Tag Archives: MimboloveAward Shows
Man, I’m getting old. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – these award shows on Sunday nights are killing me. I mean it takes a whole day to recover from just watching the show itself (which is minimum three hours, not including pre-show coverage on E! and of course, the two-hour countdown to the pre-show that I also insist on watching as well), and then days to construct a blog post (well it normally doesn’t take days, but I’ve been super distracted this week). Well despite my sleepiness, I couldn’t leave you guys hanging, so here we are: Lindsay’s Look’s official 2017 Grammy Awards fashion recap!
Let’s get one thing out on the table before we get started – obviously the story of the night that goes way beyond fashion (gasp I never knew it was possible) is the whole Adele vs. Beyonce (which I hate to even say, because I’m pretty convinced it’s not a competition between these two ladies themselves) saga that continues to dominate every website I frequent and even ones that I don’t (thank you for your ground-breaking commentary, Barstool Sports). I have my own feelings about the situation, but ultimately I just want to put it out there that I love both artists equally and having to pick who is more deserving of an award over the other feels like musical Sophie’s Choice. If you want to go more in-depth on the show as a whole, my friend Bowen and I actually did a podcast sharing our thoughts on the entire Grammy Awards telecast, which you can listen to here (or our 2016 year in review here and our Golden Globes recap as well).
I’m choosing to focus on style for this post, as I’ve always done on the blog following an award show. So here we go!
I’m going to start off by saying that I had very few overall “best dressed” picks for the evening. Was anyone else as disappointed as I was with the red carpet looks for this particular show? I know that overall the Grammys are a funkier crowd simply because musicians seem to be a little more out there in terms of fashion than the more “serious” acting crowd.
One of the biggest trends of the evening, which as it turns out were the gowns I like the most, were the ones featuring this “boob window” (which I had to learn that expression from a male friend – some fashionista over here). I always like the balance of exposing some parts while keeping others a bit covered up, and let’s face it – the Grammys aren’t particularly known for their modesty when it comes to red carpet style. I love love LOVED the color and sparkle of Carrie Underwood’s dress, but I wanted to rip those stupid sleeves right off her. I feel like if you’re going to do a statement sleeve (which maybe wasn’t necessary with the glitter and the slit and the exposed sternum), it has to be all or nothing – I would have preferred it to be regular or like, a full on ruffle, flamenco dancer style. The shape of this thing looks like something the angel on top of your Christmas tree should be wearing. When I saw Demi Lovato on the carpet, I honestly had to do a double take – from certain angles she could easily have been mistaken for a Kardashian. I actually really enjoyed her departure from last year’s look, which was quite mature for her and perhaps a bit harsh. Her makeup is gorgeous and the color of that dress looks amazing on her skin tone. The one thing I will say is I think the hair is just a smidge too long. I think a few inches off the bottom would have been a lot fresher and would have shown off her dress a bit more (also, the sparkly jumpsuit during her performance? Ah-mazing). Jennifer Lopez can’t help but put it all out there it seems, and with that body I mean, why the hell not? But is anyone else sick of the Jolie leg pose from her? I’m definitely getting there. Again, just a little more hair than I would like to see, especially when it’s almost conflicting with the giant tulle flower she’s got over her shoulder. I know some people didn’t love this look, but I thought it was sort of amazing. The color is divine on her skin tone and the giant appendage reminds me of a Carrie Bradshaw throwback. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed in a gown. One that I was surprised to see that I enjoyed was Faith Hill, as she’s definitely been towing the line of good taste over the last few years. I have always loved red on the red carpet and the fit is just perfection.
This group is another where I like the looks mostly, but then there’s something that just throws them off for me. I kind of surprised myself by liking Solange‘s number (a metallic version of what my mother would call “inside out caterpillar guts” green) because I think it actually really works for her. There’s approximately twelve people in the world that can pull off that color, and she is one of them. The only thing I’m not totally vibing on is that arm/back ruffle. I just think it’s too much with the color and the pleating. I feel like she is about to be eaten by a giant cupcake wrapper. I think as far as dresses go, Giuliana Rancic looks fine, but girl looks like she’s headed to her springtime bridal shower or something. I’m not saying you can’t rock a short dress at the Grammys, but this white lacy number seems too sweet for what is known as the most outlandish red carpet of the season. The look on Maren Morris’ face says everything I feel about this dress: pretty, but scared. Like be careful if a big gust of wind comes along and blows that crotch panel square up in your face! I mean that is a weird curtain, right? When she walked up on stage to accept her award, she kept picking it up and trying to move it to one side or another, and after realizing she couldn’t, she kind of just held it in front of her. I like the overall concept but I don’t think a real skirt would have hurt anyone here. And finally, Adele. Goddess of the evening, in a color that is apparently now referred to as “Adele green” because it just looks that good on her that none of us are allowed to wear it. Again, not an easy color to wear for most, but it just works for her. And I’m sorry, but has her hair and makeup ever looked better? (The answer is no in case you haven’t figured it out yet.) I’m not going to lie though, I don’t love the criss cross pattern on the bodice. It reminds me of those seatbelt purses that kind of had a moment in what, the early 2000s? I don’t think it’s flattering and like others at the Grammys that evening, it’s unnecessary. There’s like four different materials going on in this thing and all of them are going every which way. My poor eyes don’t know where they’re supposed to look.
It just goes to show you there is no such thing anymore as a little black dress. Chrissy Teigen looked super cool in this kind of gothic gown, although it sort of confuses me as to how she actually got into it. I’m not a super fan of the sort of wet hair style – in fact it actually kind of reminds me of the “before” look in her TRESemmé commercial. Lady Gaga… I mean, what is there to say, really. Would you believe me if I said I didn’t hate this on her? Like only Gaga could make this work. Let us remind ourselves, exactly a week ago she was being lowered in the the Super Bowl stadium wearing nothing but glittery panties and bedazzled football pads. At the Grammys she was performing a Metallica song… with Metallica. When you think about it that way, this outfit actually makes perfect sense. I have a soft spot for a girl that commits to a theme. On the opposite end we have Kristin Cavallari, who was on-hand to host the pre-pre show which basically consisted of the easiest celebrity parlor games I have ever seen (and trust me, I watched all two hours in its entirety), in what is possibly the most boring gown I have ever seen, in spite of the fact that it’s basically cut down to her navel. I was actually a little concerned seeing her. Maybe it’s just been a while, but I thought she looked very gaunt on television (so I can only imagine how she looks in real life). She’s also a victim of what I think is recent epidemic: over-contouring (which could also explain why her facial structure looks so different). There is a LOT of bronzer happening here. I’m going to call this the Kardashian effect and suggest that we start to tone it down a bit, ladies. To me, she’s looks like she’s in need of both sides of a Ponds wife and a Clarisonic Mia stat. The always lovely Laverne Cox was kind of feeling the rocker vibe too, and while I think she’s gorgeous and can wear everything, I’m partial to her glowing goddess look versus hardcore liner and a tight pony. But again, definitely on theme with the evening (and she got to meet Beyonce so she’s probably going to be wearing this outfit every day for the rest of her life).
