Tag Archives: MimboloveAward Show

City of Os-cars, Are You Dressing Just for Me?

Written by Lindsay Scouras

Well people, here we are – the end of award show season. AKA, when I sink fully into my seasonal depression (I’m kidding… sort of). Award shows are pretty much the only good thing about the winter in these parts, and now it’s over ? What will I do with all my free time?!

This one was tough for me because more than ever, I really have hardly seen any of the movies. As I’ve mentioned, life on an island is tricky for many reasons, and for a pop culture addict like myself, it’s hard to take in all of the year’s cinematic masterpieces when you have two theaters with one screen each, and film like Moonlight plays exactly TWO times, one of those being at 4 P.M. on a Thursday.

So as usual, I was relying on the fashions to get me through. And unfortunately, I was a little disappointed with last night’s turnout. A lot of safe looks, neutral colors, and… velvet? (My fifth-grade self is overjoyed at this turn of events.)

Someone else who is feeling a little down today? I’m guessing the entire cast of La La Land (one of the films I was actually able to see!). And also Moonlight, for missing out on their moment a bit. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, well, I’m kind of not sure how you got to the blog, but welcome! And if you do know what I’m talking about and want to hear more, you can listen to the podcast that Bowen and I recorded this morning breaking down all the events of last night’s telecast. But ’round these parts we focus on fashion, so here we go!

Like I said, I was a little bummed out by the lack of risks/innovation/color last night, but these ladies stood out as my best of the best. You might not know who Auli’i Cravalho is yet (I certainly didn’t when she arrived on the red carpet early in the evening) but you probably know her voice from Moana. And of of last night, you know her as the sixteen year-old performer who got hit in the face with a flag during her performance in front of like a billion people and totally kept her cool. I will now know her as the girl that could save Hollywood. I mean she is talented and gorgeous and full of class. Help us, Auli’i, you’re our only hope (until Bey and Amal’s twins grow up, of course). I think she looks so beautiful in this white gown. The metallic accents and uneven layers keep it from going “bridal” and girl already has a killer posing arm going on. Live long and prosper. A big winner of the night (finally!) was Viola Davis, who was the only person to sport a color that I really loved. Seriously, I have never see anyone who can dress like a primary crayon and look so damn good. It’s a classic shape, but the halter and sleeves keep it a fresh and different. The Queen of the red carpet for me was most definitely Taraji P. Henson. Cookie slayed from the second she left the limo – between the hair, the slit, the cleavage – and everything just worked for her. Taraji knows exactly how to walk that fine line of sexy vs. skanky, and I was so happy to see that she left her juvenile Grammy look behind for Hollywood’s biggest night. Finally, one of the big winners of the evening was Emma Stone, in more ways than one. If you ask me, she either knew she was going to win or believes in fashion osmosis, and that by dressing the part of a lady Oscar statue, she in turn took home the gold. Just one of my many conspiracy theories for the evening, but you can’t deny that girl looks good. If I had to change one thing (and it’s just a very small one thing), I would say that I wish this gown was a slightly different tone, because I think this color is a little too close to her skin and washes her out a bit. Maybe a more yellow-y gold (I mean, she wore head-to-toe chartreuse last year) or if this had been done in like, a pewter color – that would have been amazing. But her hair and makeup has never looked better.

These ladies are my second in line for being the belles of the ball. I don’t know why Karlie Kloss is there (requisite millennial to show how young/hip the Academy thinks they are?) but she is essentially the only person that can get away with this style of dress. You have to have like one percent body fat and no boobs to even look at this on the hanger. I would like to give her the award for best use of an ACLU ribbon – the blue really pops against the white, as does having it displayed on her protruding hipbone. Ava Duvernay should get some sort of award for looking this amazing less than 48 hours after returning from New Zealand (where my girl Reese was as well). This dress is not only beautifully-crafted, but was created by a Muslim designer in Lebanon. Activism looks darn good on her. I can’t believe that on Saturday I was watching a tween Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit on AMC and on Sunday I was literally bowing down in front of my television for her. This dress is just perfect for her – it’s age appropriate without being immature, and the oh-so dramatic makeup and hair keeps it from going too foo-foo. And Octavia Spencer… I feel like you kind of have to dress like a queen with the name Octavia. I don’t know what to call this color, but it’s just the right shade that keeps it from resembling dirty bath water. Feathers were forecasted to be a big trend for the evening, and Octavia delivered with this fluttery number. I’m not the biggest fan of the top, it’s a little mother-of-the-bride for me, but I think it balanced out the skirt just fine.

Overall, I like the ensembles in the category but… well, let’s start with Teresa Palmer. First of all, who is she and why did someone let her ruin a perfectly good metallic dress with an ugly belt? (Apparently, belts are in too, FYI.) And I don’t know exactly what it is, but I don’t think there is a good boob situation going on here. Like I think the top of this dress is ill-designed (despite the fact that it’s Prada). I did look her up on Instagram and she had a baby like ten weeks ago so you can’t really fault her for anything, can you? Another hot mom in the mix is the always beautiful Halle Berry, who broke records winning her own Oscar in 2002 so you know that she just didn’t give an EFF and will show up however she damn well pleases. I am all for big hair, but this is like, really big. Like Sideshow Bob big. It’s totally distracting and frankly hides a lot of her beautiful face/skin/eternal youth. I like this gown, sorta. I think it’s very flattering, and I wish that I could have seen this top and this bottom as their own dresses because these two were not made for each other. And the bottom part of the black tulle that just is left there, limp and lifeless… no. Just no. Olivia Culpo was one of the quasi-celebrities that E! managed to convince to appear on one of their many several hours of pre-show programming, and they went into this whole story with a video montage of how this dress was made and even though it’s Marchesa it’s somehow also made by Stella Artois, and I don’t know how but they give people clean drinking water when they make beer, so props. I think this dress is gorgeous; it is an engineering masterpiece. So why, WHY would you ruin it with those slicked-to-your-forehead side bangs?! During the pre-show I swear there was one baby bang that was trying to jump ship to the side it rightfully belonged to. It was so distracting, I kept smudging my screen as if I could push it out of the way myself. BTW, the black ribbon was an add-on, and I’m not sure if it’s a necessary one at that. In a world full of beige (I’m coming for you, Kidman), I love that we have a Janelle Monae. She is so kooky and weird but gorgeous and I kind of love her (but could not tell you one song she sings). Yes, this look is crazy, and no, I would never wear it. It’s got everything – a belt, tulle side panels, a Grecian-style headband, strategically-placed appliques. Girl just kept piling it on. But seriously, I found the majority of the red carpet to be so boring, this was almost like a breath of fresh air, and I don’t think anyone else there could wear anything like this other than her.

