It was only a few days ago that I thought to myself, “man, I haven’t written ANYTHING celebrity-related in forever.” It was crazy to think because that’s what actually got me started with this whole blogging thing. I don’t know what it is exactly, but none of my Hollywood standbys have been inspiring me as of late. I mean seriously- can you handle one more piece of news from the Kardashians? (By the way, Kendall & Kylie are writing a book. Society- you’re welcome.)
That is, until today.
Today started as normal days often do. My friend Hannah and her boyfriend Mike stayed with us last night en route to a wedding. After seeing them off this morning, I debated washing the dishes from the delicious meal that Steve just happen to whip together last night for the four of us. I also thought about making my bed. I know the suspense is killing you, but you’ll be shocked to hear I didn’t do either of those things because for like the third day this week I fell victim to those damn Retro MTV Laguna Beach marathons. I don’t know what I’m going to do- it’s the 4th of July and Hills week begins. It’s basically like Sophie’s Choice.
Finally I got it together and got ready for work. After I got there, I went straight out to the floor because we were relatively busy. As I do every Friday at 2:30, I bolted back to my desk to print my schedule by 3:00. In a quick distracted moment, I glanced at my phone and discovered this:
|the scalera women always have their priorities in check
There is was, in black and white. And from my own mother. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing after five years and one adorable alien baby together. And by divorcing, I mean Katie waited until he went to friggen Iceland and filed divorce papers without his knowledge.
I have only a handful of skills, and most of them are unhelpful. Alerting the general public about the goings on of celebrities and their relationships is one of the things that brings me joy in life. And my real job is getting in the way of the fake job that I have created in my head.
I was on my way to work when Amy Winehouse died. I had to be informed via text message by my coworker Jaimie. I literally had to pull over to compose a Facebook status. I was like the third person on my News Feed to do so. It was devastating. I was also at work the night Whitney Houston died. My coworker Becky had to call it out over the walkie. I was also at work when Michael Jackson died, which I heard from someone who worked in the bistro. I was mortified.
Okay, I just realized that all of those instances involved death. Maybe my working is bad luck for famous people… who are also drug addicts.
Thankfully, Halloween is my favorite holiday and I smartly took the day off even though it was a Monday. And good thing I did, because who goes and gets herself divorced? Kim Freaking Kardashian, that’s who. And within an hour, it was blogged. BAM!
So here I was, at work, in the height of a rush on the sales floor and also drowning in my own procrastination, faced with what has the potential to be the biggest scandal of 2012. In a moment of panic, I decided to give myself permission one minute to compose a status. Unfortunately, in the process of sharing the Us Weekly link, I discovered Adele was PREGNANT. Like, with a child. And there was no time. I was literally staring down the clock. Why do bad things always happen to me?!
I hit “print” and ran to the printer. RAN. For someone who engages in little to no athletic activity, I was lucky that I wore my Puma flats that day. The traction really helped when I was taking the corners around the break room. To which I was greeted by fits of giggles from my coworkers who had just discovered my status. I quickly made thirteen copies of my schedule, threw them in everyone’s mailboxes, and hightailed it back around the break room to get back to my desk. Then I took on the daunting task of telling EVERYONE.
It’s a difficult life I lead, but someone has to do it.
After the initial high wore off, I started to really think about the bomb that had dropped. I feel like we all forgot that a mere seven years ago, this crazy “love” story began. Remember what a joke these two were at the start? Their relationship was accused of every weird celebrity conspiracy theory in the book- promoting their summer blockbusters (Batman Begins & War of the Worlds), concealing Cruise’s sexuality (whatever that is), brainwashing, etc. Basically everything except love. And then out of nowhere, Katie’s pregnant with what could be a Beyonce-style faux belly pad and then no one saw the baby FOR FIVE MONTHS. Then when everyone did finally get a look at her, they were bombarded with a twenty-two page spread. Oh, and it just happened to be shot by Annie Leibovitz.
|who would have thought that hairy little
girl would become the most fashionable
kid in the world?!
I think that is the thing that seemed so sketchy about this relationship. Everything was done in excess. When they first went public with their relationship in the summer of 2005, they weren’t just spotted leaving a restaurant together or something normal, they went on a European publicity tour and made out on every red carpet they encountered. People were like “hey, we didn’t even know you guys were dating… and isn’t she engaged to on of the Pie guys?” and they were all like “we’re obsessed with each other slobber slobber slobber.” When asked how he felt about Katie, Tom responded by scaring the crap out of Oprah and essentially ruining her couch. When they finally got married, they did so at a star studded event at a castle in Rome. When Tom spoke about his much scrutinized belief in Scientology, he verbally assaulted Matt Lauer on the Today show and then focused his attention on being horrible to pregnant women suffering from post-partum. The whole things was.just.crazy.
And then they stayed married for a year. And then another year. Suri grew up and quickly became the most famous tot in Hollywood (and to think, I thought it was going to be Shiloh? I mean, who knew?!). After a while, people seem like they just got used to them. And I don’t know if their PR people finally talked Tom off the ledge or they weened Katie off whatever meds she was forced on in ’05, but the two of them together started to make sense, or at least it stopped being ridiculous and offensive.
Until today. Of course we know nothing yet, but as they always do, details have to come out. I’m just counting down the days until an Oprah’s Next Chapter interview or something. My own personal theory that I have deduced from knowing nothing about them and only believing what I see on television (which is like, 95% accurate I believe in this case) is that Katie had some kind of contract with him to be married to him for a certain amount of time. I wouldn’t be surprised if Nicole Kidman had the same thing back in the day. I mean there is just something not normal about that guy. I’m sure they have a rock solid prenup, but I guarantee Katie would give it up in a second if it meant she didn’t have to go back to that dungeon in the basement. I don’t think it’s something as simple as being his beard, although I’m not convinced he’s 100% straight. As our friend Rocky would say, he’s probably about a fourteen on the scale. I don’t remember what the rest of the numbers mean, but let’s just say a fourteen isn’t John Wayne or anything. And being gay is so not as huge a deal as it used to be. If you don’t believe me, listen to these words of wisdom from my husband today:
Me: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced.
Steve: I don’t care. Is it because he’s gay? (so much for not caring)
Me: No. I mean, he could be, but I don’t think that’s the whole reason.
Steve: If you’re gay, just be gay. All the gays are always having fun and I’m stuck here paying bills.
Me: Wow. What an argument for homosexual marriage.
Steve: I don’t give a shit who anyone marries. Just be happy.
So there you have it. According to Steve, Tom Cruise is definitely gay and being gay is awesome because apparently you’re somehow excused from financial responsibilities.