I’m just not sure about this group. I don’t immediately hate everything that everyone is wearing, but there’s just something about all of these looks that just isn’t quite right. Katharine McPhee looks like she’s going to a company party or something. Like that is seriously one of the most boring Grammys outfits I have ever seen. I was pleasantly surprised to see Charlie XCX class it up a little bit – as much as I love her kind of crazy style, I was also shocked at how beautiful she is when she’s not wearing like, lingerie as clothing. I just wish the fabric of this dress didn’t so closely resemble a tablecloth (although this color does look gorg on her) and the draping in the front gives me the sads. With Paris Jackson I don’t quite know where to look. First of all, how odd that her dress and the top half of Katharine McPhee’s are so similar?! Secondly, these criss-cross rainbow panels hanging every which way make me worried about a potential wardrobe malfunction. I do LOVE that little geometric clutch though. And Lea Michele… I swear she showed up on the Grammy red carpet still wearing Hester’s back brace from season one of Scream Queens. I think the dress itself is very pretty, but between the crop top and the very thick collar (can you have both a halter and a turtleneck at the same time?), there is just something about this that is not working. Also she made that Wednesday Addams face the entire time on the red carpet. I can’t look at this picture for too long without having nightmares. And she’s another one I want to add to my too much bronzer/contouring club. I thought her cheeks looked like they were stained with actual dirt. Less is more, girl!
Sigh. Ladies, what do we have here? A hot mess (minus the hot), that’s what. I was shocked to see Elle King show up in something so overly girly, with a hideous matching flower crown and all. I mean, she’s normally so bad-ass. And this isn’t even like, a good girly dress, like Gwyneth’s Oscar gown of 1999, this is like a convenience store brand princess Halloween costume. Given that she was high for the entirety of the Grammy red carpet this kind of makes sense – at least there’s a reason for that dopey look on her face. Maybe that explains the dress choice too. I am actually kind of offended by Taraji P. Henson because usually she is so on point with her style, I just cannot believe she showed up at the Grammy Awards in this Bat Mitzvah dress. Seriously – this dress is made for a wealthy teenager that just got back from space camp. It is too short, too tight, and has more flair then a denim jacket on a member of the Brat Pack. Tori Kelly is literally drowning in what I can only imagine is twenty-five pounds of jungle green jersey knit ruffles. She’s gotta be, what – 5’2? She should only be wearing this dress barefoot on vacation in Cancun, not on the Grammy red carpet. And of course, Heidi Klum showed up wearing basically a shirt, which is sort of fine because her legs are so damn amazing, but then it’s also like hey girl – where are your pants?! Seriously, I’m bored with this sort of thing from her. It is the GRAMMY Awards! Nothing is shocking anymore! At this point wearing something that short just seems like she is trying really, really hard. And she doesn’t have to, she’s a GD Angel (both literally and figuratively).
And this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The worst of the worst of the 2017 Grammy Awards red carpet. It had to be someone… I just was really hoping it wasn’t Katy Perry. We’ve been waiting for so long for her to come back on the scene with some new music, and then the first time we see her she’s gunning for a role as the feather duster in the new Beauty and the Beast. Actually, you know what? I’m not hating on the feathers. I don’t mind a fun twist on an award show outfit. I do mind however, when it’s the same shade as a paper bag. Seriously, this is one of the worst colors to put on a human being. Everything about this dress fits incorrectly and it’s doing not one favor for Ms. Perry’s rockin’ bod. And I’m sorry, I know she’s a hair color chameleon but I hate the blonde hair on her. It’s just not how I see my Katy Kat. Celine Dion is a treasure of the world, but here she looks more like a present. A really hideous, cheesy Christmas present. C’mon, the only time a dress like this is acceptable is on the annual holiday Barbie. Plus Celine is all about the hair! I miss that big, voluminous mane of hers. I know Halsey is not like your everyday pop princess, so she’s not going to show up in anything expected or girly. However I do wish that she had just worn actual clothes. Wasn’t the pajama thing like coming and going three years ago? And hello, if you are going to wear a silk pj set on the Grammy Awards red carpet, do us all a favor and give them a quick steam first? And capping it off in what I can only describe as an audition to be the fourth Sanderson sister in a Hocus Pocus remake… Rihanna. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember her red Alaia number a few years ago? Gone. Gone are those days of glamour, replaced by an orange chest plate and a poofy ruffled skirt that even Scarlett O’Hara wouldn’t be caught dead in. This ensemble would drive me to drink too.
Another one down, and you know what that means… in just ONE WEEK the mother of all red carpets – the Oscars!
And remember, if waiting week for a blog post is too long for you, make sure to follow along in real time on the night of over on my Facebook page, Twitter, and depending on how much I decide to annoy my husband, Snapchat.
All photos via E! Online.
Guys, we made it. After a particularly long and not overly exciting awards season (seriously, someone born and raised in Antartica could have predicted the winners this year), we finally got to the grand finale: the Academy Awards.
Let me start out by saying I was pleasantly surprised by the overall showing of fashion on this year’s red carpet. I’m serious. After a kind of lackluster Golden Globes and a rather ridiculous (but also boring) Grammys, I didn’t know what to expect. Don’t get me wrong, there was still a slight degree of fug we need to discuss, but let’s start with the good stuff (literally):
Ding ding ding, ladies – you are the winners. First off, I have to give it to my girl Reese Witherspoon once again for totally knocking it out of the park. Dare I say she looks better than the year she actually won her Oscar? How is it even possible to have a dress that smooth – is the fabric infused with butter or something? Reminder – Tom Ford dresses one woman for the oscars. ONE. I will admit, I’m a little surprised she did the vintage Barbie black and white thing again, and I still think her sparkly number at the Globes is her best yet, but this dress is gorg on her and will never be looked back on as a fashion misstep. I’m kind of wondering how she moved her arms all night, though (I guess that’s what the help is for). I also loved Rosamund Pike‘s vibrant red strapless gown. She’s a tricky one – she’s kind of always hit or miss. Well darling, this is undoubtedly a hit. It’s textured but not tablecloth-y, the slight is just high enough but not offensive, and the hair is just slightly undone but not messy. She’s even making me believe in matchy matchy shoes again. Are Dyeables still a thing? I think Anna Faris looks like a sweet little sparkle fairy in this silver number. I just can’t get over how much her style has evolved, remember, this is the same girl from the Scary Movie films. I’m a believer that a little (good) glitz is always appropriate on the red carpet, and you can’t really go wrong with a dress like this, especially your first time at the Oscars. Finally, I have to bow down to Zoe Saldana. I don’t think she has ever looked better, and she had twins like five months ago. I think her body actually looks better now that she’s got a little curve to her, and with that gorgeous hair and the way the folds of her dress just drape across her, she just looks so soft. And major props for that color, that is not an easy one to wear. I, for example, would look like a walking Band-Aid.