Okay, here’s where we make a pit-stop in Dulls-ville. I’m not complaining, everyone looks pretty but… there’s just something missing with all of these. When I saw Felicity Jones take to the carpet, I could only see her head, which I swear was just floating around as if detached from her body. Turns out it was just another flesh-toned dress, yawn. I also felt that this was very ill-fitting. Felicity is a tiny British nymph, and something about the cut of this dress made her look much wider than she actually is. Isabelle Huppert looked beautiful (and also mad, but also French), but I felt like she thought all of this was beneath her the whole night. I never saw her smile once… granted, she didn’t win, but still. I don’t mind this dress, and I think it looks great on her… but man, these hanging belts are really killing me. Nicole Kidman has made vast improvements from her other appearances on the red carpet this year (like hey what’s up hello) so I guess it’s okay that this one is kind of boring. But like, could this have been any other color than Nicole Kidman-pinky beige? Also those circular designs are a little hypnotize-y. Whatever, it’s fine, I’ll take it. I am pretty bummed about this Chrissy Teigen look. I kind of don’t get it. The top part was almost like a different color square panel in the middle with tiny bedazzled fireworks on it. There was a cape, there was a front arm sash (just one though), there was (shocker!) a belt, a very high slit, more firework jewels… and the most boring hair to boot. It just wasn’t one of my favorites on her.

I mean, if you wear an all-black dress on the red carpet are you even really trying? Kate McKinnon seems to be suffering from what I call Kristen Wiig Syndrome – a really fun person who wears really boring gowns at award shows. Do you think it’s because so much of their personalities are brought out by wigs and prosthetic noses? Like this is fine, but nothing to write home about. I know that Michelle Williams is a Louis V darling, but I find her to be very hit-or-miss with fashion (she’s a pretty reliable one good year, one bad year type of gal). This dress is literally nothing special – I repeat, nothing. In fact, Emma Roberts showed up in virtually the same thing but didn’t look like a grandmother. And I really miss Michelle’s longer pixie. Again, the hair, the skin, the skirt – everything is the same color and all of it is blah. Salma Hayek is another one I just don’t understand. Did you know that her husband is the CEO of a company that owns Alexander McQueen, Balenciaga, Gucci, and Saint Laurent Paris? So why on earth doesn’t she dress better? This is literally a really long negligee over the highest of high-waisted briefs. And the jeweled headbands – I can’t. As discussed, Emma Roberts was basically twinning it with Michelle Williams (hopefully unintentionally, but hey, one never knows). I think I like this version better because it’s not so old looking, despite being vintage. The boob area is very small so I was a little nervous about that, but overall I think this is a much better-executed look than the previous. But the Jessica Rabbit hair? Eesh. If we could just go back to this, that would be great. Finally, Alicia Vikander, who is one of those award show darlings that I just do not understand. She has the body of a Chinese gymnast, and yet she always somehow ends up in very heavy looks that totally overwhelm her small frame (I will never forget that freakin’ daffodil bubble hem from last year). She looks like a really boring version of the flamenco dancer Emoji with hair that she just like, what – tied up after leaving the gym? But don’t worry guys, she managed to throw on probably a million dollars worth of diamonds to really tie the whole look together.

When weird dresses attack! Seriously, I don’t know what to say here. Again, prefacing this with the fact that all these women are gorgeous and sometimes there is a just something that doesn’t work. But you can see the vision and get that it was going somewhere, and then you just feel bad that the people that tell them how good they look are being paid handsomely to do so. Leslie Mann could not be missed in this highlighter yellow number, complete with bunches and ties and well… that’s pretty much it. But it’s a lot. It kinda reminds me of a homemade costume for a community theater production of Beauty and the Beast. If she’s gunning for a role in the remake, someone may want to let her know that ship has sailed. It’s strange though – there’s something about this that I actually like and I want it to succeed. I want this dress to be one of those Project Runway challenges where they have to make a bad dress into a good one. Also it’s a bit much for presenter, no? Jessica Biel has never been at the top of any of my lists (yes I know it’s not ethical but I just can’t explain why I don’t like her and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). Gold sequins and red carpets go together like Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling… so why doesn’t this work? Well, let’s start with the fact that she looks like she came straight from a drag production of The Lion King, where she may have been actually mauled by someone named Tigress. If you take off the necklace and leave the sequins in tact, this has some semblance of a beautiful dress. Unfortunately, it’s been destroyed. I want to like Kirsten Dunst’s look, after all, she’s kind of been out of the spotlight for a while. This dress is fine (albeit kind of boring and old for her) and the choker is to die for, but the hair is so messy and disheveled, it totally throws off the kind of old-Hollywood class that I assume she was going for (I mean, she is wearing a close-toed shoe). The proportions are very odd here, with the waist so small and all the extra fabric at the skirt… and are we done with this high-low hem thing yet? Speaking of high-low – how is one supposed to understand their feelings about Naomi Harris’ look? So beautiful from the top up, the dress fits like a dream, it has just enough trendy items (a cape! underboob cutout!), and then… a pencil skirt? Like, what am I looking at here? And I’m sorry, I know it’s intentional but the mismatched jewels on the shoes are really throwing me for a loop (but I appreciate the pop of color). STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS, NAOMI. Don’t we get enough of that with Moonlight?!

