Can I Dress You Up In My Love?
Despite the ridiculous amount of things that I deem interesting enough to enter my pop culture bubble, many people might be surprised to know that there are certain celebrities, movies, tv shows, books, etc. that I just don’t give two craps about, despite how popular or relevant they are to the entertainment world. Here’s a short list:
1. Harry Potter and anything Harry Potter adjacent
2. All shows on CBS minus How I Met Your Mother (which I don’t even count because I only watch it on Lifetime. Suck on that, CBS!)
3. Titanic (I’m sorry I know this makes me a trader to my generation, but I thought that movie was so flipping boring and I still do not find Leo attractive)
4. The Real Housewives of Atlanta & NYC
5. Twilight (both the books and the movies- also the actors, blech)
Up until last week, you could have added The Rachel Zoe Project to that list. Now you know I will pretty much gobble up anything Andy Cohen serves me via Bravo but I always assumed that she was boring. Mainly because she is crazy skinny (I’m convinced that people who are that thin have too little energy to support a personality) and despite having access to all these amazing close, she almost always wears black.
Despite these things, somehow Ms. Zoe ended up on my DVR last week for the season premiere. I don’t know, maybe it was the fact that I knew she gave birth to baby Skyler earlier this year and I was curious if that would make her more interesting. Or maybe it’s just because I read in US Weekly that he has a $3,700 baby shoe collection. I’m not entirely sure.
Regardless, Rachel and I are now involved because it turns out we feel the same way about babies. Last week, she informed us that when she found out she was having a boy, she cried for three weeks because it dashed any hope of her sitting in the front row of fashion shows in Paris with a mini-Rachel bouncing away on her lap in mother-daughter matching Chanel suits. I completely echo her sentiment on boys, and like her, I imagine the only way I could get over it is to discover cute designer boy clothes as well.
But that was last week. This week the whole crew at Rachel Zoe Inc. or Project Zoe or whatever group those surly looking people belong to were in a tizzy over the release of Rachel’s first clothing line. Rachel’s husband Rodger (God, I hate that “D”) headed up a meeting of the minds, minus Rachel, because she really needed to rest. This shocked me, as something about Rachel’s work ethic reminds me of another one of her Bravo cohorts, in that work is first, children are second, and the love tank is third. If you don’t know who I am talking about, we are not friends (can I get a WOO HOOO?!).
Rachel’s new minion Jeremiah instantly started sweating upon being assigned the least important task- picking the most minimal amount of jewelry possible for models to wear with Rachel’s line at a buyer’s event in NYC. While most gays would have squealed in delight, Jeremiah began to sweat his faux hawk a little while head minion Mandana rolled her overly lined eyes under her bangs and assured him that his job barely mattered anyway because it’s not even about the jewelry, duh. You could just see him repeating “studs, hoops, bands” over and over in that pretty little head of his (I mean, seriously, he is like REALLY good-looking, right?).
Back at casa de Zoe, Rachel lectured her wannabe-Zoe’s about the roller coaster that is pregnancy as they packed up her rolling rack. See the thing about being pregnant that is like, totally weird, is that it’s not just a part of your job like picking out outfits and going to photo shoots because you can’t just check your baby off the things to do list, because after you’re like really stuck with a baby. And nothing clashes with the world of high fashion more than pregnancy because all of the symptoms “are so not chic.”
Second only to Maci and Farrah, Rachel Zoe comes across as the least sure person on television about having a baby. I think I saw an iota of an episode last year when Rodger (seriously, I cringe every time I type his name) was trying to force her to have a baby because she was clearly running out of time, because let’s face it- if her face looks that dried up just imagine what her eggs are like.
Finally, it was time for Jeremiah to do his jewelry pull. Unfortunately he was totally out of his element and had to send Mandana BBM photos every five minutes to reassure himself that he picked the right pieces. This totally made me question his sexuality, until I saw his side interview- sorry Jeremiah, but I saw your vest and I don’t believe for a second that you didn’t know that there were 5 different types of gold, one of them being a new breed known as gilver. For those of you not in on the industry lingo, it’s a mix of gold and silver. Amateurs.
Thankfully, Jeremiah/jewelry girl made the right choices and it was off to NYC for the Women’s Wear Daily shoot, where Rachel was shot side by side with models wearing her line. Rachel, along with the rest of the world, forgot that she was 6 months pregnant and was shocked at how increasingly difficult it was becoming to get dressed. That is the overstatement of the century as Rachel seems to have gained as much weight as I do after a three course meal. In the last episode we got a brief glimpse of her belly before she zippered it into a Givenchy suit and if you didn’t see it, let me paint you a picture. She looks like one of those African children that are super skinny but have bloated bellies from starvation in those commercials where you can feed them for less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day. Sexy.
The shoot was a success, and a celebratory dinner was had… by Rodger (ick) and her makeup artist Joey where he begged, pleaded and essentially bribed him to come back to LA and serve… I mean “help” Rachel with the rest of her pregnancy. Joey was reluctant, until Rodger (okay the more I write it, the more I’m convinced she added that D when she taught him to flat iron his hair and started outfitting him in scarves to make him cool, because what fashionable person ever married a guy named Roger?!) offered to give him his Mercedes. Don’t get excited, it’s the old one.
The next morning, Rachel anxiously opened WWD with the vigor of a not barely pregnant person. “You know that this like, excites me more than anything in the world, right? Because Women’s Wear Daily is like, my everything,” she said to Joey, tearing through the pages. I would have totally expected this from Old Rachel, but hello- don’t you have a fetus in you that is your new everything?!
“I know,” Joey agreed. “I feel like this is the biggest moment in your life in more ways than one.” Okay, I know she’s sickly thin, but HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE BABY GROWING INSIDE HER?!
I found the rest of the show to be relatively boring, because it was mostly Rachel and her camp running around frantically prepping for the big buyer’s fashion show and “ohmygod-ding” at every turn. Once she stopped making fun of her little zygote I started losing interest. Although I did appreciate when she told someone to “touch the kid” for luck.
Sigh. This will probably be my last relaxed TV watching experience because next week is premiere week, and both myself and my DVR are feeling the stress right now. Like I’m literally anxious over the amount of DVR that I have in the present and future to to watch. It’s almost like how Rachel Zoe feels about her clothing line. Except I don’t feel guilty because I don’t have a baby so I’m still allowed to be a little in love with my television.