I’m going to consider these ladies my first-runners up, because seriously. I know Anna Kendrick‘s dress is pretty simple, but I think the color is fantastic on her and I appreciate the built in sparkle – no jewelry necessary. I think the cutout is super appropriate because without it, this dress could skew a little Helen Mirren (not that she wouldn’t look amazing, we’ve all seen her bikini photos). Also I’m dying that she’s wearing a shade of peach, which my husband predicted early on would be the “it” color of the night. Another “never looked better” case is Kelly Osborne. Seriously, that dress is per-fect-ion. She reminds me of a really formal flamenco dancer in the best way. I love that she can be kind of zany with patterns and the hair on a regular basis and then girl just turns it out when it matters most. Rita Ora is another one that is normally kinda kooky with her style, and then she shows up looking like a beautiful screen siren (despite the shortest role ever in 50 Shades of Grey… so I’ve heard). I love that she was wearing a color that basically no one else was wearing that night, and the hint of gold brocade added a little something-something to make it more special than your average mermaid dress.
Uh, these dresses. How they conflict me so. I’m usually a more love it/hate it kind of fashion commenter. I tend to know right away whether or not I’m grossly offended by something. But these four are making me think twice, and I find myself totally on the fence still. First, Lupita Nyong’o has redeemed herself from that ridiculous purple bathing cap that she wore at the Golden Globes, but I’m not quite sure about this pearl number. I think from a construction standpoint, of course anyone could appreciate the fact that she is literally wearing 6,000 pearls and hasn’t buckled from the weight of it. There’s something to me almost gimmicky about it – like is it only interesting because of what it’s made out of? I mean, it’s a halter dress. I think if the straps were thinner, it would win me over more. It just seems like a lot on her very thin frame. Another skinny minnie that I’m undecided on is Emma Stone. I love the silhouette of this dress and how it hangs on her. I love that she has a super high slight but her arms are covered. I kind of even love the matching shoe (again!). But that color… damn that is just a hard color to wear. When I first saw her, I thought I had to adjust the coloration on my TV. I figured it was gold and I just wasn’t seeing in the right light. But then I saw that it was chartreuse, or the color that my mother affectionally referred to as “inside out caterpillar guts” when I was a kid. Now that’s all I can think of. Gwyneth Paltrow probably shouldn’t ever return to the Oscar red carpet because from now until eternity, every gown she wears will be compared to that white thing with the cape (which contrary to popular opinion, I’m still like ehhh about but people are obsessed with it). So I don’t even know why I sort of like this pale pink dress she wore that seems to be half Carrie Bradshaw, half Little Shop of Horrors. Like that thing is seriously eating her arm, but for some reason, I kind of like it! It is very hard to pull off that shade as a fair blonde woman, but her tan is on pointe and keeps her from blending into the color too much. Also let’s talk about where I can buy the knockoff version of those earrings, because I have a lot of weddings to go to this year, ‘kay thanks. Finally, Behati Prinsloo (or Mrs. Adam Levine for those who aren’t familiar with her work as a Victoria’s Secret model and all around gorgeous human being) apparently wanted to keep the Valentine spirit going with this black and red two piece. I actually like the color combination, but I would have preferred it it was consistent all the way through, instead of being very concentrated on the top and slightly sheer on the bottom. Actually I think I would have preferred for it not to be a two-piece at all. I don’t like the uneven hem at the waist and the unnecessary netting on the bottom half. Also that hair is a little severe (and those DAMN MIDDLE PARTS. Why are they everywhere?!).
Another round of gowns that I am just not quite sure about. I love the color of Dakota Johnson‘s dress and I think it looks really great on her. I don’t appreciate anything that is happening at the top. I just feel like there could have been something built in there that would give her more of a shape. And I hate that stupid ponytail. I don’t care if she’s giving a nod to Anastasia Steele – she is not a real person nor is she attending the Oscars. Like, just get your hair done! Jennifer Lopez is starting to look the same to me the more I see her at award shows. Does anyone remember a time when we didn’t know the exact shape and curve of her breasts? It’s like, we get it. You and your boobs are perfect. Is that all there is? I think it’s a beautiful dress, but I wish it was a slightly brighter shade of nude (this just looks dirty to me) and the pastel pink lipstick is all wrong with the overall golden goddess tone she’s got going on here. Laura Dern may as well be going into battle with this armor-inspired number, although I do think it looks better in photos than it did on the pre-show, where the severity of the bodice made her chest look like a shelf stolen from the Game of Thrones set. In the biggest color twist of the night, Scarlett Johansson arrived in this deep emerald green dress that kind of knocked me off my seat – I mean, has her body ever looked better? Again, had a baby like five months ago. I still don’t know if I like that necklace, and I’m a huge proponent of statement jewelry. I know for sure that the hair is NOT cute. When I first saw her, I thought that Miley Cyrus had really cleaned herself up for a minute. I’m not hating on ladies with short hair, God knows I could never rock such a look. I just wish it was down instead of slicked back, maybe with a deep side part and some killer highlights.
Neutrals have never really been my cup of tea, for some of these ladies, it’s definitely working in their favor. I think Oprah Winfrey‘s dress is a great fit on her, although I kind of hope for a little something more for something as huge as the Academy Awards. How about a big necklace or an embellishment at the waist or something? You’re Oprah, you have a few connections. Jennifer Aniston is one of those celebrities that I think is kind of overrated in the fashion department. I just don’t consider anyone who wears cargo pants to be a style icon. I think she’s just so beautiful that she can basically wear whatever she wants and people fall all over themselves. This year she “mixed it up” since she was working the awards circuit, which just mean that she wore the same boring things, but cut down to her belly button. I actually really like the detailing and the shape of this gown, and I think it compliments her hair and skin tone very well, but the height of the sheer panel over her crotch is just a little too close for comfort. Viola Davis looks nice in this princess kind of gown, but that’s kind of it. Like is there anything else to say? I prefer when she does a bolder color, because she carries it off so well. Kerry Washington is another one that I just expect so much from, and when she’s not completely on point it’s kind of a let down. Again, this dress is nice, but there’s not exactly a ground-breaking fashion moment happening here. Plus the fabric on that skirt reminds me of the knit bedspreads that seem to be at every New England bed & breakfast. I guess beggars can’t be choosers – anything is better than that Marvin the Martian dress she had on at the Golden Globes.
I love color on the red carpet, I love when people aren’t afraid to take a chance on something out of the ordinary. Teal isn’t easy to wear (does anyone else always think, “teal! The color of gangrene,” a la The Wedding Planner?), but I think it’s a good choice for America Ferrera. Unfortunately I can’t say the same for the top half of this dress, which is unfortunately making her suffer from the dreaded pancake boob. I think it’s an important lesson for the ladies: no matter what size you are, we all need a little support. Jennifer Hudson seems to kill it year after year, and this buttery yellow dream is what Naomi Watts’ Golden Globes dress wanted to be. I do wish it was hemmed a bit, but other than that, there is literally nothing to complain about here. I don’t know what’s in the water that Jessica Chastain is drinking, but is she getting sexier and sexier, or what? Who cares that she wasn’t nominated for anything, she is a total siren as of late. I could maybe do without the extra hammock of fabric that is framing her bosom, as it kind of reminds me of a mother of the bride dress. It just seems unnecessary. Finally, my favorite award show newcomer Gina Rodriguez killed it in cobalt (seriously, that color is perfection on her), but the fabric and fit is definitely leaving something to be desired. Also I loved her hair on the live show but now seeing it in photos, I realized why my best friend/hairdresser always talks me out of a side bun (“it looks like a growth on the side of your head”).