I’m running out of steam to describe how celebrities almost nail it and then something goes wrong. Charlize Theron has always been a picture of cool style, and this dress could be great, but I wish the metallic skewed more gold instead of green. Also, you can’t tell in this photo, but her hair is very well-styled in the front and then it’s a ponytail in the back. They didn’t even wrap the hair tie! AAAARRGGGH. It’s literally infuriating. Also hi, sorry – the top on this doesn’t fit. Ginnifer Go0dwin was having a tough time with the very recent passing of her Big Love co-star Bill Paxton… so I think I’m going to leave this one alone for now. It’s a great color. That is all. Brie Larson really confused me here. She was so bright and vibrant and fresh last year, and now she’s like, a blondie zombie version of Angelina Jolie. This dress is nice (I think?) but it’s very dark (black velvet will do that to ya) and quite Elvira-esque. The blank stare doesn’t help. And Giuliana Rancic… there’s a lot of folds here, huh? (That’s literally all I have.) Also I hate dresses that need choreography in order to show how they’re “supposed” to look on the red carpet. If you can’t sit, stand, walk up the stairs, walk down a carpet, or dine at In N Out Burger with it… pick something else.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for – the worst dressed of the evening (yes, we’re horrible people – please stay as long as you like, you are among friends). Ruth Negga was the first person I saw on the red carpet and I was afraid that the whole evening was shot. She is so beautiful, why, oh why, did she choose to dress like a harlequin from a Civil War movie? I know I said I love red at award shows… well maybe i should have been more specific. She literally looks like she’s on fire, and not in a good way. And I hate that her earrings, headband (again, ick), and lipstick are all in competing shades of crimson. Nothing goes and I’m dying. There goes Priyanka Chopra again, showing up at things. Bowen and I have this theory that she should only do hair commercials, as we feel her acting is subpar and I don’t know a single person that watches Quantico (but who knows, maybe our minds and hearts will be swayed by her upcoming role in… the Baywatch reboot?). Again, a beautiful girl who didn’t do herself any favors by wearing what is basically the underside of your Nana’s quilt to the Oscars. This pattern hurts me in more ways than one. Another pattern-offender is Scarlett Johansson. I don’t even know how to describe what is happening on this dress, I just know all of it’s bad and a studded biker belt doesn’t help. And like Charlize’s dress, the top does not fit. Is there like, some kind of tailoring shortage in Hollywood right now?! Finally, my worst of the worst, so bad your grandma doesn’t even want it: Dakota Johnson. The sheen of this hurts my eyes, and the crotch bow is abhorrently dreadful. I feel like I have to use words like that because I believe she stole this straight from Maggie Smith’s bedroom in Downtown Abbey. In what stratosphere is this a good color on anyone? Don’t worry guys – she accessorized with a big fat chintzy necklace over the neck ruffle. Now it’s all okay. EXCEPT NONE OF THIS WAS EVER OKAY. I can’t.

And there you have it! Thank you so much to everyone who followed along with me this award show season. I know there’s a lot happening out there right now, and in no way am I saying that any of this is more important than what’s going on in our country and the fight that is being fought every single day. But if I can provide even a little bit of a temporary distraction from all the crazy, well then… that’s what it’s all for. And also because I like it and it’s fun and if I hold the snark in I may just poison myself from the inside, ‘kay?

Until next time,

L

To Grammys House We Go

Written by Lindsay Scouras

Have you recovered yet from the Grammys last night? Between sitting on the edge of my seat during the red carpet anticipating a potential Kanye/T Swift throwdown and the crushing blow of Adele not nailing every single note (but of course, still sounding ten thousand times better than every other artist that performed), combined with lack of sleep (an award show that goes until 11:30 PM on a Monday night? I can’t) and I’m definitely feeling something similar to a hangover today. Not to mention a total snoozefest of ensembles for what should be one of the most entertaining fashion evenings of the year. Everyone always talks about the Grammys as one of the few big award shows where it’s okay to go a little out there. Which somehow still resulted this year in… black. So much black. Seriously, people? That’s the best you can do? Oh, nevermind, there’s a slit up to your pelvic bone. How innovative!

Also, despite the fact that I started watching the preshow the second I got home from work (because again, it was a MONDAY and some of us can’t tune into your pre-pre-preshow at 4 PM, okay E?), when I went searching for arrival photos, I felt like there was a much smaller pool than usual of big-name stars to choose from. There’s also a lot of crazy people that no one has ever heard of but get an immediate bump in their Google searches from showing up in the craziest thing they can try to pass off as clothing (I hate to break it to you, but this is not a dress). When I was putting together my collages I was shocked at how few photos I actually came up with. And let’s be totally upfront: there was no one that I was so enamored by as to declare a “best dressed.” It’s a scary time we’re living in, people. Scary times.

Color

So of everyone that made an appearance last night, this group is probably the ones that could be considered the most wearable (and colorful – praise Beyonce). Selena Gomez looked beautiful, but I couldn’t help but feel that this dress has been done time and time again, mainly by Sofia Vergara and the last ten years of Miss USA contestants. And I know Selena is hocking Pantene nowadays but I thought there was a bit too much hair happening in the back. Ariana Grande took what could have been a really elegant dress (in my favorite shade) and completely cheapened it with faux buttons on the corset (because…why?) and a really poorly-constructed cup situation. And that damn ponytail is back. Just when we thought she was starting to grow up a little… I think I really like Tori Kelly and this is a fantastic color on her, but I have to wonder – her stylist can see her, right? Why would this dress have not been altered? You could have chopped a foot off the bottom easily and it would probably propel her to best dressed, no problem. She’s like 5’4, and this dress is literally enveloping her (I also thought she should have won Best New Artist, but I guess it just wasn’t her night in more ways than one). I know a lot of people are declaring Taylor Swift to be the fiercest of them all, but I’m kind of on the fence about this. Don’t get me wrong, I love the color blocking (this being one of my favorite outfits ever) but I’m not crazy about the execution. It is a very small top relative to the skirt, which I think makes the red-orange color a little too jarring to look like it’s intentional. I think if you’re going to do it, the fabrics need to be identical or similar, and the skirt is so shiny in comparison. And I’m sorry, but I hate the giant granny underwear. I just don’t think the slit needs to be that high. Also I can’t think of anything less rock and roll than that haircut. I miss these days. I don’t really know much about Kacey Musgraves but I get the sense she’s not afraid of trying new looks, which I appreciate. Unfortunately, they’ve looked like this in the past. Which is why this year, I’m giving her the most improved award. She’s got a busy dress on, so keeping the hair simple was a welcome change for her, and I like the pop of color with her lipstick. I would have liked to see just one piece of jewelry. The decolletage area is just screaming for a (little) bling.

People I like

This is one group that is just giving me the sads all over. I like all of them, and I want to like their fashion choices… but alas, ’twas not meant to be. Carrie Underwood has done the Grammys so many times, I would have thought she had this one in the bag (remember the cape?!) She looks like the oldest and snootiest lady on the carpet. I just think this is way too formal for an event like this. Between the gown and the jewels and the hair, she looks like an extra in the party scene of The American President. Speaking of classy ladies, Adele phoned it in with a boring black number (with sleeves, ugh) that does nothing for her fantastic figure. Like, where is her waist? I know she has one! I will say, I was thoroughly digging the fresh and choppy ‘do. It was so nice not to see her with a perfectly coiffed bouffant. I don’t know what Anna Kendrick is wearing, but I’m utterly heartbroken about it because she is one of my absolute favorite people in Hollywood. She has such a fun personality – why is she stifling it into this late ’90s prom dress? Girl should just let Kate Spade dress her all the time.

