Golden-frocks: Part 2
And we’re back! I know that these recaps can be a lot to handle, so it seemed best to take a little breather in between (you can catch up on Part 1 here). But now I’m ready to dive in full force and recap the heck out of the rest of the 2016 Golden Globes, so here we go!
I’m always down for a little sparkle at these events, but just because you’re shining bright like a diamond doesn’t mean you necessarily have earned a spot in the GG hall of fame. I liked the texture of Brie Larson‘s dress, but the fit was so far off it looked like she was the hanger and the dress was wearing her. It like almost crossed the line of pageantry, but at least a Miss USA contestant would have better posture. When I first saw Regina King‘s dress on television, I thought it was kind of fabulous. Then I saw it in photos. Holy King Triton’s half-mermaid wife. Also she took the whole “capes are in” thing way too literally and actually sported a superhero-style accessory that was just flapping around in the back. Anything that requires ridiculous posing on the red carpet is too much for me. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is pretty much a living and breathing statuette anyways, and in this bronze number she basically upstaged Miss Golden Globe (also the award itself). I just wish the bodice was fitted, or at least fitted enough not to leave that extra flap above the waistband. Not like she really needs help looking any more flawless.
I know it technically never goes out of style, but I am never excited about all black or mostly black ensembles on the red carpet. I just think there’s so many times in your life where it is more appropriate to dress like this, so why not have a little more fun, especially at such a boozy and relaxed event like the Globes (I mean, in comparison with the Oscars and stuff)? If you told me that Julie Louis-Dreyfus pulls this exact same dress out of her closet once a year for this event I wouldn’t fight you on it. It’s like oh my god, black lace – how revolutionary. I am unsure if that’s actually a navy sash (which still doesn’t really make it any more exciting) because the clutch seems to have that tone as well. If it is, I don’t really understand why, and if it’s not… well then it’s just off I guess? I can’t believe I even cared that much to question it. Lady Gaga has really been working the (ugh I cringe even saying this) “old Hollywood glamour” thing and frankly I’m surprised she did so wearing another black dress. I’m glad it at least has an interesting element to it with the extra shape at the hips (also way to make your waist look teeny-tiny). I will say I don’t think it’s the best her face has ever looked, there was something about her makeup that just kind of bugged me. I think she could have looked a little softer to compliment the Marilyn hair and the velvety dress. Amy Schumer gets my “slightly” improved award after showing up at the Emmys last year with unbrushed hair and spilling out of a gown with an ill-fitting top. I just never understand why people with so much personality dress like this. Like she is so fun and interesting, and yet she somehow thought it was a good idea to nab this clearance Jessica McClintock prom dress circa 2002. At least it had pockets, I will give her that. I honestly forgot Sophia Bush was a person until I saw her, which is fine, because this ensemble was completely un-rememberable. That dress looked like it could have been made out of jersey or something – I thought it was a maxi dress that she tried to pass off as formal wear by throwing on a necklace that’s worth more than my college education. The most frustrating part had to be her stubby baby ponytail in the back. I’m not knocking the short hair – in fact my ponytail looks very similar right now – but it is not formal event hair. You can throw on as many diamond chokers as you want, it still looks like you’re going to the gym.
If blue was the big color of the night, emerald was like its “should you not be able to fulfill your duties” first runner up. There were only a few gowns, but with such a bold shade, even just two celebs wearing the same hue looks like a trend (not to mention, all of the jade-colored jewelry). Jada Pinkett-Smith looked nice in this flowing green number – I liked that it was a little out of character for her and not so structured. However I don’t think those extra shoulder flaps were at all necessary (it borders on costume-y) and matching shoes are like the the least fashion-forward thing that has ever happened. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were Dyeables (shudder). Heidi Klum has been showing up on red carpets looking all kinds of crazy lately (remember the Big Bird/ice capade number from the Emmys?), but I actually thought this fun fringe wasn’t all that bad on her. It definitely added a little extra weight kind of all over and the band placement was possibly a little off, but I don’t hate it. Now her hair, on the other hand… I sort of didn’t know who Jaimie Alexander was (definitely thought she was the woman from Outlander at first) until I realized she’s the girl in the bag with the tattoos (if you watched NBC from July to October for even five minutes, you know what I’m talking about). She definitely made an impression in this very dramatic gown, but the damsel-in-distress pose that is meant to strategically show off her billion dollar ring was just too damn much. You are not going to get a nomination for best dramatic entrance on the red carpet, so just cool your jets, okay? I personally found the pattern a little distracting, but she has a small enough chest that she could get away with that plunging V and the color overall worked with her pale skin and jet black hair.
I know that Bryce Dallas Howard is now supposed to be regarded as a champion of women everywhere for speaking out agains the unfair standards of the fashion industry when it comes to their itsy bitsy sample sizing, but I’m sorry – this dress itself was nothing to write home about. I thought the shiny texture was interesting but the lace coverup took it straight past her age bracket and right into Mirren territory (who is fabulous, but also, seventy). Also lest we remind ourselves that girlfriend still walked into Neiman’s and dropped $4800 on a dress, so it’s not like she exactly a spokesperson for the everywoman. I always want so much more for Melissa McCarthy, but this ensemble was so shiny and trash-bag like (and with such bad sleeves! ugggghhh), it’s like, what hope can we have for her?! Counterpoint: her hair and makeup were flawless. I dare say I don’t think her hair has ever looked better. So there, I said something nice. Kate Winslet looked pretty, but let’s be real – she has worn this at least six other times already, amirite? If you saw her face when she won the award, you could tell that she did not see this one coming. I think she was trying to fly under the radar this year because she can’t step within a twenty-mile radius of Leonardo DiCaprio without people losing their minds, and she thought “I’ll just wear this safe, simple navy number and crouch behind Harvey Weinstein, nbd.” Sorry, sister. You won, and then we all had to suffer through your weird side bun thing together (which I will refer to moving forward as a “hair tumor”). Julianne Moore is another one that I felt like people were sucking up to last year because she was so clearly going to win that everyone had to pretend that everything she wore was the word and those who dare to argue against it were cast into an eternal hell of polyster and fluorescent lighting (no? Just me?). Well I thought her style was just so-so last year and I stand by it in 2016. She looked like one of those Avatar cat people out for a night on the town. And I’m sorry, but she and Kate Hudson can take those choker things and give them the heave ho back to 1992 where they belong.