Black and white and black and white. I know it’s a easy way to go, but could we just make like a little more of an effort? Cate Blanchett is one of those celebrities that everyone looks to as a beacon of fashion, wearing the most innovative and exquisitely constructed pieces of wearable art. So imagine my surprise when she arrived at the Oscars in a… sleeveless black dress. That’s it? That’s all we get? Oh wait, you threw on a Tiffany’s chunky turquoise necklace? Please, just climb on up to the best dressed list. I mean, I get it, she wasn’t nominated for anything this year, she was just a presenter, but still. What a snoozefest. I wasn’t overly-impressed with Faith Hill‘s long-sleeved white frock, mainly because it kind of looked like it was wearing her instead of her wearing it. There’s just no particular details about it that wowed me in any way. Another one that I just do not get it Sienna Miller. I’m not usually a fan of her style anyway, but there is nothing really for me to love or hate here. I just can’t believe she showed up in this boring black thing. I didn’t even noticed it before, but now that I’m really staring at it, I see that there are a bunch of random elements that seemed like they were meant to jazz it up, and none of them are working (they especially don’t serve their purpose if you have to look at the picture fourteen times to even notice them). Like there are bows, some sort of eyelet thing going on at the bottom, oddly-placed seams… all ineffectively making this even remotely interesting. Jenna Dewan-Tatum also looks beautiful, but I’m just not blown away by this dress. And another ponytail, gaaaah. Finally, I think one of the ones I was most disappointed with this year is Margot Robbie. This is a girl that is so gorgeous, and so in demand right now that she could probably wear anything from any designer. I’m sure they’re fighting over the opportunity to dress her. And yet here she is, in a shapeless black gown with sheer sleeves. Would you ever look at that dress and say “that’s meant for a twenty-three year old?” She looks like an extra in a party scene in Downtown Abbey. Also the draping in the stomach area is flattering to no one, and is only acceptable if she is still in character from Focus and is planning on smuggling an Oscar statue out of the theater.
Now we’re starting to get into the all over the place category, starting with Patricia Arquette, who I actually think looks the best she’s ever looked at an award show (and if you’re going to do it, it might as well be on the night you win an Oscar, amirite?). I mean, is it the most amazing dress in the history of award show fashion? No, but it’s classic and tailored perfectly to her. And for someone who doesn’t seem super comfortable in this level of glamour, this is kind of a home run for her. I just wish I knew what happened between the red carpet and getting into the theatre, because her hair looked like she gone through a wind tunnel by the time she took the stage to accept her award. I know that Felicity Jones is like the award show darling of the year, but I do not get what the big deal is about her. She is so tiny, and I think she’s always wearing these elaborate gowns that swallow her. I do not like the pleating where the skirt meets the top at all, and the neckline of that dress reminds me of the metal back brace that Lisa Kudrow had to wear in Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion. I have the overwhelming urger to stick magnets on her. Meryl Streep kind of looks like she just gives zero F’s about this whole thing, and I don’t mean like she’s bored with it. I think she’s just run out of things to wear to Academy Awards ceremonies. So she’s just like, “whatever, I guess I’ll throw on a sensible blazer.” And she can do that. Because she’s Meryl (I could do without the belt though). And Lady Gaga, who was probably the least Gaga-est she’s ever been, which is okay for the Oscars, but she just couldn’t let it go all the way. Like you know that saying that before you leave the house, you should remove one thing? I think we can all see loud and clear what that one thing is. The shame about this look is the dress is actually quite beautiful. Sure, it has that kooky sleeve, but it fits her really well everywhere else. If she hadn’t been wearing those damn gloves, I would venture to say this is the best she’s ever looked.
So now it just gets weird. First off, Marion Cotillard, what are you even doing? I get that you’re French and therefore light years ahead of us in the fashion realm, but you could not pay me to wear this shapeless perforated sheet dress. Like what is the point of that thing in the back? And how would anyone know where your waist is? This is what you wear when you’ve already had your moment and you get nominated again and you know that you have no chance of winning. But if anything, that would inspire me to dress even better, so at least they’re talking about you for a good reason the next day. Chrissy Teigen is trying real hard to have some sort of moment, and once again it’s like BOOBS! VAGINA! Keep your eyes on me, because you might catch a peek! Like J.Lo, I’m kind of over the blatant showing of skin. And what is with that deep purple lip and the pale blue dress? There is nothing about these shades that coordinate. I know I’m probably going to get hate mail over this, but I was so not a fan of Julianne Moore‘s beaded Chanel. I just thinks those rows of doodads are so stupid. I don’t care if they are made out of 80,000 hand-painted resin sequins. The one at her hip really kills me – wouldn’t you want that line to be at your waist? Sitting on her hip, it cuts off her body in such a weird way. Finally, Giuliana Rancic, who had a perfectly fine gown that she wore for exactly one hour of the pre-show, changed into this flaming red flamenco thing with embroidery and satin and just… yuck. And I don’t know if you can tell from the photo, but the top is made of red fishnet. I know. I so often find myself watching the red carpet and thinking, “you know what’ missing? The scraps that Hulk Hogan ripped off his body at wrestling matches in the 80s. Let’s bring that back.”
And we’ve made it. You thought some of those were bad? Check out my picks for worst dressed of the evening. I didn’t even see Solange Knowles show up when I was watching the original telecast, but when I saw this photo as I was clicking through the arrivals albums online, I knew she couldn’t be left alone. For someone who could pull off a jumpsuit at her wedding and make it look cool, she certainly isn’t doing this oversized Spandex number any favors, and vice versa. It reminds me of those really bad Color Guard uniforms, you know, the ones with the ginormous pants? She should donate this to the Red Sox and they could use it to cover the field when it rains. I can’t say that I was shocked that Keira Knightley showed up in this prairie gown, given her track record this season. Is she gunning for another part in a Jane Austen movie? I don’t know what the words scrawled on this dress say, but I feel the same way about it as I did Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress – it’s effing stupid and I hate it. Naomi Watts has done and could do so much better than this weird brick print. It actually reminds me of in seventh grade when you learn to use microscopes and you have to analyze a piece of an onion (please tell me someone else sees it). I think the thing I hate most is the bandeau-sports bra thing underneath it. While I appreciate her covering up her side boob, it makes me think she’s going to take off the overlay and go for a run any second. I love the requisite “young people” that the Academy invites every year to get people under the age of twenty to tune in, even though they have no relevance to the Oscars or any of the films nominated. Chloë Grace Moretz could not have picked an old-ladier ensemble than this cream-colored floral gown. Honestly, when I saw it all I could think of was this. I especially hate that she posed with her hands in the pockets all night, as if that was some sort of innovative fashion technology that has never existed before. Finally, Nicole Kidman really did a bang up job on the color combination. Seriously, this gown has all the appeal of a stick of celery. The crazy thing is that if the colors had been different, this actually would’t have been so bad. I’m all for contrasting colors, but this red and pale green together is just hideous.