Fair Enough

I don’t usually count “white” as a color variety at award shows but given how little actual color there was this evening, I’ll take what I can get! I love what Chrissy Teigen is wearing here (even though it’s a little bit of a Kim Kardashian kopycat), in fact, I think her overall style is way better preggo than not. It doesn’t hurt that she’s just a genetically blessed human being and doesn’t take herself too seriously. This is probably the first time I’ve seen Ellie Goulding and thought that she looked glamorous. She’s kind of working the “this is actually just a really fancy nightgown” look, but then you see the back and there’s like this insane metal accent that brought a little edge to what could have been a very girly look. Plus her hair + makeup? Perfection. I actually don’t hate Kaley Cuoco‘s white jumpsuit, in fact, this is the type of outfit that works at the Grammys (and only at the Grammys). Plus if I had her abs I would work them into every outfit all the time. I think the messy hair is good for this as well. Sometimes she just looks like she hasn’t discovered dry shampoo yet. Florence Welch is basically wearing an adult version of nightgown that any ’90s girl in her Sailor Moon phase would have coveted. I’m not saying I like it, I’m just saying… it’s a break from all of the black, if nothing else.

Imagination

I mean, I guess you can’t say that these dresses are boring. So if that’s what they’re going for, they’ve succeeded. I know that Bella Hadid is a fashion golden child (I prefer Gigi myself), but I just think she always looks angry/tired/hungry. And in this, she looks cold too. It’s just like an Elvira costume, minus about two yards of fabric. Ciara‘s dress just make me nervous. I have a fear that some prankster is going to reach over and undo that tiny strip of fabric that is holding this whole business together. I sometimes feel like these award shows are providing an acceptable forum for celebs to try and out-slit each other. Forget Angelina’s leg – we’re showing full-fledged pelvic bone up in here. Like where else is there to go? Can we just declare Ciara to be some sort of winner and bring the hemlines back down a smidge (like seriously, it’s just not that interesting anymore). Vanessa Lachey seems to have gone the negative fabric route horizontally instead of vertically, but to me, it really just looks like she accidentally pulled one of her “night out” tops from her closet instead of the dress she intended to reach for. First of all, I cannot believe she is even there. Sure, she is married to a singer, but when was the last time you found yourself hearing a Nick Lachey tune? (If it’s anywhere than on Muzak in a coffee shop somewhere, then I don’t even know you anymore).

Ladies

Okay, so there’s boring black dresses and then there’s just BAD black dresses. I’m always really sad when newbies come to the Grammys and just bite it before they’ve even had a chance to really try. Elle King, you are one of those people. I just want to say I think she is a cool-ass chick, which is why I’m shocked that she went with this aging lounge singer number. The fringe details are horribly placed, culminating with a hem that is a full foot too long for her petite frame. And I know it’s her first time, but can we get Miss Jay up in here for a five minute posing lesson? I actually felt sorry for Meghan Trainor when she won Best New Artist that night because I could not believe that she looked like a forty-five year old woman the night she won her Grammy. Again, what is with these sassy ladies and their inability to showcase their personalities through their clothing? I liked her better when she had those stupid pieces of tulle tied to her head, at least she looked like she was having a good time. Between the dress and the blah hair color (I appreciate the fresh chop though, because those extensions were looking haggard before this) this is just one big bore with a capital B. Now Janelle Monáe actually does have a personality, unfortunately it is not the bellhop/matador/inmate that she seems to be representing here. I miss the suits! Where’s a good cumberbund when you need it? Finally, Tove Lo‘s dress didn’t surprise me since she pretty much looks like this… always, but it’s the Grammys, and this is underwear. Not even like, sexy underwear, but like under your full length funeral gown granny underwear, with a bad shoe.

Suit Up

Okay, I’m not quite sure what to do with these ladies, but they didn’t fit with any of the others so they go together (like rama lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong). The common denominator? Menswear-inspired suits. I know people LOVE Zendaya as like the poster girl for mixing it up and taking fashion risks, but I actually wish she had pushed the boundaries a little further with this. Sure, she’s rocking a mullet in 2016 (if that doesn’t scream “risk” than I don’t know what does), but she’s also got on a very high cut suit jacket with a button up shirt done practically all the way to her throat. I think she looks rather uncomfortable and restricted, and not particularly rock and/or roll. I like the idea of the suit, but this could have easily been done a little cuter. I don’t even feel like there’s anything to say about Lady Gaga. I mean, we get it. We know what you’re doing. Pod people in space know what you’re doing. I am just surprised that everything was so… literal. From the suit to the hair to the performance, it was just like DO YOU GET IT? I’M DAVID BOWIE!!! She gets a pass on this one, but then we’re going to have to send this one to the Haus of Gaga archives, ‘kay? And last but not least, Demi Lovato. Girl BLEW me away with her performance that night (no matter how dumb I thought a Lionel Richie tribute was… lest we forget, he’s still alive). This outfit is kind of everything Zendaya’s isn’t. It’s sexy and there’s lots of accessories, but I don’t know that I’m sold on it yet. It’s a really mature look for her, I might have almost preferred it to be like shorts or something? I swear I had a less slutty version of that skirt for my high school chorus concerts. When I looked at her, all I could think about was this. I also could have done without the extensions – I think her short choppy ‘do is so much cooler and edgier, which this ensemble could have used.

So what did you think overall? Did it seem like there weren’t that many outfits to critique? (Do you think that means they’re onto us?) Truthfully, I was a bit disappointed, but look on the bright side – this means the Oscars are less than two weeks away. Eeeeeeeeeeeee! That is me squealing, in digital form.

Until then,

~L

 Photos: E Online

Golden-frocks: Part 2

Written by Lindsay Scouras

And we’re back! I know that these recaps can be a lot to handle, so it seemed best to take a little breather in between (you can catch up on Part 1 here). But now I’m ready to dive in full force and recap the heck out of the rest of the 2016 Golden Globes, so here we go!

Gold

I’m always down for a little sparkle at these events, but just because you’re shining bright like a diamond doesn’t mean you necessarily have earned a spot in the GG hall of fame. I liked the texture of Brie Larson‘s dress, but the fit was so far off it looked like she was the hanger and the dress was wearing her. It like almost crossed the line of pageantry, but at least a Miss USA contestant would have better posture. When I first saw Regina King‘s dress on television, I thought it was kind of fabulous. Then I saw it in photos. Holy King Triton’s half-mermaid wife. Also she took the whole “capes are in” thing way too literally and actually sported a superhero-style accessory that was just flapping around in the back. Anything that requires ridiculous posing on the red carpet is too much for me. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is pretty much a living and breathing statuette anyways, and in this bronze number she basically upstaged Miss Golden Globe (also the award itself). I just wish the bodice was fitted, or at least fitted enough not to leave that extra flap above the waistband. Not like she really needs help looking any more flawless.

