feel like they’re both waiting for their dates for the junior prom. I swear, my sister and I each wore those dresses to formal dances in high school.

Redder

Alright, we’re getting warmer. Or should I say, redder. Even more red? Whatever it is, we’re there. I do think Allison Janney looks lovely, however, I feel like this high-neck bow dress just needs to be off-limits forever, because no matter how many years have gone by or how many other people have worn it (cough, cough – Emma Stone), it will never not remind me of Nicole Kidman’s 2007 Academy Awards gown. In fact, this is like a summer cover up version of that. Is it made of jersey? I don’t hate Heidi Klum‘s sexy scarlet number, despite the empathy I feel for her right breast as it’s clearly trying to escape the clutches of that bodice. It’s a great color on her, it’s this much pageant, but it’s leaps and bounds ahead of some of the crap she’s been sporting lately. Christine Baranski shied away from the super vibrant shade, but looks crazy awesome in this Merlot number. It’s appropriate for her age, but somehow still looks better than a lot of the girls that are half of that. Speaking of women of a certain age, I’m pretty confident that Helen Mirren makes my best dressed list every year. I mean, was she born into an evening gown? It’s like everything she puts on is a second skin, fitted perfectly to her form.

Fine

Every year, there’s a handful of women that just look… okay. Kind of playing it safe, not thinking too much outside of the box. Which really bothers me, because I don’t have too much to say one way or another, and we know that’s a foreign concept for someone like myself. I loved that Gina Rodriguez won (she’s Jane the Virgin, if you don’t know, now you know! I love that show) but I wish she had slightly more pizzazz in her dress. One of the best things about her is she seems like she has a fun, fresh personality, and this dress shows nothing of that. Props for the hair and earrings, though. Perfection. I kind of thought Katherine Heigl had gotten the memo that nobody wants her to come to things, but I guess the rules change when you’re on the network that happens to be hosting the show that year, so yes, all NBCers get a free pass I suppose. Again, this dress is fine, but what are we calling the extra fabric in the front? Is that like a reverse mermaid skirt or something. Whatever, I don’t care enough to figure it out. Maggie Gyllenhaal must have contacted that company that makes those dyeable bridesmaid shoes and begged them to do a dress in their loveliest shade of rust, because that’s all I think when I look at this. And Katie Holmes – who let her out of the house? Oh wait, she’s divorced and is now allowed to roam freely (depending on Suri’s mood that day, of course). There’s nothing so wrong with this dress, but I’m totally distracted by the ponytail. I’m convinced it came from an actual horse given the sheer length of it. Finally, Patricia Arquette. She won big that night (and it only took twelve years of acting!), but looks like she’d rather be anywhere else other than on a red carpet. You’d think she’d be used to it by now? I’m convinced her clothes are just wearing her by now, not the other way around.

Orange

I’m very excited to announce that this is the first award show where I have actually seen Orange is the New Black (thank you to my sister for graciously sharing her Netflix password after I dropped hints seventeen times). Is there anything more satisfying at an award show than seeing someone who wears baggy khaki prison uniforms everyday all dolled up on the red carpet? It’s like when I was in high school and I used to wear sweatpants for the two weeks leading up until the prom. You’d think some of these girls would pull it together a bit more, given this opportunity to show off their banging bods. Laura Prepon went for straight up Elvira, while Natasha Lyonne really turned it out in cobalt (but I’m sorry, the smirk has got to go). Uzo Aduba is everything in this dark sparkly number, like I’m seriously obsessed with how amazing she looks (she definitely gets the #1 transformation award). Taylor Schilling is in the color of the night, but I’m really uncomfortable with her super prominent concave chest thing she has going on. I know the food in prison is bad, but yikes. I just want her and Giuliana to grab a burger (or five) together. Finally, Taryn Manning. That girl just will always look like a mess. Do you thinks she’s dying to do a job where she’s not a crackhead? This looks like the super glamorous trash bag that she crawled out of.