Ugh more black. At least they tried, what with all the cleavage and sparkles and stuff. I was totally sad about Uzo Aduba‘s sparkly yet drab frock (who even knew that was possible?). It actually reminded me of the number that Whoopi wears in Sister Act when she returns to the stage as a jazzy nun. The sleeves were nothing short of awful and I actually missed the days when she wore a million tiny buns on her head and you could see her face. You’re better than this, Crazy Eyes! As for Rachel McAdams, all I’m saying is if I knew my super-hot ex who now has a baby with another woman was going to be seated so close to me in the same room, I would have made more of an effort to rub in how hot I obviously still was as well. Giant old lady flowers doesn’t really do the trick (but then again, he did love her even when she wore pink streaks in her hair and and a mini dress on the red carpet). My point is she is young and gorgeous and this is just way to old for her. Kirsten Dunst and her… globes were totally out to play on Sunday night, and I’m still not sure how I feel about this one. She was definitely channeling her Interview with a Vampire days with the super-pale skin and black velvet, but also reminded us that she is way grown up and also, would you like to see her breasts? I know that there were a lot of plunging necklines that evening, but they were all on super flat-chested women which I think is what keeps it from almost looking…dare I say, vulgar? Also those little strappies were certainly not pulling their weight, pretending like they were being all supportive. I’m on to you. When I woke up yesterday morning and was compiling my event photos, I actually thought to myself that there was no trace of Taylor Schilling. Well the joke was on me, because she was there and she looked a mess. I am all for menswear on women, but it’s such a tricky thing that the tailoring has to be impeccable. The pant length was wrong, the jacket looked like she borrowed it from her dad (if her dad was Liberace), and her hair looked dirty and not in a cool, edgy way.
I don’t know if white is considered a “trend” or if it’s just a color that goes with everything so every year, without fail, it shows up in droves on the red carpet. All day, all anyone talked about was the new “it” girl Alicia Vikander and how she’s probably going to win the Oscar (depending on what category she’s nominated in) and how she’s having such a moment right now and that everyone wants to dress her. Well I don’t know who came up with this white pinafore-looking thing, but I know that Samantha Parkington’s birthday dress is incomplete without it. You can’t tell in this photo, but she was straddling the line of appropriate side boob coverage all night. This dress is meant for a super formal (and super boring) garden party, not your first major red carpet event. Eva Longoria is working every angle she can right now promoting her new NBC sitcom, and I think that hustling continued right into her Globes gown. Unfortunately for her, like a telenovela, there was a lot going on and it was all distracting. Like why does there need to be two bows? And what woman (no matter how tiny) wants all that attention on the hip area? (Bonus points for the best damn smoky eyes I’ve ever seen.) Taraji P. Henson went the total opposite route with something simple I was actually worried that the spirit of Cookie had left her body… that is, until I saw her posing. I think even Tyra would agree that there is almost too much smizing happening here. Like she is bringing it so hard and trying to be so fierce that she almost looks kind of crazy, no? Her choppy bob is giving me life, tho. Saoirse Ronan is another young ingenue who did the red carpet thing already at the same time as navigating puberty, so by age twenty-one she’s already the epitome of class and grace at an event like this. I don’t think there was technically anything awe-inspiring about it, but you know she’s not going to end up on any worst-dressed lists. Another one who might need a Miss Jay lesson in posing is Lily James. It almost looked as if the gathered sheer panels were pulling her shoulders in awkward directions. Theoretically, she looks good, although I think she was actually wearing too much makeup when the rest of her look was so soft (and what are we calling that hair color, I mean, really?).
Another mini-trending color of the evening was merlot, which sometimes I think can be a nice alternative to a vibrant red (but can also tend to skew a little old). That’s the main issue I had with Zendaya. I think the dress was architecturally stunning but way too mature for her (and also, ill-fitting – I kept hoping a tailor would pop out of the shadows to nip in her entire right side immediately). I could see this on a Diane Kreuger or someone equally fashion-minded. Amber Heard sported a more subdued shade but looked no less serious about… well everything, like a doll that will be trapped in that pose for all eternity. That dress looked like it used to be white and then she fell in the grape stomping bin in an I Love Lucy episode. At least it fanned out nicely. Finally, Olivia Wilde had the whole “right color, wrong execution” thing going on in this slinky number. I don’t know what it is about this dress, I just cannot put my finger on it. It’s a little Vegas lounge singer-esque, and I thought the choker was absolutely terrible and completely wrong with the neckline of the dress. Plus her boyfriend was wearing sneakers so I immediately deducted points from her for her support of that decision.
So who were your favorites? Sound off in the comments, and please: don’t hold back. You know I never do.
All photos courtesy of PopSugar.