My Impossible Dream: The End of the Olympics
Okay, I know I’m a little behind on this one, but the Olympics is finally over. And may I say, thank you, Baby Jesus. I know that this is the one time every two years that we take a break from chastising everything that is wrong with America and find solidarity by way of Spandex and sweat, but frankly, keeping up with this is exhausting.
For starters, every citizen of the great US of A is well aware that NBC could not get their heads out of their asses with their showing of the games. Yes, I know nothing about television production. Yes, I understand that there is a very inconvenient time difference between us and merry ole England. But other than just blatantly giving away the recipients of gold medals prior to the airing of their event, I had to listen to my husband shouting at the television as if he was directly hooked up to the NBC controllers via blue tooth. Things like: “okay, we have just watched seven different forms of track races and NO ONE is paying attention to the POLE VAULTING going on in the background!!! Hello?!?!?!” or “I don’t give two craps about (athlete’s name here) personal life, SHOW US THE DAMN GAMES!!!” Which is ironic, because those Bob Costas back stories about the athlete’s daily carb intake featuring videos of them as forcibly trained babies were about the only thing that kept my interest during this seventeen day everysportathon.
Of course, I’m still me, so I couldn’t help but treat this event as almost like an award show. I mean these people were the closest thing I had to celebrities all week because my DVR was conveniently too full to capture any form of Bravo programming (further exacerbated by the fact that my go to channel crossed over to the other side and aired half of the games themselves- don’t they know what treason that is for a gay network?!).
So I have to decided to give out my own personal Lindsay’s Look statuettes: Olympic Edition. Most of them are negative so this is one case where winning isn’t really winning. Oh also, none of this has anything to do with athletic ability or talent. We’re talking about stuff that really matters. Like hair clips.
Worst Hair (Gold Medal):
USA Gymnastics Team
I know I am going to get hate mail for even putting these girls in the same sentence as the word “worst,” but there, I said it. I’m sorry, I just could not get over the sheer lack of effort here. I mean you train your whole life (like, all seventeen years of it) for this moment and glory, and that is what you do to your hair?! That is how my hair looks for ten minutes at the end of the day when I am washing my face, and my husband still makes fun of me and how ridiculous I look. I expect scrunchies from other non-fashion forward countries but this is America. We invented sock buns. Well, probably not considering the girl I learned it from on YouTube seems pretty Russian. And don’t get it twisted- this has nothing to do with Hairgate 2012 because a.) I know nothing about African American hair, and b.) who the hell cares about the front of her hair and whether it was relaxed/straightened/gelled/hermetically sealed, because how was anyone able to look past the haphazard half bun that she and all her teammates were sporting in the back?! They were bouncing around all floppy and totally distracted from their performances in my eyes, which is really all that matters, because well, these are my awards. I call for something slick and secure for Rio 2016!
Worst Hair (Silver Medal):
So in this case, getting the silver medal is actually a good thing because you don’t want to get a gold medal for being the worst at something. Get it? Side note: I think I have a future as an Olympic judge. You know, when it comes to the important things like an athlete’s physical appearance or victory dances. So the thing that kept Russia from eating it in the hair category was the fact that at least the girls had some neat, normal ponytails going on. But the glitter. Oh, the glitter. And scrunchies. And those metal snappy clips. It’s like everything I wish I could forget about my 90’s childhood. Maybe Russia is so far behind with their time zones that it’s actually just now 1996 there. Other than that, I really can’t explain a need for any of this.
So for all you haters that say that I’m being so mean to those poor teenage gymnasts, they’re so talented and flying off bars, how are they supposed to make their hair look good, wah wah wah, check out this lady. She friggen ran like fifty miles an hour with a flower in hair and it stayed. So I don’t want to hear that a girl swinging on an uneven bar couldn’t have made just a little more effort. Yes, Alysia came in fifth, but hey- at least she has a memorable signature. I mean, I remembered who she was, so that has to count for something, right?
Most Adorable Athletic Enthusiasts:
Will & Kate
I mean, c’mon, could these two be any cuter? Well maybe, if it weren’t for William’s receding hairline. But still, cuteness city. If there was ever a time that people were calling for these two to procreate, it was this moment when they were watching tennis or handball (whatever that is) or something. They probably could have conceived a child right there and they would have received a standing ovation from the crowd. Though it probably helps when you own the country. Although do you hate her a little bit for make a white polo look so good? No? Just me? Okay.