Understand

Like clockwork, there’s always a few that just baffle me. Like I spend a lot of time thinking about what I might wear should I ever have the opportunity to go to something like this. Some of these women, I have to wonder if they look at these dresses and a bulb goes off somewhere that they think it’s like, a great idea. Unfortunately, this year that meant our beloved host Tina Fey, who graced us with her presence, but unfortunately, it was in a penguin suit. Like does this shape even have a name? What is the purpose a skirt that could take flight? Thankfully, she spent little time in this due to her hosting duties. Unfortunately, Lana del Ray spent the whole damn evening in this cheap-looking seafoam green disaster. We get it, you think you’re Priscilla Presley. However, you are not, and it’s also 2015. Also, did she pick this dress up at Deb in the mall? One person who will never visit a mall probably ever again is Amal Alamuddin. I feel like because she’s not a Hollywood person, she watched like Breakfast at Tiffany’s or something and thought “this is how celebrities dress!” Which is cray, because she has the most amazing style on her own. I’m sorry, I really felt she could have done without the scrunchy opera gloves. I know she’s Mrs. Clooney and therefore untouchable by association, but to me, she looked like she was wearing a costume (and trying to figure out if it really was the butler who did it in the parlor with a candlestick). And finally, without fail, there is one dress every year that the public collectively loves and I’m the only weirdo that is like, wtf. So this year, that goes to Sienna Miller. This dress is just too much of everything, and nothing at the same time. However, that hair? It’s kind of perfect.

White

The second most popular color of the evening had to be white, which can really go either way. Emily Blunt was kind of meh in this cut out Grecian frock (with one of my least favorite trends of all time, those damn milkmaid braids), but I love when people choose to accent white with green or turquoise jewelry. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is also nothing to write home about, other than the fact that her body looks banging in this straight one-shouldered whatever (ugh, and are middle parts happening?). Salma Hayek must have gone shopping with Julianna Margulies, as she is also sporting the tablecloth stand up dress that seems to plague at least one person on the red carpet every year (or in this case, two). And Rosamund Pike. In the words of The Continental, wow wow wee wow. I’m so conflicted about this dress – from some angles it’s so angelic and flowy, and others I’m like shocked at how risqué it is. I mean, the side boob risk would be a known and constant concern for me, and she’s the one who had a baby five weeks ago!

Candy

It’s always kind of weird to see such springy dresses at these award shows given that it’s January, but then I remember that it’s LA and the fashion world is always like a season and a half ahead of us losers. I don’t love this half and half thing that Camila Alves has going on (I just don’t understand why anyone would intentionally make their body that shape), but that color is divine on her. I want to give Quvenzhané Wallis a standing ovation for dressing so cute and appropriate for her age, but mainly because she finally gave up on the puppy purses. I don’t know what it is about beautiful women like Chrissy Teigen, but I feel like they think that because they’re so gorgeous, they can just walk onto a red carpet with a messy pony and everything is fine. Okay, she does look amazing, but I’m not convinced about the seams on that dress. The wavy lines in her crotch area remind me of the wing of an overnight maxi pad or something. And Lupita Nyong’o… oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember last year, when she was the constant belle of the ball? Now here she is, looking like a walking 1950s bathing cap. And I’m sorry, but I really don’t like her new hair. She just looked so striking last year, and now, there’s just a lot happening and none of it is great.

Glitter

And on the third day, God invented glitter. Well, at least in my version he did. I feel I should have put money on Jennifer Lopez showing up in a Zuhair Murad number, but alas, award show gambling really hasn’t taken off yet. Obviously, she looks amazing, but there is just so much skin showing, I think it almost distracts from how beautiful she is. Between the plunging neckline and dangerously high slit, there’s literally about six inches of gauze and beading holding this thing together (and that’s definitely her nipple showing, right?). Julianne Moore seams to have gone the opposite route, with what I think is the most conservative, full coverage, bedazzled gown since Whoopi in Sister Act. I’m not a big fan of the ombre sequins, and ombre sequins + ostrich feathers makes me think that she got this dress in one of the gift shops at Caesar’s Palace. As for Emma Stone, she’s probably one of the only people at this show that is actually cool enough to pull off a pair of formal high-waisted trousers. And I love the idea of a bedazzled top and tuxedo pants, but I don’t like the execution in this particular case. Also, the point of wearing pants is that they’re not a dress, and therefore, IT SHOULDN’T HAVE A TRAIN. It’s just silly. I like the idea of a newcomer like Dakota Johnson being clothed head-to-toe in sparkles, I’m just not sure that I wanted it to be from two different dresses. And last but not least, Kate Beckinsale. I feel like I say this every year, but how does she keep getting invited to these things? Like, when was the last time she worked? I mean she always looks amazing so I guess it doesn’t really matter, but it’s almost like they keep inviting her to these award shows to keep everyone on their toes in the wardrobe department.