And we’re done! Are you guys sad it’s over? I kind of feel like the month after my wedding was over. So much build up, and then in one night, BAM! It’s done.
I can’t let go.
Another winter day, another award show. Don’t you just love this time of year? (Minus the ten feet of snow for New Englanders… and constant state of drizzle here on Nantucket.)
First of all, I have to come out and admit that I missed a majority of the red carpet. 2014’s slightly off award season schedule (due to the Olympics) really messed with my mental calendar this year, and I was committed to help out at a work even right in the middle of prime arrival time. Luckily, the internet exists and it is my friend, and at 7 P.M. I promptly booked it out of there and delved right into it, without hesitating to remove my coat. Eventually I put on my tuxedo t-shirt and settled into my usual spot on the couch, ready to judge like I’ve never judged before. After all, the Grammys are the slightly eccentric aunt of the entire award show season. Those musicians… you never know what sort of hijinks they’ll get into!
But seriously, you have permission to kook it up a little bit at this one (except for in 2013, when a strongly worded memo tried to dissuade stars like Jennifer Lopez leaving so little to the imagination – as you can imagine, that worked out swimmingly). So why did so many celebs show up this year in way-too-basic black sequins? One never knows. But don’t take my word for it – I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.
This is what I’m talking about. I started having PTSD-style flashbacks to my days in retail seeing all these goth frock cross the red carpet. Theoretically, they’re not so wrong. Take Jessie J, for example. It’s a pretty dress, and it looks great on her body, but to be honest, I’m kind of over this whole see-through dress/granny panty thing. We get it – you want everyone to know your sexy and classy, both at the same time. Nicki Minaj is suffering from a similar ailment, but in two obviously different ways (i.e., her boobs). I know this is kind of tame for her, but that’s what I think the problem is. This is not the Nicki we know and love (sometimes… at least, until she speaks). I know she’s been trying to class it up now that she’s an “actress,” but girl, this is the Grammys. This is your scene. Show ’em what to do! I feel like Nicole Kidman has been keeping it real mum lately, and then randomly surfaces and you’re like oh… she’s married to the guy with the bob. She looks fine, actually probably less robotic than usual, but nothing to really write home about. And oh, Beyonce. Where is our Queen? I take back everything I ever said about that white and black pant combo from two years ago – at least that gave us something to talk about! Why this boring, shapeless frock? Oh I’m sorry, your skirt is see-through? How edgy. Please, hold my calls while I alert the media to this fashion revelation. Even the House of Dereon has more intrigue than this. Finally, I know I’m supposed to automatically root for Meghan Trainor because of her Nantucket roots, but I was kind of glad we didn’t have to see Morticia’s prom gown up on stage any more than we did during her snoozy banter with the hot Jonas (“well Nick, it’s safe to say you made a lot of girls ‘Jealous’ this year…” kill me now). I do like her and her kooky style, and I just thought this dress was all wrong for her. First, there’s more of this sheer evening gown/underwear surprise, and second, the underwire cup of her bra looks is totally visible, kind of ruining the whole nude illusion thing. I’d rather see her rock some kitty cat sequins any day.
Oh, you thought those were the only stars attending a funeral that evening? Nope. There’s a whole other slew of depressing duds to sift through. Although if you’re going to go all black, you might as well look as good as Gwen Stefani in this cropped jumpsuit. I don’t even care if that top is pulling her boobs in two different directions, she looks so good. I do miss the red lip though. I feel like that could have really made the outfit. As for Miley Cyrus… well what is there even really to say. Props for being as covered as you are? Thank you for not wearing fourteen tiny Crazy Eyes buns across your head? I’m sorry, I just have a really hard time complimenting this girl on anything. I wish I knew why Ciara was so mad, but if I had to guess, I’m going to say it’s because her stylist insisted on covering up her insane calf muscles with eighteen pounds of tulle. Girl, you gotta speak up about these things. I do not by any means hate what Anna Kendrick has on, but for someone who is so fun and so spunky, I really feel like she could have done more with this safe (albeit slamming) black suit. She’s the spokesperson for Kate Spade, for Pete’s sake. Grab a whimsical clutch! A bold colored heel! Give us something, girl! Lastly, Miranda Lambert kind of let me down with this boring black frock. A hot pink strap does not an interesting dress make. Also that limp hair is killing me. You’re a country singer! Isn’t your personal mantra the bigger the hair, the closer to God?
It seems like with the past three or four award shows, there’s always a bevy of ladies working the white. I don’t blame them, especially these women – it’s heaven on their skin tone (where as I would look like I am basically invisible). I don’t quite understand what is happening with Ariana Grande‘s dress though… between the very restricting strap and the haphazard scrap of silver mesh, it looks like she was in the bottom half of a Project Runway “use everything you have” challenge. And after seeing her performance, I’m convinced she robbed a Sephora and spent her afternoon on Pinterest researching “Scotch tape winged eyeliner tutorials.” I was happy to see new It Girl Gina Rodriguez there, dazzling in white, and I especially appreciate the turquoise accent. Also, applause for a center slit that ends in an appropriate place (I’m looking at you, Kim). Chrissy Teigen looks fine and all, and I’m certainly glad that she washed her hair, but holy underboob. Is that even legal?! I’m a firm believer in the adage that if you’re going to show a major body part, cover everything else up, but my God (but seriously, how rocking is that clutch?). And finally, Jennifer Hudson. I have this theory that she still paying the price for that brown slip dress/cosmic space jacket combo that she wore the year she won her Oscar, and she has to be extra on her game like, all the time. But seriously, her body looks slamming, as usual. I think the choker is cool, but I would have preferred a longer necklace for the low neckline of the dress.