Second Most Adorable Athletic Enthusiasts:
David Beckham & a child that is not Harper
Ohemgee-this-is-like-all-the-puppies-and-kittens-in-the-world-and-that-fabric-softener-bear-cuteness-rolled-into-one. Who knew Becks was such a doting father? Although I guess someone in that family has to be the affectionate one. We all know that’s not exactly Posh’s strong suit.
Best Meme (Gold Medal):
The Queen (Remixed)
I can’t believe I didn’t think of this. Literally while watching the open ceremonies Steve was counting all the countries that had flags featuring the Union Jack. When I showed him this, he yelled “we could have been rich!!!” and cried a little.
Best Meme (Silver Medal):
McKayla Maroney is Not Impressed
I love that she made this face while excepting her silver medal. As the sister of a pageant queen, I know that first runner up really means first loser. That face should be the poster for the term first loser. Okay, obviously I know she’s not actually a loser, I mean she clearly also has a gold medal and I don’t no matter how much jewelry I acquire. But this reminds me of at award shows how all the nominees that don’t win are expected to clap politely and be pretend happy for the actual winner. This bitch is not pretending. She’s downright pissed and she doesn’t care who knows it. I sort of like her more for it.
All of These People
As if the Olympian’s bodies were hard enough to stare at for two weeks and not feel like a complete and utter failure, England showcased their most well known export- stick figures that could walk for days. But seriously, how fierce is this all ages living model montage? I literally gasped when they popped out from behind those billboards of themselves. I would wear every single thing that each of them is wearing. Even the guy’s gold suit. And the headdress. Together.
Face Dress Sign Holder Girls
I’m serious, this may go down as one of my top worst dressed people ever. I mean she’s like above Gwyneth in that goth wife beater gown but below anything Helena Bonham Carter wears (hey, where was she? She’s British and weird. Would have fit right in at Opening Ceremonies). It’s bad enough there was one of these dresses, but in fact there was one for every country. Apparently they were made to represent the faces of all the volunteers for the ceremony? I’m sorry, I would have rather received a nice fruit basket. Everything about this is wrong- the shape, the shoes, the sleeves. Blech. This makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. At least she figured out how to do a good bun!
Olympics go Gaga? Yawn. Is nothing original?
Second Biggest Trend:
Okay, I take back what I said about (certain) athletes. Both the men and women were very on trend with most of them sporting an assortment of neon shaded sneaks. I am very impressed… some one has been reading InStyle…
Ed. note: Apparently Nike makes these shoes in these colors because your eyes are drawn to them and you want to buy them. Also they’re technically meant for function so I take back what I said about these runners being so stylish.
Every New NBC Show
Dear God, NBC. Please. I get that now is like make it or break it time for advertising, but frankly, I am no longer interested in any of your upcoming fall shows. Revolution is clearly a movie that J.J. Abrams convinced someone to stretch into a series, Go On is another chance for Chandler to redeem himself after Studio 60, and I just don’t care for shows or movies where a primate is one of the principal cast members. But of course I will watch The New Normal because it’s from Ryan Murphy and I love Glee and anything Glee adjacent.
Greatest Spice Girl Reunion Moment:
Um, ALL OF THEM! But Especially This-
I basically only came around to being okay with this whole Olympics taking over our lives thing because I heard the Spice Girls were reuniting for the Closing Ceremonies, which is why it really sucked that it took us so long to get there. I have loved Sporty, Scary, Baby, Posh and Ginger (she was my favorite!) since I was eleven when I caught their first ever American television performance on SNL. I had a VHS tape that I recorded anytime they appeared on TV. I cried when my parent’s wouldn’t drive me and my friends to the opening of Spiceworld at the local movie theatre because there was some stupid snowstorm and they were “worried for our safety.” I also cried when we worked diligently on our lip sync version of “Wannabe” and were not accepted into the West Running Brook talent show because we were in sixth grade and the eighth graders wanted to do it too. I also cried and held a candlelight vigil (for one, obviously) in my bedroom when Ginger left the group. So you could say I’m a life long fan. I kick myself every time I hear about them doing something because I can’t believe I didn’t get it together to go to their reunion tour. So help me, if this musical gets off the ground and comes to the States I AM GOING.
Most Horrific Spice Girl Reunion Moment:
We Almost Lost Posh!
I mean, she’s no one’s favorite, and it would leave Becks as a single man, but oh the horror when she almost flew off that Mini Cooper!
Photos courtesy of Yahoo, USA Today, Style Blueprint, Gizmodo, IMDB, ABC News, Imgur, Nick Verreos’ blog. Don’t bother suing me, unless you accept payment in the currency of things that cost less than $10 from Forever 21.