Gorgeous

What can I say, these women are all beauties. And some definitely scored more than others in the wardrobe category, but ultimately, they’re all winners (well actually, only Amy Adams is a winner, but you get the idea). First, Naomi Watts. She looks.. fine, but there’s three things that are bothering me. 1) The criss-cross draping on the top half. 2) The rhinestone doodad on the belt. 3) The diamond cobra wrapped around her neck, which I’m sure a month from now will be in every fashion magazine, because this probably means that snakes are in. Amy Adams does look pretty amazing with her retro hair and periwinkle gown… like a really beautiful Smurf or something. Felicity Jones is a newcomer to all this red carpet business, and she’s very pretty, but that top is so weirdly shaped that is sort of makes her look like an upside-down triangle. Or as Steve would say, she looks like the President of the Celibacy Club (i.e., what he says to me every time I wear a button down under a crew neck sweater). And my girl, Anna Kendrick. I think she looks really cute, but I’m not going to go easy on her just because she’s so dam adorable. I think the hair is a little severe for her and the color of her dress is too close to her skin tone and makes her look washed out. I almost wish it was a brighter nude, or even a pale pink. Jenna Dewan-Tatum seems to be very ready for Easter in this buttercup yellow gown that is accented by some sort of origami folds. She does look beautiful but I’m not dying over this look or anything.

Night

And then, things got dark. First up, Jennifer Aniston seems to be reliving her late 90s days of glory in this black halter dress. Didn’t we learn anything from Anne Hathaway at the Oscars? Stop trying to make halter tops happen. They’re not going to happen (on a positive note, thank you for finally responding to my years of begging for you to do something different with your hair). Jessica Rabbit also made an appearance… I mean, Jessica Chastain. Can you say va va voom? Who knew such a vixen was hiding underneath that baby blue sack she wore in 2013? The only thing I’m not sure about is those boobs. Maybe it’s necessary for such a dress, but they’re so high and squished together, I’m not even sure how she’s still smiling. And last but certainly not least, our little Lorde. It was predicted that she was going to wear some sort of pant, but no one said anything about gauzy palazzos that weren’t even hemmed (and let’s be real, if they’re too long for Lorde than what freak of nature could these possibly have been meant for?). No wonder she looks so glum.

Well Globetrotters, that’s it for my first award show wrap up on the new and improved Lindsay’s Look! Stop by again soon for more fashion recaps, after all – tis the season.

~L

Grammy Said Knock You Out

Written by Lindsay Scouras

I have to admit, the Grammys aren’t one of my favorite award shows as far as style is concerned. It’s definitely the most relaxed of all the “big” awards, which means that a whole bunch of people show up dressed like assholes. The Grammys apparently thought they were one step ahead of everyone by sending out a serious “memo” about what celebs should and shouldn’t wear, which it’s clear that everyone promptly laughed at and threw away, or just didn’t read at all. I think the fact that they even felt that it was necessary to send out a list of such fashion constraints shows the level of class we’re talking about here. None of this shiz would ever go down with The Academy.

But I digress. We still need to talk about these hot musical messes.

After digging through all the photos, I was only able to pick out two stars that I felt were appropriately dressed/looked amazing/didn’t embarrass themselves:

I usually don’t care for Rihanna, because let’s face it- girl makes crazy stupid decisions, from her romantic life to her clothes to the sheer amount of naked photos she has on Instagram. I’m sorry, I know the world loves her, I get that every single one of her songs have hit number one, she’s so edgy, blah blah blah. It kills me every week how my beloved Fashion Police do nothing but sing her praises when it comes to style- whether she is wearing a trench coat and nothing else or if she’s rocking 90’s acid washed cutoffs. No thanks. But I was pleasantly surprised when she showed up on the carpet rocking this gorgeous flowing number because I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at her and thought she was classy. Of course, she couldn’t go for it all the way, and just had to have a completely sheer top. It’s safe to say I’ve seen enough of Rihanna’s nipples, and I think the rest of the world has too. Solange gets the majority of her coolness quotient by way of proximity. I mean she is Bey’s little sis and spent her Grammy evening in the front row, knocking back flutes of champagne with bro-in-law Jay-Z. Normally she’s dresses a little nutty for me, but I thought this emerald gown was so beautiful on her. I’m totally jealous of people that can rock the color of the year, because green is most certainly not, nor has ever been, my color. She quirked it up a bit with her choice of shoe color and her signature ‘fro, which I adore on her.

Taylor Swift’s dress would be okay if she hadn’t added that stupid silver t-strap in the front. It reminds my of those old metal back braces that kids with scoliosis had to wear back in the day (all I can think when I look at this is “Kristy Masters stuck magnets to your back…”). And I’m sorry, I cannot get behind the milkmaid braid, no matter how trendy it is. I know that I had specifically called out Adele for being amazing at everything except for dressing herself. She always wears something black and boring. Well now I wish that she had just thrown on another raven frock. I mean, how many of Mrs. Roper’s dresses had to die to make this number? I’m glad that she finally accented her waist instead of wearing something shapeless. The clashing print on the shoe is offending my eyeballs, though. Adele, please please PLEASE redeem yourself at the Oscars, I beg of you. I cannot believe Beyonce had the nerve to do this to us after showering us in amazingness at the Superbowl. I mean, what the eff. When I look at this, I feel anger inside. I mean, it’s music’s biggest night and you show up in yoga pants. FOR SHAME, Bey. For shame.