Basic Black

I know it technically never goes out of style, but I am never excited about all black or mostly black ensembles on the red carpet. I just think there’s so many times in your life where it is more appropriate to dress like this, so why not have a little more fun, especially at such a boozy and relaxed event like the Globes (I mean, in comparison with the Oscars and stuff)? If you told me that Julie Louis-Dreyfus pulls this exact same dress out of her closet once a year for this event I wouldn’t fight you on it. It’s like oh my god, black lace – how revolutionary. I am unsure if that’s actually a navy sash (which still doesn’t really make it any more exciting) because the clutch seems to have that tone as well. If it is, I don’t really understand why, and if it’s not… well then it’s just off I guess? I can’t believe I even cared that much to question it. Lady Gaga has really been working the (ugh I cringe even saying this) “old Hollywood glamour” thing and frankly I’m surprised she did so wearing another black dress. I’m glad it at least has an interesting element to it with the extra shape at the hips (also way to make your waist look teeny-tiny). I will say I don’t think it’s the best her face has ever looked, there was something about her makeup that just kind of bugged me. I think she could have looked a little softer to compliment the Marilyn hair and the velvety dress. Amy Schumer gets my “slightly” improved award after showing up at the Emmys last year with unbrushed hair and spilling out of a gown with an ill-fitting top. I just never understand why people with so much personality dress like this. Like she is so fun and interesting, and yet she somehow thought it was a good idea to nab this clearance Jessica McClintock prom dress circa 2002. At least it had pockets, I will give her that. I honestly forgot Sophia Bush was a person until I saw her, which is fine, because this ensemble was completely un-rememberable. That dress looked like it could have been made out of jersey or something – I thought it was a maxi dress that she tried to pass off as formal wear by throwing on a necklace that’s worth more than my college education. The most frustrating part had to be her stubby baby ponytail in the back. I’m not knocking the short hair – in fact my ponytail looks very similar right now – but it is not formal event hair. You can throw on as many diamond chokers as you want, it still looks like you’re going to the gym.

Green

If blue was the big color of the night, emerald was like its “should you not be able to fulfill your duties” first runner up. There were only a few gowns, but with such a bold shade, even just two celebs wearing the same hue looks like a trend (not to mention, all of the jade-colored jewelry). Jada Pinkett-Smith looked nice in this flowing green number – I liked that it was a little out of character for her and not so structured. However I don’t think those extra shoulder flaps were at all necessary (it borders on costume-y) and matching shoes are like the the least fashion-forward thing that has ever happened. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were Dyeables (shudder). Heidi Klum has been showing up on red carpets looking all kinds of crazy lately (remember the Big Bird/ice capade number from the Emmys?), but I actually thought this fun fringe wasn’t all that bad on her. It definitely added a little extra weight kind of all over and the band placement was possibly a little off, but I don’t hate it. Now her hair, on the other hand… I sort of didn’t know who Jaimie Alexander was (definitely thought she was the woman from Outlander at first) until I realized she’s the girl in the bag with the tattoos (if you watched NBC from July to October for even five minutes, you know what I’m talking about). She definitely made an impression in this very dramatic gown, but the damsel-in-distress pose that is meant to strategically show off her billion dollar ring was just too damn much. You are not going to get a nomination for best dramatic entrance on the red carpet, so just cool your jets, okay? I personally found the pattern a little distracting, but she has a small enough chest that she could get away with that plunging V and the color overall worked with her pale skin and jet black hair.

Midnight Train

I know that Bryce Dallas Howard is now supposed to be regarded as a champion of women everywhere for speaking out agains the unfair standards of the fashion industry when it comes to their itsy bitsy sample sizing, but I’m sorry – this dress itself was nothing to write home about. I thought the shiny texture was interesting but the lace coverup took it straight past her age bracket and right into Mirren territory (who is fabulous, but also, seventy). Also lest we remind ourselves that girlfriend still walked into Neiman’s and dropped $4800 on a dress, so it’s not like she exactly a spokesperson for the everywoman. I always want so much more for Melissa McCarthy, but this ensemble was so shiny and trash-bag like (and with such bad sleeves! ugggghhh), it’s like, what hope can we have for her?! Counterpoint: her hair and makeup were flawless. I dare say I don’t think her hair has ever looked better. So there, I said something nice. Kate Winslet looked pretty, but let’s be real – she has worn this at least six other times already, amirite? If you saw her face when she won the award, you could tell that she did not see this one coming. I think she was trying to fly under the radar this year because she can’t step within a twenty-mile radius of Leonardo DiCaprio without people losing their minds, and she thought “I’ll just wear this safe, simple navy number and crouch behind Harvey Weinstein, nbd.” Sorry, sister. You won, and then we all had to suffer through your weird side bun thing together (which I will refer to moving forward as a “hair tumor”). Julianne Moore is another one that I felt like people were sucking up to last year because she was so clearly going to win that everyone had to pretend that everything she wore was the word and those who dare to argue against it were cast into an eternal hell of polyster and fluorescent lighting (no? Just me?). Well I thought her style was just so-so last year and I stand by it in 2016. She looked like one of those Avatar cat people out for a night on the town. And I’m sorry, but she and Kate Hudson can take those choker things and give them the heave ho back to 1992 where they belong.

Identity Crisis

Ugh more black. At least they tried, what with all the cleavage and sparkles and stuff. I was totally sad about Uzo Aduba‘s sparkly yet drab frock (who even knew that was possible?). It actually reminded me of the number that Whoopi wears in Sister Act when she returns to the stage as a jazzy nun. The sleeves were nothing short of awful and I actually missed the days when she wore a million tiny buns on her head and you could see her face. You’re better than this, Crazy Eyes! As for Rachel McAdams, all I’m saying is if I knew my super-hot ex who now has a baby with another woman was going to be seated so close to me in the same room, I would have made more of an effort to rub in how hot I obviously still was as well. Giant old lady flowers doesn’t really do the trick (but then again, he did love her even when she wore pink streaks in her hair and and a mini dress on the red carpet). My point is she is young and gorgeous and this is just way to old for her. Kirsten Dunst and her… globes were totally out to play on Sunday night, and I’m still not sure how I feel about this one. She was definitely channeling her Interview with a Vampire days with the super-pale skin and black velvet, but also reminded us that she is way grown up and also, would you like to see her breasts? I know that there were a lot of plunging necklines that evening, but they were all on super flat-chested women which I think is what keeps it from almost looking…dare I say, vulgar? Also those little strappies were certainly not pulling their weight, pretending like they were being all supportive. I’m on to you. When I woke up yesterday morning and was compiling my event photos, I actually thought to myself that there was no trace of Taylor Schilling. Well the joke was on me, because she was there and she looked a mess. I am all for menswear on women, but it’s such a tricky thing that the tailoring has to be impeccable. The pant length was wrong, the jacket looked like she borrowed it from her dad (if her dad was Liberace), and her hair looked dirty and not in a cool, edgy way.