I love me some award show sparkle. However, not all of these ladies get my gold star. First, Rita Ora may as well be wearing a suit of armor – seriously, have you ever seen her more covered up? I do not feel that a turtleneck was a necessary addition to that dress. I appreciate the theory, just not the execution. Ugh and WHY was Paris Hilton even there? I forgot she existed and I swear she pops up at this particular award show every year and threatens to drop another “album.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I think she probably does the worst illusion paneling on a semi-consistent basis (you know, when they let her in places). But Katy Perry… you are my everything. Seriously, I loved this outfit on her. It defies everything we know as a species – gravity, science, hair color found in nature – but she does it so, so well. But since I can’t just let it be I have to say… I’m not crazy about that shoe. I’m sorry, I know, I have a problem. But points all around, Katy! Also how do we think my office would feel about lavender hair? Now there is such a thing as dripping in sparkles in a bad way, and that way is Kim Kardashian. First of all, I’m annoyed that she has a legitimate reason to be at this award show. I know everyone has said it all already: she’s wearing Liberace’s bathrobe, she could be Joan Collins double from Dynasty, yada yada yada. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the sheer size of everything. Yes, she’s curvy, but she’s also like 5’2. Why in the world would she need a shoulder embellishment that large and sleeves that long? And the pockets – everything is just heavy. I’m exhausted just looking at her, thinking about carrying that crap around all night. And don’t even get me started on the slit. I swear, we’ve seen her vagina so much lately that I’m surprised she’s even covered up this much at all. I’m kind of conflicted about Lady Gaga‘s look. I like seeing a non-crazy phase of her, but I feel like she’s still doing that to some degree. It’s no meat dress, but now it’s like she’s trying to play a 1940s sex pot, emphasis on trying… really really hard. It’s a little desperate, no? Also that pancake boob thing with those kind of dresses is pretty much one of my least favorite fashion faux pas, right behind visible panty lines. And the tan? Yikes. Even Snooki’s like “damn girl, tone it down.”
This is where I’m just like…wtf? Like what can I even say? I know Sia is an “artist” and she has this whole greater meaning behind everything she does, but then I guess… I just don’t understand art. And is the reason she’s going everywhere with Maddie from Dance Moms is because she needs her to guide her around and make sure she doesn’t walk off a stage or something with that wig covering her eyes? Because then all of this makes a lot more sense. I had such high hopes for Iggy Azalea, and she definitely delivered in the dress department – this gown reminded me of a sexy swimsuit or something – but what.the.hell. is sitting atop her head? She looks like an extra from Star Wars. Who knew they even made braided toupées? And well… they don’t call her Princess Riri for nothing I guess. I saw the dresses from this particular Giambattista Valli runway and thought that they were beautiful in a way, like a piece of art really but…not at all wearable for any normal person. Well, luckily Rihanna is not normal and is like, eff you guys – I’m going to wear that cupcake thing like a boss. And she did I guess, I mean, you could practically see the thing from space. So, mission accomplished, I guess? (But ahhhhh oh my God, do I hate that hair. Wispies are literally the bane of my existence.)
These three have got me feeling all sorts of feelings, and I can’t make sense of any of them. Dare I say… I like them a little bit? First of all, props to Jane Fonda – who knows why you’re even there, but God love you for getting back into the Spandex and reminding us why we should buy your VHS aerobics tapes the next time we find ourselves at the Goodwill. I know, this is kind of crazy, but I think that’s why I love it. She is a lady of a certain age; she couldn’t give any less F’s about any of this. But she looks so good, I’m like, “maybe I do need a gold fringe necklace that comes down to my pelvis.” Jane, I salute you. And Taylor Swift… I don’t know what’s happening, because there are so many elements of this that are against many of the things I feel about fashion. Between the high-low skirt, the straps that serve no purpose, the black opal paraiba earrings (like, seriously?) and the peacock ombre – there’s so many things about this dress that shouldn’t work, and then they do. Also I want those purple heels like, yesterday. As for Katharine McPhee, I am so conflicted about this number. It’s like there’s something about the silhouette of it that I love, but I’m also scared that she may have stolen part of Bane’s mask to construct it. I sort of like the color, and yet at the same time I feel like it’s a color that no one could wear. I do know one thing – that hair definitely leaves something to be desired. The wet look should be reserved for immediately exiting the swim-up bar at the pool and that is it.
Blech, this had to happen at some point. So some things were strange or boring or ill-fitting, and others were just downright heinous (I live for these moments. Why? Because no one’s going to try to pull this stuff at the freaking Oscars). I don’t really know who Kat Graham is, but she’s working my least favorite trend of the evening and only enhancing its awfulness by doing the appliqués in white. I think it’s supposed to be a flower, but it looks like it’s exploding and then crying all over her, which is exactly how I feel right now. I’m also not really sure who Jenny Lewis is, but I vaguely remember a music video with Anne Hathaway and Kristen Stewart also wearing white suits and playing her music, so if she’s friends with those two, I’m sure she’s a real blast to hang with. Also I’m not sure if she’s actually on the red carpet or if Shia LaBeouf’s having an acid trip and we can all see her too. I actually would have been fine with a white suit, but we’ve got to work on the hem of these pants, people. Poor Zendaya. Did you know that she’s eighteen?! Eighteen! Yes, she technically looks beautiful, but whose idea was it to age her by thirty years with that hair and the Mrs. Roper dress? Charli XCX is a mess, but for a whole slew of other reasons. Is she the new Ke$ha? Like was she out partying all night and woke up late and grabbed a guy’s suit and just ran out the door? I think I’m most offended by the hair (shudder). And finally… Madonna. What can we say about the Material Mom that hasn’t already been said? So many great looks are combing here: first a matador, with a splash of Moulin Rouge, finished off with some dominatrix boots. Oh, and in case you were wondering, it’s assless underneath. So there’s that. Listen, I get that she reinvents herself, and there’s a new look and persona every few years, but this is ridiculous. She has run out of people to be and now she’s just going backwards and ripping off herself. And lets just say that the 1994 Madge in the ‘Take a Bow” video wore it better.
Phew! I don’t know about you guys, but I’m spent. Who took your breath away, and who left you feeling dizzy? I cannot believe we are now less than two weeks away from the Oscars. Enjoy your bad white tuxedos while you can… it’s about to get real.
Ah, the Golden Globes. One of the highlights of award season, because well, there’s booze there. And it shows.
All kidding aside, what makes the Globes so great is the atmosphere. It’s like there’s TV people, movie people, all forced to mingle in the same room (in the case this year, a very sweaty room). It’s a semi-serious award, so even the big-named stars still feel compelled to show up, not to mention, there’s twice as many categories (so if you were nominated in the musical/comedy category, your chances are usually much higher for taking home a statue than at those stuff Oscars).
Of course, the thing we all care about is the fashion. And this year was a doozy, mainly because the stifling humidity was so obvious on all of the A-lister’s hair and faces (stars! They really are just like us). But even a little frizz wasn’t enough to rain on many of these celebs parades. So once again, it’s time for my annual review of the good, the bad, and the ugly.
First up, the Girls (I’m sorry, it’s just so easy to put them all together). Usually, Allison Williams is one of the best dressed at these sort of things, but I sort of thought she just looked like a very pretty Christmas ornament. Fortunately, that’s light years ahead of her costar Jemima Kirke, who looks like an extra from Star Wars and/or the leader of one of those weird cults where you shouldn’t drink from the communal punch bowl. And poor Lena Dunham. That girl just can’t quite get it right, can she? Every year there is just something questionable about her look. This year I’m going to have to say it’s the business lunch shoe and the totally weird seams on the front of her dress. What’s with that line at the top – does Lululemon now sell evening wear? (Props to whoever chose this color – it’s magnificent on her.) Zosia Mamet… I mean, I really don’t have words. Between Gwyneth Palthrow’s ’99 Oscar dress on the bottom and that fetching shade of paper bag on the top (otherwise known as faccata), there’s just really no hope for this unfortunate ensemble.