Does anyone else look at this dress on Jennifer Lopez and just think “desperate?” We get it, J.Lo- you’re sexy. You’ve got the young (possibly homosexual) boyfriend, the gorgeous bod, and a decent career despite a few crap rom coms. So why does she have to try so hard? This dress has all the sex appeal of a Hefty bag, minus the crazy leg slit (which we have seen before, no? It’s not like this is a groundbreaking moment in fashion here). I.am.so.bored. Also I’m going to need some more fullness from her topknot. It looks like a weird little growth on her head. It’s called a sock bun, Jenny. Own it. Hi, I’m Katy Perry, and these are my breasts. No really, how can you ever expect anyone to take you seriously (or look you in the eyes) when you’ve got these bazongas on display? I don’t knock her for having curves- I just feel like this dress is like a car accident. You know you shouldn’t look, but you can’t stop staring. Also there’s no hairstyle I despise more than a middle part with NOTHING HAPPENING at the bottom. Although maybe she just gave up because she knew nobody would be looking at her hair anyway. I was completely disappointed with this whole Easter Elvira look. I can’t say anything bad about Kelly Rowland except for I’m concerned for her. I mean even the smallest movement could have resulted in a wardrobe malfunction. I think her bangs are banging, not to mention her body is too. But damn girl, those are a lot of cutouts. I know you’ve spent many years backing up Beyonce, but it’s like she’s wearing a sign that says “LOOK AT ME!” with an arrow on it. And that arrow is pointing to her vagina.

 

Alicia Keys has certainly come a long way from those cornrows with all the beads, hasn’t she? I don’t really have anything specific to say about this one. I think she looks… fine. Except the top of her dress looks like it came from a handbag. I never quite know what to think of Carrie Underwood’s style. Obviously she’s gorgeous and has never had a bad hair day, but I think she just misses the mark sometimes. This dress looks like something a woman twice her age would wear. I think the necklace ages her too, which is crazy, because Jessica Alba wore a similar necklace to the Golden Globes and I was obsessed with it. It just didn’t work this time. I also think she has too much hair for this look. She could do without about half of those extensions and slightly less bangs in the front. Plus she was missing her best accessory- her hockey husband, Mike Fisher. Oh, Carly Rae Jepsen. What are you even doing here? I mean yes, theoretically, she was nominated and everything. But did anyone think that “Call Me Maybe” would last beyond summer twenty twelve? I feel like she was styled by the costumer from Dynasty or something. From the blue eyeshadow to the bangs to the too old for her gown (although it turns out she’s like twenty seven and not seventeen as I had once thought), there is just a heaviness to this look that doesn’t really work for her. I actually really like Janelle Monae’s look. I love that she has a signature thing- the fitted, feminine tuxedo- and it works for her. And I do appreciate when people try to evolve their personal style. But there had to be another way to do this other than to become a matador. I actually wouldn’t even mind the jacket on it’s own without the tails and the ridiculous hat. And I think a pointy spiky heel would have worked way better than this open-toed shoe.

Let me just say right now what everyone is thinking. What the hell is Ashanti doing at the Grammys this year? And why is she wearing a gown featuring a floral motif but also bat wings? I can’t describe this look as anything other than… stupid. Florence Welch is known for being out there when it comes to her personal style. Usually it’s some unflattering florals or a weird headband or something. Spiky scales are a whole new ball game. I don’t care what you say about her as an artist, she looks positively reptilian and it’s horrible. The color is great for her though. If you wonder how I feel about pants at award shows, please see Beyonce commentary above. Kaley Cuoco is one of the worst dressers out there today. She just never gets it right on the red carpet. This is the GRAMMYS- you’re not just hitting up a club. And my hands down worst of the entire evening is of course, Kimbra. I think the thing that makes it so awful is that it has elements that I like, but the execution sucks. If this has been an actual skirt instead of poorly placed tulle Kleenexes, it may have worked. And I have two words for you: curled bangs. Have you ever heard a more devastating statement?

So that’s it for “music’s biggest night” (which L.L. reaffirmed about seven thousand times). And all I can say is… bring on the Oscars.

See you then, kids!

~L