White

I don’t know if white is considered a “trend” or if it’s just a color that goes with everything so every year, without fail, it shows up in droves on the red carpet. All day, all anyone talked about was the new “it” girl Alicia Vikander and how she’s probably going to win the Oscar (depending on what category she’s nominated in) and how she’s having such a moment right now and that everyone wants to dress her. Well I don’t know who came up with this white pinafore-looking thing, but I know that Samantha Parkington’s birthday dress is incomplete without it. You can’t tell in this photo, but she was straddling the line of appropriate side boob coverage all night. This dress is meant for a super formal (and super boring) garden party, not your first major red carpet event. Eva Longoria is working every angle she can right now promoting her new NBC sitcom, and I think that hustling continued right into her Globes gown. Unfortunately for her, like a telenovela, there was a lot going on and it was all distracting. Like why does there need to be two bows? And what woman (no matter how tiny) wants all that attention on the hip area? (Bonus points for the best damn smoky eyes I’ve ever seen.) Taraji P. Henson went the total opposite route with something simple I was actually worried that the spirit of Cookie had left her body… that is, until I saw her posing. I think even Tyra would agree that there is almost too much smizing happening here. Like she is bringing it so hard and trying to be so fierce that she almost looks kind of crazy, no? Her choppy bob is giving me life, tho. Saoirse Ronan is another young ingenue who did the red carpet thing already at the same time as navigating puberty, so by age twenty-one she’s already the epitome of class and grace at an event like this. I don’t think there was technically anything awe-inspiring about it, but you know she’s not going to end up on any worst-dressed lists. Another one who might need a Miss Jay lesson in posing is Lily James. It almost looked as if the gathered sheer panels were pulling her shoulders in awkward directions. Theoretically, she looks good, although I think she was actually wearing too much makeup when the rest of her look was so soft (and what are we calling that hair color, I mean, really?).

Wine

Another mini-trending color of the evening was merlot, which sometimes I think can be a nice alternative to a vibrant red (but can also tend to skew a little old). That’s the main issue I had with Zendaya. I think the dress was architecturally stunning but way too mature for her (and also, ill-fitting – I kept hoping a tailor would pop out of the shadows to nip in her entire right side immediately). I could see this on a Diane Kreuger or someone equally fashion-minded. Amber Heard sported a more subdued shade but looked no less serious about… well everything, like a doll that will be trapped in that pose for all eternity. That dress looked like it used to be white and then she fell in the grape stomping bin in an I Love Lucy episode. At least it fanned out nicely. Finally, Olivia Wilde had the whole “right color, wrong execution” thing going on in this slinky number. I don’t know what it is about this dress, I just cannot put my finger on it. It’s a little Vegas lounge singer-esque, and I thought the choker was absolutely terrible and completely wrong with the neckline of the dress. Plus her boyfriend was wearing sneakers so I immediately deducted points from her for her support of that decision.

So who were your favorites? Sound off in the comments, and please: don’t hold back. You know I never do.

~L

All photos courtesy of PopSugar.

Golden-frocks: Part I

Written by Lindsay Scouras

Welcome back, party people! Anyone else feel like the Golden Globes were perfectly-timed this year? It took me pretty much all of last week to get back on track after being away for the holidays, and having an award show to look forward to on Sunday night kept me on target for unpacking, getting organized, and coming back to the blog just in time for award season to pick up. It was my first-time ever hosting a small gathering at my place to watch the festivities, which many of you know is not normally how I spend my award show evenings.

I was a little stressed about trying to get our apartment ready for human occupancy (we moved in finally in November but have been taking our sweet time putting everything together), keeping up with my live Facebook and Twitter updates, and of course, enjoying the actual show itself. Thankfully, I had my number one live-in personal chef to help me, and in just one day we organized our lives (i.e. strategically hid all of our crap) and put together a party platter that rivals whatever Wolfgang Puck prepared for the drunkards at the Globes.

GG Collage

Award show essentials: Laptop, festive cocktail napkins, paper straws, and of course, mini bubbles.

Steve offered to put together a charcuterie platter for our friends, which despite all of his actual cooking abilities, is one of my favorite “meals” that he does.

Party Platter copy

I mean, c’mon.

But enough about that, let’s get to the really good stuff! (And I’m not just talking about cheese.) Fashion!

As usual, we start with the best.

Blue-tiful

Anyone else see midnight blue coming? Cause I sure didn’t. This shade just screams evening glamour, and these ladies did it right. Viola Davis looked like a starry, starry night in this gorgeous and age appropriate (she rocked some sleeves but a little cleavage kept the top from looking dowdy). I loved how the jewels faded from the bodice down the length of the dress. Gina Rodriguez was the first celeb I saw hit the carpet, and it was obvious that as last year’s surprise winner she now has her pick of the litter when it comes to stylists, gowns, hair and makeup teams, the works. This is a gown that you could look at in twenty years and it will still stand the test of time. As half of the world’s hottest celebrity couple, Jenna Dewan Tatum absolutely shined (especially next to Channing’s hair, oof). It’s kind of like the younger version of Viola’s gown. I wonder if these two ever ran into each other last night and stared stealthily across the room muttering “bitch stole my look” under their breath. Both of them seem pretty classy, so I’m guessing no, but hey, a girl can dream.

Color Crushing

Amy Adams looked so relaxed last night, probably because she didn’t have the worry of being nominated and not winning again (seriously, she is the female Leonardo DiCaprio). She defies the ridiculous stereotype that redheads can’t wear red, in fact I think this is one of the best auburn shades she’s sported in quite some time. Who ever knew that the color of rust could be so flattering? I’m not sure why Kate Bosworth was there but I’m so glad she came to win in the glittery pink number, looking ten times better than most of the people who actually had a purpose for being at the event. I just wish her hair weren’t so severe all the time. She’s so tiny, and she suffers from a self-inflicting bobblehead syndrome constantly with her tightly wound ‘dos. I know that red on the red carpet could be considered overdone at this point, but come on – Emmy Rossum looked flawless. Like so elegant and poised, well beyond her years. And that necklace. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. There was quite a bit of extra fabric there at the bottom, but I’m giving her a complete pass because, hot damn.