Now this is how you do it, ladies. It may be obvious by now that I have a thing for sparkles at award shows (and yes, I realize they’re all blonde – in the wise words of Elle Woods, we have to stick together as a hair color minority). Sometimes I look at Diane Kreuger, and I suddenly believe in reincarnation, because there’s no way that girl wasn’t Grace Kelly in her past life (although I couldn’t name one movie she’s been in for probably the last three years). And Reese Witherspoon. MY GOD. I know I’m totally biased because she’s my all-time favorite actress, but seriously, this is the best she has ever looked, ever. She should probably divorce Jim Toth and marry Calvin Klein so they can continue to make beautiful music together for the rest of their lives. Finally, I put Anna Faris in there because this is the first time I thought she really brought it to the red carpet, and I thought this dress was perfect for her. It’s like a little boho-esque, which isn’t my favorite style, but I think it works for her and she somehow looks both glamorous and comfortable.
Ugh, ladies. What is happening here? You’re all beautiful women! You have money, stylists, mirrors (I assume). How could this happen? First and foremost, Claire Danes, to quote Regina George, “that is the ugliest effing dress I have ever seen.” I hate everything about this. It’s the most old ladiest gown there ever was. Melissa McCarthy has really been off the mark the past few years, which is surprising, since her background is in fashion. I heard her saying that she took apart two different outfits and put them together with her stylist to make this. So if this is an improvement, I can only imagine what each of these looked like before. Keira Knightley is my nightmare right now, it’s like she got pregnant and now she has to dress like a marm. This looks like an undergarment to and American Girl dress, and don’t even get me started on the fishing lures or whatever that print is. Also, Mariah would like her oversized butterfly accessory back, thanks. As for Kerry Washington, is there any way to explain this? She looks like a piece that came out of Barbie’s motherboard. That shoe makes no sense, and then only reasoning I can come up with is that her severe cleavage is cutting off the oxygen supply to her brain and she just threw on whatever heels she could find so she could get out the door. Kristen Wiig is another repeat offender in my book. It’s like she always either has something totally boring on, unwashed hair, or just the most oddball dress that she pulled out of someone’s attic. In this case, the Charlie’s Angels reject collection circa 1976.
Red is my favorite color, and one of the best shades you can wear on the carpet (hello, coordination). But there’s good way and very bad ways to do it, and these ladies get my thumbs down in the red category (which happened to be the most popular color of the evening). One way not to wear crimson? In the form of a tea-length dress made from a tablecloth. I’m talking to you, Julianna Margulies. I am so over that brocade fabric that seems to stand up on its own. As for Kate Mara, there’s almost nothing wrong with dress (although I am surprised by the placement of those two vertical ruffles), but she definitely needed to abide by the “take one thing off before you leave the house” rule. A wide peach satin belt? Over a red dress. If you could see my face right now, it looks a little something like this. Neither Viola Davis not Catherine Zeta-Jones have done anything particularly offensive, but I feel like they’re both waiting for their dates for the junior prom. I swear, my sister and I each wore those dresses to formal dances in high school.
Alright, we’re getting warmer. Or should I say, redder. Even more red? Whatever it is, we’re there. I do think Allison Janney looks lovely, however, I feel like this high-neck bow dress just needs to be off-limits forever, because no matter how many years have gone by or how many other people have worn it (cough, cough – Emma Stone), it will never not remind me of Nicole Kidman’s 2007 Academy Awards gown. In fact, this is like a summer cover up version of that. Is it made of jersey? I don’t hate Heidi Klum‘s sexy scarlet number, despite the empathy I feel for her right breast as it’s clearly trying to escape the clutches of that bodice. It’s a great color on her, it’s this much pageant, but it’s leaps and bounds ahead of some of the crap she’s been sporting lately. Christine Baranski shied away from the super vibrant shade, but looks crazy awesome in this Merlot number. It’s appropriate for her age, but somehow still looks better than a lot of the girls that are half of that. Speaking of women of a certain age, I’m pretty confident that Helen Mirren makes my best dressed list every year. I mean, was she born into an evening gown? It’s like everything she puts on is a second skin, fitted perfectly to her form.
Every year, there’s a handful of women that just look… okay. Kind of playing it safe, not thinking too much outside of the box. Which really bothers me, because I don’t have too much to say one way or another, and we know that’s a foreign concept for someone like myself. I loved that Gina Rodriguez won (she’s Jane the Virgin, if you don’t know, now you know! I love that show) but I wish she had slightly more pizzazz in her dress. One of the best things about her is she seems like she has a fun, fresh personality, and this dress shows nothing of that. Props for the hair and earrings, though. Perfection. I kind of thought Katherine Heigl had gotten the memo that nobody wants her to come to things, but I guess the rules change when you’re on the network that happens to be hosting the show that year, so yes, all NBCers get a free pass I suppose. Again, this dress is fine, but what are we calling the extra fabric in the front? Is that like a reverse mermaid skirt or something. Whatever, I don’t care enough to figure it out. Maggie Gyllenhaal must have contacted that company that makes those dyeable bridesmaid shoes and begged them to do a dress in their loveliest shade of rust, because that’s all I think when I look at this. And Katie Holmes – who let her out of the house? Oh wait, she’s divorced and is now allowed to roam freely (depending on Suri’s mood that day, of course). There’s nothing so wrong with this dress, but I’m totally distracted by the ponytail. I’m convinced it came from an actual horse given the sheer length of it. Finally, Patricia Arquette. She won big that night (and it only took twelve years of acting!), but looks like she’d rather be anywhere else other than on a red carpet. You’d think she’d be used to it by now? I’m convinced her clothes are just wearing her by now, not the other way around.
I’m very excited to announce that this is the first award show where I have actually seen Orange is the New Black (thank you to my sister for graciously sharing her Netflix password after I dropped hints seventeen times). Is there anything more satisfying at an award show than seeing someone who wears baggy khaki prison uniforms everyday all dolled up on the red carpet? It’s like when I was in high school and I used to wear sweatpants for the two weeks leading up until the prom. You’d think some of these girls would pull it together a bit more, given this opportunity to show off their banging bods. Laura Prepon went for straight up Elvira, while Natasha Lyonne really turned it out in cobalt (but I’m sorry, the smirk has got to go). Uzo Aduba is everything in this dark sparkly number, like I’m seriously obsessed with how amazing she looks (she definitely gets the #1 transformation award). Taylor Schilling is in the color of the night, but I’m really uncomfortable with her super prominent concave chest thing she has going on. I know the food in prison is bad, but yikes. I just want her and Giuliana to grab a burger (or five) together. Finally, Taryn Manning. That girl just will always look like a mess. Do you thinks she’s dying to do a job where she’s not a crackhead? This looks like the super glamorous trash bag that she crawled out of.