The Rest

I don’t mind repeat outfits if someone knows what works really well for them and sticks with it (with the exception of J.Lo, because by now she has to have cornered the market on nearly naked sparkly illusion dresses). I think Laverne Cox knows she looks bangin’ in white, so she keeps wearing white, and I’m okay with it. Her green accessories were super on-trend as we saw throughout the evening, but if I had to say anything about this look (and you know I have to) then I’m going to ask for a slightly less goth lip. She looked so ethereal and goddess-like and the deep crimson kind of broke it up for me. Malin Ackerman completely surprised me because I saw her on the red carpet for all of four seconds and then I don’t remember ever seeing her again the rest of the evening. This icy pale blue gown made her look like Elsa’s much more sophisticated older sister and I can’t let it go. I would however like to hack off about two feet of fabric from the bottom of that dress that is literally folded in half above her feet. I do not ever understand while celebrities that have money and teams at their fingertips don’t just get their dresses tailored. It’s literally mind-blowing. Speaking of seeing stars, my fashion prayers have finally been answered and in a miraculous feat performed by God himself  Jennifer Lopez opted to coverup both her butt and her boobs at the same time. Don’t get me rock, girl is gorgeous and we should carve her some sort of monument so we can celebrate her body every damn day, but frankly, I was beginning to think she was looking a little bit desperate from being so revealing all the time. I think that’s all well and good for performing and things like that, but this look from last night is exactly what I’ve been wanting to see from her. She looked classy, but with a slight edge. That hair was so fresh and the jewels are absolutely on point, full J.Lo glamour-style. The Angelina leg was a little intense and I’m kind of worried about her ankles, but you know that she probably had slit cut even higher because for all we know, she suffers from a yet-unknown condition where as much of her body has to be exposed as possible, or she suffocates and dies. And finally, the Queen (as in Latifah) discovered what is truly the best color she has ever worn. I think she should throw out her entire wardrobe and buy all new clothes only in this color (including pajamas, underwear, sneakers, you name it). I don’t think she’s ever looked better. I have literally nothing else to say because that is just like, it. Done, mic drop, we can all go home now.

Just kidding. There’s more fun to be had here!

Complimentary

I love when people just go for it as far as color is concerned on the red carpet. Life is short! You can wear black dresses for the rest of eternity. If anyone is up for a good time, it’s obviously Jennifer Lawrence. Hollywood’s BFF has to eat, sleep, breathe and crap Dior for the foreseeable future, so we’re only going to see so much variety for her in the next few years. I was glad to see her in something more structured than that bed sheet she rolled around in last year. She was channeling Charlize Theron in a way I think (also a Dior muse, what a coincidence). Everything is very structured and angular, it sort of makes me think this is what people in the 1960s thought humans would be wearing in 2016. I think I liked this outfit overall (the necklace gets all the points) but it’s a tad severe and I would really love to see some schematics of what is going on underneath that flap to keep everything in place, cause Lord knows, she’s a tripper. I don’t know if Jennifer Lopez is pissed that America Ferrera is in almost the same shade of mustard that she is (because what are the odds that like all two of the three Latina actresses at this thing would show up in the same color?) but I hate to say… I think J.Lo wins this one. America looked pretty and all, but her top was lacking in structure and her hair was real boring. Another dullish hairdo belonged to Joanne Froggatt, but her muted lavender gown may have made up for it by being the only shade of it’s kind on the carpet that evening. I’m not crazy about those “we’re not even pretending to hide this” illusion panels, but in general she looked pretty and floaty and British so we’ll call this one a win.

Pink Blah

I know that “rose quartz” is one of the Pantone colors of the year for 2016, but just because a color is in, doesn’t mean that everyone deserves to wear it. It’s a tough shade, and I don’t think these particular hues did these ladies any favors last night. Leslie Mann was killing me from head-to-toe in the worst way. If it wasn’t the too-big top, then it was the seaweed-looking doodads traveling south of her waist. Let’s not forget another hideous choker (seriously… why so many that evening?). I have gotten into actual arguments with people in the past about Cate Blanchett, because I think I may be the only person in the world that just does not care about her. I get that she’s never going to show up looking like Beyonce or something, and that she’s all about wearable art or whatever, but c’mon: this was a dress made out of pink hair, am I right? Like I thought it was fringe but the more I saw it move on television, I’m thinking that there is a bald unicorn running around somewhere. Katy Perry surprised me in more ways than one. Not only does she literally have no reason to be there, but she was seated at the front table last night. We’re talking miles beyond Leo and J.Law and actual actors from television and movies. I heard she got a new stylist for this event and was all excited about trying something new. I hate to say it, but I miss the days when she wore beach ball bikini tops and her date was Left Shark. She looked like a cross between a Fem-bot from Austin Powers and Elvira of Halloween beer commercial fame. And don’t get me started on the Bump-It. I think the “least improved” award had to go to Kate Hudson. She has looked flawless at the last few Golden Globes ceremonies (her white cage dress last year was basically a feat of architectural genius), so for her to show up in this was beyond a disappointment. Actually, I was kind of outraged. Like, how could you do this to us? How could you wear a sequined peach racer-back dress complete with a choker, crop top and skirt that are secretly connected? Don’t you love us, Kate? Do you want us to be happy?!

Worst

I think the entire fashion industry and every Pinterest user let out a collective gasp when they saw this hideous art project that Olivia Palermo showed up in. Fashionistas everywhere were personally offended that their icon had fallen so far from grace. For starters, she looks as wide as a house, which is the complete opposite of everything about her body in real life. Also this has to be one of the worst color combinations that has ever existed. Throw in a bad choker and you have one steaming pile of ick. Jane Fonda reminded me of one of those scary porcelain clowns that you get as a gift from your great aunt and even though it terrified you, your mom made you keep it on a shelf in your bedroom until you were sixteen years old. If I have to say something nice… well whatever was underneath the four layers of toilet paper fit very well. Also her earrings were bomb. Natalie Dormer thoroughly disappointed me because I think of her as being kind of cool and edgy and this dress was neither of those things. The dress was actually kind of marmy on it’s own (I could see a much older woman wearing it) but then they added this weird bracket and it looked like she was wearing an old-school bedazzled back brace. Does anyone else think that Rooney Mara and Debbie Downer are long lost siblings? I just imagine being at a party and everyone is having a good time and then Rooney walks in and it goes silent, like the fun has just been sucked out of the room. This is literally a shredded nude bodystocking. It’s a more formal version of Kanye’s garbage Adidas “line” that was comprised solely of undergarments. You can’t see it in this photo, but the live footage of her getting out of the limo with a giant mohawk braid on the back of her head just about killed me.

This may be all of the excitement I can handle for tonight. Tune in tomorrow when we continue with the fashion f yeahs and the faux pas of the 2016 Golden Globes! Until then,

~L

All photos courtesy of PopSugar.

Grammy Said Knock You Out

Written by Lindsay Scouras

I have to admit, the Grammys aren’t one of my favorite award shows as far as style is concerned. It’s definitely the most relaxed of all the “big” awards, which means that a whole bunch of people show up dressed like assholes. The Grammys apparently thought they were one step ahead of everyone by sending out a serious “memo” about what celebs should and shouldn’t wear, which it’s clear that everyone promptly laughed at and threw away, or just didn’t read at all. I think the fact that they even felt that it was necessary to send out a list of such fashion constraints shows the level of class we’re talking about here. None of this shiz would ever go down with The Academy.

But I digress. We still need to talk about these hot musical messes.

After digging through all the photos, I was only able to pick out two stars that I felt were appropriately dressed/looked amazing/didn’t embarrass themselves:

I usually don’t care for Rihanna, because let’s face it- girl makes crazy stupid decisions, from her romantic life to her clothes to the sheer amount of naked photos she has on Instagram. I’m sorry, I know the world loves her, I get that every single one of her songs have hit number one, she’s so edgy, blah blah blah. It kills me every week how my beloved Fashion Police do nothing but sing her praises when it comes to style- whether she is wearing a trench coat and nothing else or if she’s rocking 90’s acid washed cutoffs. No thanks. But I was pleasantly surprised when she showed up on the carpet rocking this gorgeous flowing number because I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at her and thought she was classy. Of course, she couldn’t go for it all the way, and just had to have a completely sheer top. It’s safe to say I’ve seen enough of Rihanna’s nipples, and I think the rest of the world has too. Solange gets the majority of her coolness quotient by way of proximity. I mean she is Bey’s little sis and spent her Grammy evening in the front row, knocking back flutes of champagne with bro-in-law Jay-Z. Normally she’s dresses a little nutty for me, but I thought this emerald gown was so beautiful on her. I’m totally jealous of people that can rock the color of the year, because green is most certainly not, nor has ever been, my color. She quirked it up a bit with her choice of shoe color and her signature ‘fro, which I adore on her.

Taylor Swift’s dress would be okay if she hadn’t added that stupid silver t-strap in the front. It reminds my of those old metal back braces that kids with scoliosis had to wear back in the day (all I can think when I look at this is “Kristy Masters stuck magnets to your back…”). And I’m sorry, I cannot get behind the milkmaid braid, no matter how trendy it is. I know that I had specifically called out Adele for being amazing at everything except for dressing herself. She always wears something black and boring. Well now I wish that she had just thrown on another raven frock. I mean, how many of Mrs. Roper’s dresses had to die to make this number? I’m glad that she finally accented her waist instead of wearing something shapeless. The clashing print on the shoe is offending my eyeballs, though. Adele, please please PLEASE redeem yourself at the Oscars, I beg of you. I cannot believe Beyonce had the nerve to do this to us after showering us in amazingness at the Superbowl. I mean, what the eff. When I look at this, I feel anger inside. I mean, it’s music’s biggest night and you show up in yoga pants. FOR SHAME, Bey. For shame.

Does anyone else look at this dress on Jennifer Lopez and just think “desperate?” We get it, J.Lo- you’re sexy. You’ve got the young (possibly homosexual) boyfriend, the gorgeous bod, and a decent career despite a few crap rom coms. So why does she have to try so hard? This dress has all the sex appeal of a Hefty bag, minus the crazy leg slit (which we have seen before, no? It’s not like this is a groundbreaking moment in fashion here). I.am.so.bored. Also I’m going to need some more fullness from her topknot. It looks like a weird little growth on her head. It’s called a sock bun, Jenny. Own it. Hi, I’m Katy Perry, and these are my breasts. No really, how can you ever expect anyone to take you seriously (or look you in the eyes) when you’ve got these bazongas on display? I don’t knock her for having curves- I just feel like this dress is like a car accident. You know you shouldn’t look, but you can’t stop staring. Also there’s no hairstyle I despise more than a middle part with NOTHING HAPPENING at the bottom. Although maybe she just gave up because she knew nobody would be looking at her hair anyway. I was completely disappointed with this whole Easter Elvira look. I can’t say anything bad about Kelly Rowland except for I’m concerned for her. I mean even the smallest movement could have resulted in a wardrobe malfunction. I think her bangs are banging, not to mention her body is too. But damn girl, those are a lot of cutouts. I know you’ve spent many years backing up Beyonce, but it’s like she’s wearing a sign that says “LOOK AT ME!” with an arrow on it. And that arrow is pointing to her vagina.

 

Alicia Keys has certainly come a long way from those cornrows with all the beads, hasn’t she? I don’t really have anything specific to say about this one. I think she looks… fine. Except the top of her dress looks like it came from a handbag. I never quite know what to think of Carrie Underwood’s style. Obviously she’s gorgeous and has never had a bad hair day, but I think she just misses the mark sometimes. This dress looks like something a woman twice her age would wear. I think the necklace ages her too, which is crazy, because Jessica Alba wore a similar necklace to the Golden Globes and I was obsessed with it. It just didn’t work this time. I also think she has too much hair for this look. She could do without about half of those extensions and slightly less bangs in the front. Plus she was missing her best accessory- her hockey husband, Mike Fisher. Oh, Carly Rae Jepsen. What are you even doing here? I mean yes, theoretically, she was nominated and everything. But did anyone think that “Call Me Maybe” would last beyond summer twenty twelve? I feel like she was styled by the costumer from Dynasty or something. From the blue eyeshadow to the bangs to the too old for her gown (although it turns out she’s like twenty seven and not seventeen as I had once thought), there is just a heaviness to this look that doesn’t really work for her. I actually really like Janelle Monae’s look. I love that she has a signature thing- the fitted, feminine tuxedo- and it works for her. And I do appreciate when people try to evolve their personal style. But there had to be another way to do this other than to become a matador. I actually wouldn’t even mind the jacket on it’s own without the tails and the ridiculous hat. And I think a pointy spiky heel would have worked way better than this open-toed shoe.

Let me just say right now what everyone is thinking. What the hell is Ashanti doing at the Grammys this year? And why is she wearing a gown featuring a floral motif but also bat wings? I can’t describe this look as anything other than… stupid. Florence Welch is known for being out there when it comes to her personal style. Usually it’s some unflattering florals or a weird headband or something. Spiky scales are a whole new ball game. I don’t care what you say about her as an artist, she looks positively reptilian and it’s horrible. The color is great for her though. If you wonder how I feel about pants at award shows, please see Beyonce commentary above. Kaley Cuoco is one of the worst dressers out there today. She just never gets it right on the red carpet. This is the GRAMMYS- you’re not just hitting up a club. And my hands down worst of the entire evening is of course, Kimbra. I think the thing that makes it so awful is that it has elements that I like, but the execution sucks. If this has been an actual skirt instead of poorly placed tulle Kleenexes, it may have worked. And I have two words for you: curled bangs. Have you ever heard a more devastating statement?

So that’s it for “music’s biggest night” (which L.L. reaffirmed about seven thousand times). And all I can say is… bring on the Oscars.

See you then, kids!

~L