Like clockwork, there’s always a few that just baffle me. Like I spend a lot of time thinking about what I might wear should I ever have the opportunity to go to something like this. Some of these women, I have to wonder if they look at these dresses and a bulb goes off somewhere that they think it’s like, a great idea. Unfortunately, this year that meant our beloved host Tina Fey, who graced us with her presence, but unfortunately, it was in a penguin suit. Like does this shape even have a name? What is the purpose a skirt that could take flight? Thankfully, she spent little time in this due to her hosting duties. Unfortunately, Lana del Ray spent the whole damn evening in this cheap-looking seafoam green disaster. We get it, you think you’re Priscilla Presley. However, you are not, and it’s also 2015. Also, did she pick this dress up at Deb in the mall? One person who will never visit a mall probably ever again is Amal Alamuddin. I feel like because she’s not a Hollywood person, she watched like Breakfast at Tiffany’s or something and thought “this is how celebrities dress!” Which is cray, because she has the most amazing style on her own. I’m sorry, I really felt she could have done without the scrunchy opera gloves. I know she’s Mrs. Clooney and therefore untouchable by association, but to me, she looked like she was wearing a costume (and trying to figure out if it really was the butler who did it in the parlor with a candlestick). And finally, without fail, there is one dress every year that the public collectively loves and I’m the only weirdo that is like, wtf. So this year, that goes to Sienna Miller. This dress is just too much of everything, and nothing at the same time. However, that hair? It’s kind of perfect.
The second most popular color of the evening had to be white, which can really go either way. Emily Blunt was kind of meh in this cut out Grecian frock (with one of my least favorite trends of all time, those damn milkmaid braids), but I love when people choose to accent white with green or turquoise jewelry. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is also nothing to write home about, other than the fact that her body looks banging in this straight one-shouldered whatever (ugh, and are middle parts happening?). Salma Hayek must have gone shopping with Julianna Margulies, as she is also sporting the tablecloth stand up dress that seems to plague at least one person on the red carpet every year (or in this case, two). And Rosamund Pike. In the words of The Continental, wow wow wee wow. I’m so conflicted about this dress – from some angles it’s so angelic and flowy, and others I’m like shocked at how risqué it is. I mean, the side boob risk would be a known and constant concern for me, and she’s the one who had a baby five weeks ago!
It’s always kind of weird to see such springy dresses at these award shows given that it’s January, but then I remember that it’s LA and the fashion world is always like a season and a half ahead of us losers. I don’t love this half and half thing that Camila Alves has going on (I just don’t understand why anyone would intentionally make their body that shape), but that color is divine on her. I want to give Quvenzhané Wallis a standing ovation for dressing so cute and appropriate for her age, but mainly because she finally gave up on the puppy purses. I don’t know what it is about beautiful women like Chrissy Teigen, but I feel like they think that because they’re so gorgeous, they can just walk onto a red carpet with a messy pony and everything is fine. Okay, she does look amazing, but I’m not convinced about the seams on that dress. The wavy lines in her crotch area remind me of the wing of an overnight maxi pad or something. And Lupita Nyong’o… oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember last year, when she was the constant belle of the ball? Now here she is, looking like a walking 1950s bathing cap. And I’m sorry, but I really don’t like her new hair. She just looked so striking last year, and now, there’s just a lot happening and none of it is great.
And on the third day, God invented glitter. Well, at least in my version he did. I feel I should have put money on Jennifer Lopez showing up in a Zuhair Murad number, but alas, award show gambling really hasn’t taken off yet. Obviously, she looks amazing, but there is just so much skin showing, I think it almost distracts from how beautiful she is. Between the plunging neckline and dangerously high slit, there’s literally about six inches of gauze and beading holding this thing together (and that’s definitely her nipple showing, right?). Julianne Moore seams to have gone the opposite route, with what I think is the most conservative, full coverage, bedazzled gown since Whoopi in Sister Act. I’m not a big fan of the ombre sequins, and ombre sequins + ostrich feathers makes me think that she got this dress in one of the gift shops at Caesar’s Palace. As for Emma Stone, she’s probably one of the only people at this show that is actually cool enough to pull off a pair of formal high-waisted trousers. And I love the idea of a bedazzled top and tuxedo pants, but I don’t like the execution in this particular case. Also, the point of wearing pants is that they’re not a dress, and therefore, IT SHOULDN’T HAVE A TRAIN. It’s just silly. I like the idea of a newcomer like Dakota Johnson being clothed head-to-toe in sparkles, I’m just not sure that I wanted it to be from two different dresses. And last but not least, Kate Beckinsale. I feel like I say this every year, but how does she keep getting invited to these things? Like, when was the last time she worked? I mean she always looks amazing so I guess it doesn’t really matter, but it’s almost like they keep inviting her to these award shows to keep everyone on their toes in the wardrobe department.
What can I say, these women are all beauties. And some definitely scored more than others in the wardrobe category, but ultimately, they’re all winners (well actually, only Amy Adams is a winner, but you get the idea). First, Naomi Watts. She looks.. fine, but there’s three things that are bothering me. 1) The criss-cross draping on the top half. 2) The rhinestone doodad on the belt. 3) The diamond cobra wrapped around her neck, which I’m sure a month from now will be in every fashion magazine, because this probably means that snakes are in. Amy Adams does look pretty amazing with her retro hair and periwinkle gown… like a really beautiful Smurf or something. Felicity Jones is a newcomer to all this red carpet business, and she’s very pretty, but that top is so weirdly shaped that is sort of makes her look like an upside-down triangle. Or as Steve would say, she looks like the President of the Celibacy Club (i.e., what he says to me every time I wear a button down under a crew neck sweater). And my girl, Anna Kendrick. I think she looks really cute, but I’m not going to go easy on her just because she’s so dam adorable. I think the hair is a little severe for her and the color of her dress is too close to her skin tone and makes her look washed out. I almost wish it was a brighter nude, or even a pale pink. Jenna Dewan-Tatum seems to be very ready for Easter in this buttercup yellow gown that is accented by some sort of origami folds. She does look beautiful but I’m not dying over this look or anything.
And then, things got dark. First up, Jennifer Aniston seems to be reliving her late 90s days of glory in this black halter dress. Didn’t we learn anything from Anne Hathaway at the Oscars? Stop trying to make halter tops happen. They’re not going to happen (on a positive note, thank you for finally responding to my years of begging for you to do something different with your hair). Jessica Rabbit also made an appearance… I mean, Jessica Chastain. Can you say va va voom? Who knew such a vixen was hiding underneath that baby blue sack she wore in 2013? The only thing I’m not sure about is those boobs. Maybe it’s necessary for such a dress, but they’re so high and squished together, I’m not even sure how she’s still smiling. And last but certainly not least, our little Lorde. It was predicted that she was going to wear some sort of pant, but no one said anything about gauzy palazzos that weren’t even hemmed (and let’s be real, if they’re too long for Lorde than what freak of nature could these possibly have been meant for?). No wonder she looks so glum.
Well Globetrotters, that’s it for my first award show wrap up on the new and improved Lindsay’s Look! Stop by again soon for more fashion recaps, after all – tis the season.